and now for something completely different

They had just declared their undying love for each other, through a bizarre set of circumstances involving a nefarious plot, two spoons and a bunch of mistletoe. But now, moments after the day was saved and the two of them had run off to a conveniently located motel to consummate said undying love, a question hung between them: What, exactly, did one do in these circumstances?

To say that they were stumped was an understatement.

They stared at each other in blank confusion for a long, tense moment, as if staring into each other's eyes was going to reveal some sort of diagram to help them with their...consummation. Lance was the first to break that stare once it became obvious that no diagram was about to magically materialize before them. Being the more restive, he began to pace back and forth, eyes sliding along the garishly bright walls until they rested upon his companion who now sat upon the bed. Tempting though it was to just gaze upon the other's face in sappy adoration, Lance steeled himself and forced his eyes to move on.

Keith, who was made of stronger and less sap-induced stuff than Lance, merely sighed in something close to frustration. His suddenly decided love-interest was giving him a headache with all the pacing. "So now what?"

Lance paused and looked back at Keith. "You're asking me?"

"You're the more experienced one, aren't you?"

"With girls! I imagine that this is going to be very different than it is with girls. Besides, I thought you already knew how to, you know, do this."

Keith snorted. "Look, just because I haven't had as much sex with women as you have doesn't mean that I'm particularly knowledgeable about having sex with another man! In fact, up until eight paragraphs ago, I had absolutely no desire to sleep with a man at all. In fact, up until eight paragraphs ago, I was merely a figmental character--no whims, no desires, no problems."

Lance sighed and sat down on the bed beside Keith. "Yeah. Me too."

Keith looked down at his hands. "Okay. Well, I suppose that the basic concept is still the same. It's all about filling a hole, right?"

"Right." Lance nodded emphatically. "So, which hole gets filled?"

Keith just stared at Lance for a long moment, before reaching out and slapping him on the back of the head. Lance suddenly blushed. "Oh. Never mind. But, don't you think that it's going to hurt?"

"Probably--although I think we're supposed to use some sort of lubricant. If not, than I haven't the foggiest as to why Allura pressed a tube of KY jelly into my hands."

"It's still going to hurt. Why are we doing this again?"

Keith shrugged. "Something about undying love and this being the appropriate thing to do."

"I see." Lance looked about again. "So, which one of us is on the bottom?"

"Well, since I'm the Captain--"

"You're always the boss. Why can't I be the boss for once?"

"Lance, you don't listen to orders when we're fighting. I have no reason to think that you'll listen to orders while we're, um--"

"Having passionate weasel sex?"

"Must you always use the weasel metaphor?"

"Yes. Okay, so if I'm the bottom, than we should probably get some rules straight, right?"

"Like what?"

"Well, I think that not causing injury would probably be a big one. And I definitely want some reciprocation here. None of this wam-bam-thank you mam. Er, sir."

Keith shrugged. "All right."

"And if I say stop, you stop."

"But--"

"No buts."

"Fine." Keith looked up briefly at Lance, then down back at his hands. "So. Should we, you know, do this?"

Lance sighed heavily. "Yeah. I suppose we should."