tea and sympathy

Fare thee well
Trade in all our words for tea and sympathy
Wonder why we tried, for things could never be
Play our heart's lament like an unrehearsed symphony

Why do we do these things? Why do I do these things? It would be so easy to just let everything go, just throw in the towel and pretend that my heart doesn't ache every time I see him, pretend that my pulse doesn't quicken and my mind shuts down in a dazed fog.

And, God, I wish I could. I wish that all this shit would just end, that I didn't keep coming back to him. Love, hate, it's all running together now and I don't know what to feel!

What should I feel? Please, someone tell me what I should feel! Should I still even be able to feel? Should this still be happening to me? I mean, what am I doing now? What have I ever done that's worth his attention, worth his love?

Why do I even try?

I want it to end. I hate that my heart hurts so much, that everyday I can look forward to another torture, another day of waiting and wondering and hoping and God knows what. I hate the fates and I love the fates for putting us together. Would I be able to make it through my life if I wasn't his partner? Or would I be happier if I had just never met him in the first place?

It confuses me, it saddens me, and I swear I can feel my heart crying.

I hate feeling sorry for myself.

Not intent
To leave this castle full of empty rooms
Our love the captive in the tower never rescued
And all the victory songs
Seemed to be playing out of tune

God, I don't even know why I tried in the first place. Really, I don't.

No, I do.

I saw him and suddenly, it was like I was seeing a fairy book come to life. A goddamned fairy tale and he was this marvelous, wonderful, delectable prince that charmed me without even trying. And Christ help me, but I believed it all. I believed this fairy tale and I thought 'Finally. Finally my Prince has come'.

Some fucking prince.

Even now, when we're finally together, finally alone, there's this gap, this wall between us. This insurmountable obstacle and every time I try to get over it, he stops me.

Why? What's stopping him? I love him, damn it, I know he knows I love him so why the hell is he so hesitant?

I should be crowing in victory. I should be celebrating breaking down his walls, getting him to see that it's all right. It's been so long and I've been faithful. Faithful! Even though there's nothing to be faithful to. And he still won't do anything. He still backs away, he still teases me, still looks at me with those beautiful eyes that are wide with an impossible innocence and I have to stop breathing, have to just exist in the moment or else I'm just going to die from the pure joy.

I should be with him. I should be kissing him. I should be loving him.

Instead I'm sitting here, listening to him, and it's like I'm listening to the echo of something else. Like he isn't even there, and this is merely the memory of his voice. Shouldn't I feel like there's someone here with me? Shouldn't I feel something? Anything is better than this emptiness.

'Cause it's not the way
That it has to be
Don't trade our love for tea and sympathy, no
No it's not the way
That it has to be

And now, I'm stuck in this damn cafe, watching the rain coming down the windows in streaks and it's like I'm looking at my soul. Streaked and unclear and God I wish I could actually see out of it, see clearly rather than this distorted view.

And I'm waiting for him to finish. I'm actually waiting for him to finish this tale that's tearing my heart out. Why? Why the hell should I wait?

Because I love him. Even though everything in me tells me not to, I love him. And I know that I'll sit here and I'll listen to him talk about his kids and the case and all these nothings and every things and I'm not even listening because all I can think about is his voice, all I can hear is his voice and not the words. And all he wants out of me is someone to listen to him, someone to sit and nod politely and drink tea and coffee with.

He doesn't want someone to love him. He's got people who love him. He has Bikky and Cal and I'm just a perverted weirdo who's chasing after him like just about everyone else in this damn city.

And God I wish it wasn't so.

You begin
All your words fall to the floor and break like china cups
And the waitress grabs a broom and tries to sweep them up
I reach for my tea, slowly drink in

Do you even realize that I'm not really listening? Do you realize that I'm just watching your perfect lips, gazing at your perfect eyes, drinking in your perfect face like I drink my tea?

Your words are so wonderful to me. Delicate little things that you speak and thus are beautiful just by proxy. But I still can't hear them, and in my mind they all shatter, the noise of their destruction like the tinkling of glass.

