goldielocks

Once upon a time, there was a boy who had cruelly been nick-named Goldielocks. This wasn't because of a genetic predisposition to blond hair as one would think, but rather because of an unfortunate accident involving a vat of bleach, a throw rug and the boy's roommate who had pushed in into the vat in the first place. This accident had left the boy with a mop of orange hair in place of his natural black tresses and the aforementioned nickname. Fortunately the boy could take a joke, so no one was hurt after the Great Bleach Debacle as it later became known. At least, everyone thought that Goldielocks (whose real name was Keith but no one ever called him that anymore) could take a joke. It was hard to tell sometimes, since Goldielocks never really spoke to anyone about it. However, since everyone who teased him, as well as the roommate that had pushed him in, were all still living, it was safe to assume that he had some concept of a sense of humor. Or at least didn't want to get blood all over his clothes.

One day, Goldielocks was dashing through the woods in search of a perfect bush to take a leak behind (or at least one that was unoccupied, since every time he started to take his pants off, some screaming fan girls would pop up and start waving money and taking pictures) when he spotted a quaint (re: run down) cottage with a partially open door in the middle of nowhere. Goldielocks stopped his dash and regarded the cottage with surprise and much jumping up and down since he really had to go to the bathroom. He had never seen this cottage before, though for some reason he was often found in the woods. Curious (and hoping that there was indoor plumbing) Goldielocks cautiously opened the door, praying as he did that this wasn't going to be another "Strange Forest Dwelling" (tm) like that tower had been--the one with the ditzy princess that kept letting down her hair in an attempt to get some action.

"Hello?" he called out. "Anybody home? I thought I should let you know that your door was unlocked, which isn't the smartest thing in the world because there are a lot of strange people out here that would love to take advantage of this opportunity. That said, can I use your bathroom?"

However, Goldielocks received no reply. He would have turned around and walked away, being a respectful sort of person, but the call of nature was just too great and he could hear the camera carrying fan girls lurking in the bushes. So, he took off his boots (having been brought up properly) and entered the house, meaning to just use the bathroom and then leave.

As he looked around, searching for some sign of a bathroom, Goldielocks deduced that the cottage was a bachelor's pad, making the rather astounding deduction from the furniture made of plywood and saw horses, the stolen road signs (as well as neon strip signs) that decorated the walls, the much too expensive Home-Entertainment-System-with-12-Slot-CD/DVD/Laser-Disc-Player-64-inch-Color-TV-and-Subwoofers-that-are-Gauranteed-to-Shake-the-Foundations and the huge sign that read "Love Shack" right over the door. Goldielocks longed to sit before the massive entertainment system and rot his brains out, but the need to use the restroom was far to great and he dashed down the hall, trying every door.

The first door he tried did lead to a bathroom, but it was too small for his lanky frame, looking like it had been built to accommodate an overgrown elf with a penchant for green. The second door also led to a bathroom, one that was much larger (much to his relief) and decorated in a garish orange. Goldielocks wasn't about to pass judgment on the color scheme, however, and made his way to the toilet. Before he reached the long sought after toilet, though, his barefoot stepped on something wet and slimy that was all to reminiscent of the toad that he kissed that had turned into an ugly, blue-skinned man with no hair and fin-like ears who had tried to boink him almost immediately. The incident had left him with a grave distrust of anyplace that housed something slimy and he hurriedly left that bathroom.

The third door led to a bathroom as well, but what a bathroom it was! There wasn't a single surface that didn't have some sort of leather...thing hanging from it. The vests, harnesses and straps gleamed oily in the light, and the plethora of metal buckles and rings glinted with in a tempting fashion. Goldielocks stared in curious wonder at all the leather as he went about his business, and it was with grave reluctance that he left the room; but not before he pocketed one of the collars.

Once out of the bathroom, though, he was hopelessly lost. He couldn't seem to remember where he had come from, and he looked up and down the many branched hall in confusion. Finally deciding to trust in blind luck, he turned down one of the branches and opened another door.

This door led to the kitchen, where three ceramic bowls sat upon a plywood table. The smallest bowl was green and filled with some sort of porridge-y thing. Dipping a finger into it, Goldielocks tasted the concoction--and wanted to spit it out almost immediately.

Who puts cheese in their porridge? he wondered.

