duty

Keith watches.

He watches because he is good at it. He is good at peering up through his long, long lashes, or out of the corner of an eye, or over the rim of a book or cup. Unobtrusive. Unnoticed. He watches, because that is part of what he does, part of his duty as captain. His is the job of looking at a situation, and digesting the information, and then planning a course of action.

He watches, because that is part of who he is. He is good at sitting still, and good at observing the world around him without actually participating. Oh, sure, he's always the one who ends up making flowery speeches, and he is the one who directs the actions of his team, but, ultimately, he isn't the one to affect the world. And he is fine with that, because he doesn't think he would be good at changing anything when he can't even change himself.

He watches because it means that he won't have to interact with the others, not when they are obviously having Their fun, which is separate from Our fun. Besides, Lord knows he interacts enough with them. He is their captain, which means that he is their mother, father, brother, boss, friend, drill sergeant, confidant, punching bag, and yes, sometimes lover all rolled into one. He knows when to be these things, how to be these things, knows how to sacrifice himself for them and keep himself from them. He knows that, in return, they will obey him and respect him, be loyal to him, and fight and kill for him. Him. Not for the Alliance, not for Arus or Allura, not for some ideal or for the innocents who died or out of revenge. For him. Because of him. And, he knows, that sometimes they will die for him. Because of him. Which leads to the other reason he keeps himself distant because everybody knows that they aren't supposed to fall in love with him and he isn't supposed to, isn't allowed to fall in love with them.

He watches, because it's the only thing he can do, because he has broken that unspoken, unwritten, unbending law and fallen in love. And how could he help himself, when Pidge was so young, so needy, so alive? How could he help himself when he looked down on Pidge's peaceful face, the lines of war smoothed out by sleep, wonderfully soft, curly hair damp and dark with sweat? How could he help himself when he kissed Pidge's soft lips, touched his soft flesh, gave him the same comfort of his body that he gave to Lance and Hunk and Sven when they asked? How could he help himself when Pidge left his bed the next morning, at peace with some internal demon, and stronger, but no longer in need of Keith's comfort? But he won't do anything, doesn't think anybody even knew about his transgression.

He watches, because then he gets to watch Pidge; gets to watch him sit bent over some project with Lance; gets to watch him smile, watch him laugh, watch him vibrate with young, restless life.

He watches, and he remembers the taste of that smile.

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