Words are fragile. They can be broken so easily, tossed about with no regard for what their jagged pieces pierce. And you can somehow see through all my words. But still, why can't you see that when I say I love you, I mean it? Why can't you just understand that? Why do you have to break those words against this impassable wall of yours? Why do you make me shatter those three, delicate, beautiful, wonderful, porcelain like words against that barrier between us?

Ahh, Ryo, if only you would see.

'Cause it's not the way
That it has to be
Don't trade our love for tea and sympathy, no
And it's not the way
That it has to be
Don't trade our love for tea and sympathy

Why are you smiling at me, Ryo? Why have you stopped spilling your woes to me? Should I be glad of this change, or not.

Ryo, why do you only want me to listen? Why won't you let me in?

Please, let me in.

I'm so tired of being alone in the cold.

Fare thee well
The words, the bag of leaves that fill my head
I could taste the bitterness and call the waitress instead
'Cause she holds the answer, smiles and asks one teaspoon or two

But of course you won't. You have to go back to your kids. You have to go back Cal and Bikky and leave me all alone, even though I need your love just as much as they do. God, Ryo, why do you think I chase after you so? Why do you think I do what I do? Look at me. Just look at me. I'm miserable. I'm afraid. And you could heal me with just three words. You could make me whole again.

But no, you leave, touch my shoulder as you go, always so damnably polite. Why the hell are you so polite? Why do you hide behind that shield of propriety?

Ryo, let it go. Let me in. Open up your doors.

I want to help you, and I need you to help me so badly and everything is so goddamned bitter to me that the waitress actually comes over and asks me if I need more sugar in my tea.

God I hate you sometimes.

'Cause it's not the way
That it has to be
Don't trade our love for tea and sympathy, no
And it's not the way
That it has to be
Don't trade our love for tea and sympathy
'Cause it's not the way
That it has to be
Don't trade our love for tea and sympathy, no
And it's not the way
That it has to be
Don't trade our love for tea and sympathy

What do I mean to you, Ryo? What do you think of me? Am I just a particularly close friend?

Yeah, that's right. I'm just a 'close friend'. Who's happened to kiss you.

And don't tell me you didn't like it, 'cause I know you did.

Damn it, when did I become so bitter?

Bitter. God, all I can think of now is how much I want to hold you, and kiss you and how much you just want me to listen to you. You just want me to be by your side. You want me to sympathize with your mundane problems. You want me to drink coffee at these little, nameless, unremembered cafes with you, listen to you and not tell you about my fears.

You want me to be your soul mate, but you won't let me.

You're such a hypocrite, sometimes Ryo.

Don't trade us for tea and sympathy
Don't trade us for tea and sympathy
We can work it out
Don't trade us for tea and sympathy
Don't trade us for tea and sympathy
We can work it out

And every time this happens, I tell myself 'Enough. No more'. And every time, I back down. Well, not this time. You've used me for the last time, damn it.

At least I'm honest with myself about our situation. At least I know what I want.

Ryo. I love you so much that it hurts when I'm not with you. But I bet it would hurt less if I just gave up now. Then I wouldn't be so alone.

You know, sitting in my apartment--my cold, lonely, empty apartment--probably isn't the best place to think these thoughts. Who wouldn't be depressed if they came home to this grey and lifeless place everyday?

I want you to be here so badly, Ryo. I want you here so I don't have to think these dark thoughts alone. I want you here so my life would have a little light.

"--at the beep."

What the--The answering machine? Was the phone ringing? I didn't even know. God, have I slipped so far already?

"Dee? It's Ryo."

Your voice sounds wonderful even through the machine and I want to go to the phone, want to pick it up and talk to you, but I can't. Why? Why can't I move?

Oh. Right. Because I'm going to be strong this time.

"Guess you're not in. Just wanted to thank you for listening to me today." You laugh, suddenly, for no reason and my breath literally stops. It does. You have, seriously, taken my breath away. "Don't know why I'm thanking you over the phone. You never check your messages anyway. That's probably a good thing for me. I'll thank you properly tomorrow. I love you, Dee."

And then the click as you hang up and I have to wonder; how many more messages have you left on my never checked machine? How many more declarations of your love?

Does it really matter? I heard you say it this once and suddenly, all my resolve to back away is gone. Suddenly, the world isn't so grey.

Maybe it's not so hopeless after all.

We can work it out
We can work it out


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