Still, the small bite had whetted his appetite, and he made his way to the next bowl. Unfortunately for Goldielocks, this bowl (which was orange) was completely empty, and almost glistened as if the owner had finished up the meal by licking the bowl.

The third and final bowl was blue and completely full. Goldielocks tasted the contents, and was quite relieved to find them lacking entirely in cheese. He grabbed the spoon set nearby and ate the entire bowl; an act that regretted the moment he finished, for the bottom of the bowl held a picture of two naked men doing the horizontal limbo.

Blushing horribly, Goldielocks rushed from the room and into another hall. Deciding to get out of this house as soon as was possible, he tried another set of doors. These led to bedrooms, the first of which held a pint sized bed with green sheets. The second bed had orange sheets and was covered in what looked like cookie crumbs. The third bed was a massive four poster with silk and satin blue sheets and heavy velvet curtains. Goldielocks couldn't help but run his hands over the coverings, but as he turned to leave, he was tripped up by a throw rug and he fell back onto the bed, whereupon he sank as if he had landed in quick sand.

Meanwhile, the owners of the house had returned, Hunk and Pidge leading the way and arguing stridently about what should be added onto the T.V next. Lance trailed behind, feeling somewhat put off, having made plans to have a small orgy at Lotor the Big Bad Wolf's house (his plans had fallen through, for he found Lotor otherwise engaged with Sven, who had stopped by to do the nasty because he was tired of always being Prince Charming). He was so disgruntled by his lack of play that he bumped into Hunk and Pidge who were staring at the boots by the door.

"Who forgot to lock the door?" Hunk growled.

"It was Lance's turn," Pidge replied before suddenly paling. "Oh no! Someone might have stolen the TV!"

Horrorfied at this prospect, the threesome rushed inside.

"Don't worry," Pidge called out. "The T.V is fine."

"Well that's a relief," Lance said. "But the house breaker must still be inside."

"Okay, let's split up and search for this guy." Hunk entered the WC and emerged moments later, holding a rather abused sandwich. "Someone stepped on my sandwich!"

"Why do you have a sandwich in the bathroom?" Lance asked.

"In case I get hungry in there, of course."

"Hey, someone ate all of Lance's food! And I don't think it was Hunk this time!" Pidge cried from the kitchen. "Speaking of which, what are the people at the bottom of your bowl doing, Lance? They look like they're playing leap frog and one of them missed."

Lance rushed into the kitchen and took the bowl away from Pidge. "I'll explain it to you when you're older," he said, putting the bowl high out of Pidge's reach. "Much, much, much older."

Pidge shrugged then paused. "Hey, what's that noise?"

"What noise?" Hunk asked as he entered the kitchen.

"The noise from upstairs. It sounds like it's coming from Lance's room."

Sure enough there was a noise coming from Lance's room--it sounded remarkably like a string of muffled curses, most of which involved a goat.

The threesome cautiously opened the door to Lance's bedroom, staring in open mouthed wonder at the sight of Goldielocks trying to fight himself free of Lance's bed.

Pidge was the first to speak. "Do you know that you have a really bad dye job?"

"Never mind that," Hunk interrupted. "I want to know who you are and why you stepped on my sandwich!"

"My name is Gol--Keith and I needed to use your bathroom. And I'm sorry I stepped on your sandwich, but you have to admit that a bathroom is a strange place to put a sandwich." Goldie--er, Keith stopped in struggling and gazed imploringly at the three men. "Now if someone would just help me out of this bed I'll be going now."

"Oh no you don't," Lance said with an evil gleam in his eye. "You can't just break in here and expect to go free. I think we're going to have to punish you." He dived onto the bed, tackling Keith and somehow managing to remove both their shirts at the same time.

"Hey, that doesn't look like punishment to me!" Pidge cried. "In fact, it looks a lot like that picture in Lance's bowl. Hunk, what is Lance doing?"

Hunk rolled his eyes and ushered Pidge out the door as Lance struggled to remove Keith's pants while kissing him at the same time. "Lets go watch some cartoons, shall we?"

Hunk and Pidge spent the rest of their afternoon sacked out in front of the TV, occasionally turning up the volume to muffle the thumps and groans that emanated from Lance's bedroom.

As for Lance and Keith, well they lived happily ever after. Or at least for the next six hours.


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