Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would

I'm weak.

I know that.

I know that what I do is wrong, that what I'm doing to myself--to both of us is ultimately self-destructive.

I know that I hurt him.

Yet, I can't help it. I can't help myself. I can't help but play the naive angel, the 'good one' of our twisted, unspoken, agonizing relationship. I can't help but believe all the lies I tell myself, can't help but wish that things weren't as they were. I wish that I could just stop deluding myself, just let things be as they are, just let my subconscious over rule that damn logical, methodical, soulless part of my brain that tells me I can't be with him, can't be with another man. I wish that that part would just go to hell, sometimes, and take my fears with it. Why can't things be the way they're supposed to be?

Damn it, Dee, why did you have to be so fucking wonderful? Why did you have to be so aggressive, so sure in everything, so enchanting to my eye and to my sentiments? Why couldn't you have been straight? Why couldn't you have just let me be? I was happy before you came along and messed up my entire world.

God, this is insane! In my heart I know I love him in my soul I feel him. I actually feel him! He resonates within me in this wonderful, warm, enchanting way and I love that. I love his hair. I love his eyes. I love everything about him, in my heart and soul.

But in my mind I'm still so very afraid.

A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things

Sometimes, I wish everything was as simple as it had been before Dee came along. Sometimes, I wish I had chosen to go into something else, some other line of work where I would never have met him, lost my heart to him.

Still, I don't know if that would make me happy. I don't know that never meeting Dee would make my life better or not.

Why couldn't it have been simpler? Why couldn't it have just been him, and me and our fears and our loves and our hates and our joys? Why did this convoluted mess have to included JJ and Berkeley and Bikky and Carol? Why did all these things have to be thrown in to mess us up, destroy what might have been before it had ever even started?

Gods, Dee, why don't you just give up?

I wish I could be what you wanted. I wish I could be the lover that you wanted, the friend, the partner, the boyfriend, the everything that you think I ought to be. I wish I could these things, but I know I'm not.

I can never be them, Dee.

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be
I would be

And why can't I? I should be able to, shouldn't I? There's no bar preventing me from being what you want me to except for my own fears.

But what fears they are...

I feel so torn. It's cold in my bed, and empty too, and I wish you were there, wish you would lie beside me, and hold me, chase away the nightmares of the dark.

I want you to be beside me. I need you to be beside me some nights, when the darkness is so powerful that it has a tangible weight, and my fear is so great that it chokes me even as I lie and stare up at the invisible ceiling. And this is one of those nights, when I just can't sleep, and I wish you were here.

But then, I wonder if that would be so wise. I wonder if you would be faithful to me. I wonder if, when I grow old and lose my youthful grace if you would still love me then.

I fear that the only reason you love me is because you can't have me. And I don't want to give you my heart just to have you discard it. So I play these games with you, I play the fool, the naive innocent when I am nothing but.

But oh, if I knew that you would be there for me, I would never leave your side.

Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seems to be some comfort
In the rooms I try to hide

Did you know that I envy JJ sometimes? I envy his youth, his innocent belief. I envy the ease at which he can touch you, show you how much he desires you. I envy him for his shallow lust, for his purely physical attraction, for his freedom.

God, I can't be that much older than him! How can he be so young to me? How can he still possess his innocence? He's a cop, isn't he? Surely he's seen what I've seen, experienced what I've experienced surely he should be just as cynical and hard as I am.

It's so strange--so wrong. How could I envy him? How could I envy someone that I hate? And why? Why should I envy JJ? Surely things haven't progressed so far. Surely there's still hope for my abused heart yet.

And maybe if I keep telling myself that I'll believe it.

God, I don't know what I'm doing anymore. How could I hope to care for Bikky, care for Cal when I can't even let them in? I have no love to give them. How could I when there isn't anything to give? How could I love them when I fear that they'll leave me too?

And nothing I can do can stop that.

Perhaps that why I try to separate myself so much. Perhaps that why I try to overcompensate by instilling into them a sense of morals, give them something solid to build on. It doesn't compensate for the lack of true feeling I may be a 'good parent', but I'd rather love them.

I want love.

I don't want to keep hiding away in my darkened room.

I don't want to be alone at night anymore.

Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace

I'm sorry I hurt you Dee, but damn it, sometimes your pain is the only thing that keeps me alive. Do you have any idea just how much you've fucked me over? Everything was fine until I met you. Everything was happy, everything was a pleasant little lie that let me exist in relative peace and comfort. And then you came. And you exposed my lies. You ruined my life, Dee. You destroyed me.

I--I don't know. Maybe that's why I keep you in this agony of not knowing. Maybe that's why I kiss you--let you kiss me--but stop it from progressing any farther. Maybe that's why I enjoy your confusion so, enjoy the way you're always off balance, enjoy the way you pursue me.

Maybe I'm just sadistic that way.

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be
I would be

God, I wish I could just decide. I wish I could let my fears go, let my insecurities die. I wish that I could be strong like you, have your warmth, your passion. I wish for so many things, I wish to be different than I am. I wish...

I don't even know what I wish anymore.

I am such a coward, Dee. I fear everything, I'm so scared to do anything that could jeopardize my 'happiness'. What happiness? How can I be happy when I hurt you?

But how can I be with you when I fear you?

I'm so sorry, Dee. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for the rambling, sobbing, sappy, broken-down confessions on you answering machine. I'm sorry for dumping all my problems on you.

I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted me to be.

I'm sorry I'm so afraid of what could be, that I won't let what we have be.

I'm sorry I love you.

I would be
I would be

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