logic

Pidge laughs.

He uses the motion to look over at Keith, and the laugh almost dies because Keith looks the same as always, his black hair peeking over the top of a book. But Pidge forces the laugh to its natural conclusion and looks back at Lance. He won't be sad.

He had known what he was getting into back when he had looked at Keith one day and realized that he could, quite possibly, be in love with his handsome captain. But he knew the rules as well as the others, had known just how stupid such an action would be. So he had planned and plotted, written out an equation in his head. If a, then b. If b, then c. If this, then that. If Keith responded, then a life of happy nights and unholy pleasure. If they fucked, and nothing more, then he would forget and never, ever, ever speak of his longing. He had planned and planned and waited and waited until the right moment.

The right moment.

Except there wasn't a right moment, or even a wrong moment. So there was, instead, one gloriously painful night where Pidge tried everything in his power to make Keith understand what he felt without actually saying anything. And in the morning, Pidge walked away, because Keith said nothing, and Pidge had planned for that outcome.

Logic dictated that this is what he would do. He trusts logic, because logic has helped him before. Logic helped him when Sven almost died, but logic is worthless now.

He thought he had everything planned. He thought he knew all the outcomes, knew all the variables. He thought he would be able to walk away. He hadn't thought about his heart and the ache that came when Keith said nothing.

Logic tells him that Keith's silence shouldn't hurt. He trusts logic. Logic tells him that the pain will pass, even though, right now, it feels like his heart is being ripped out through his nose. He trusts logic. Logic tells him there will be other boys, other girls, other bodies, other times to fall in love. Logic tells him that he had known that this would happen, that he shouldn't hurt because he had prepared himself for this. Logic tells him that going back to Keith tonight would be a mistake, that to do so would lead only to more pain; pain compounded upon pain.

He trusts logic because he lives by logic. Logic will see him through this, logic is the only way to get through this. He will follow the dictates of logic, spend tonight and tomorrow night, and every night until his heart is hard again, in his bed, alone, lonely, aching for the touch of his captain. Logic says this is what he must do, and Pidge will do as logic says.

Pidge laughs, but he laughs at himself.

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