The Lost Years

Created and Written by Emma Berman and Laurel Black

Act I

[Scene I: Exterior shot of a house, very early morning. It is a pleasant, upper-middle-class house in the typical East Coast fashion (white picket fence, swing in the tree, etc), but could more be termed quaint than majestic. There is a small pack of dogs lying in the perfectly manicured and landscaped yard before the house and three cars in the garage. An old Station wagon pulls up and honks the horn. The door opens, and a young girl (Maria) dressed in somber clothes and carrying a satchel exits. She has an air of scruffiness. She carefully skirts around the pile of dogs and hops over the fence. Cut to int. of car. Profile shot of a young male, roughly Maria’s age, dressed in an overly preppy fashion.Maria leans in, resting her arms on the window]

Maria: Hey Axle.

Axle: Hey Ria. Come on, get in. I think I’ve figured out a way to not get detention first thing in the morning. [Maria shakes her head]

Maria: Axle, that’s going to happen when Hell freezes over.

Axle: Well, I hear that there’s a cold spell coming.

Maria: I meant the theological Hell. Not this one.

Axle: Oh. Well, get in anyway. I want to get to school early. See, I finally figured out that I can't get detention for being late if I'm early.

Maria (thinks for a minute): That's so crazy it might just work. [Pause] Wait, Axle, it's the first day of school, in an entirely new school. I don't think you can get detention on the first day at a new High School.

Axle: It happened in Junior High, and Elementary School, didn't it.

Maria: Oh yeah. You do realize that we have about two hours before the doors even open, correct? I don’t know whether you’ve forgotten, but the drive’s only about thirty minutes.

Axle: I know.

Maria: Okay. Just checking.

Roll opening credits.

[Scene II: Int. of the car. Maria is in the passenger seat, silently observing the passing landscape. Axle is drumming along to the song on the radio]

Maria: I didn’t know your parents were letting you borrow their car.

Axle: They’re not. I’m renting it from them for five bucks an hour.

Maria: You know, you probably could get a hooker for that amount. Not a good hooker, mind you, but a hooker. [Pause] Quick question. Are you legally allowed to drive?

Axle: Noooo, not legally. But I know how to do it. I used to drive golf carts for my dad all the time, well until I crashed one.

Maria: Okay. Stop the car. I'm going to walk.

Axle: But you won't get to school 'till fifth period.

Maria: That's okay. I'd rather be late than have a police record. Besides, Jake lives nearby. He owes me a favor or two.

Axle: (fake Italian accent) I coulda been a contenda. [Maria looks at him oddly]

Maria: Um, Axle, I know I hit you a lot, but that doesn't count as boxing.

Axle: Huh? What in the world are you talking about?

Maria: I don't know. What are you talking about.

Axle: Um, you know. An offer you can't refuse? Sleeping with the fishes? Concrete shoes? Broken nose? The violin you carry around-- Come to think of it, I've never seen you actually play that thing. What do you really carry that case around for?

Maria: Uh, to hit you and Jake with? And you've never heard me practice because my playing makes dogs to howl in pain. How do you think I escape the house every morning. But I still don't get it. What are you suggesting?

Axle: Maria, do you have any family in New York?

Maria: (sarcastic) No Axle. I don't. Those people I live with and call 'Mom' and 'Dad' aren't really my parents.

Axle: Ah ha! I knew you were really a government spy! How much are they paying you? What have you told them?

Maria: (shakes head and groans) Axle, we live in New York. I mean, I know your dim, but come on. You have to have more intelligence than a rock. [Pause] Well, maybe not a rock, but you still have to have a little bit more than [thinks for a suitable anology] Jake. I mean he's a jock, for crying out loud. One of the prerequisites for being a jock is not having any intelligence. Who would actually volunteer to be smacked around every day and placed in an ambiguously homo-erotic situation?

Axle: Well, not the homo part but-

Maria: I don't want to hear it Axle.

Axle: Fine then. Do you have any relatives in New York City? The Big Apple? The city that most people think is the capital of our state?

Maria: Maybe. I don't know. My ancestors were very horny. They fucked like bunnies. You know, lots of children, all of them accident-prone. They hod to make sure the blood line continued some how.

Axle: Okay. Lets put it this way. You like Italian food, don't you?

Maria: Well, yeah. But I enjoy borsh too.

Axle: There's a Russian Mafia too, you know. You belong to both of them, don't you.

Maria: Oh, I get it now. No Axle, I don't. And even if I did, insinuating such things could get you killed, moron.

Axle: Okay, I'm stopping now.

Maria: Look, there's Jake. Should we give him a ride?

Axle: Um. No. See, we want as little witnesses as possible.

Maria: Shouldn't that be 'as few'?

Axle: Might I remind you that we're awake at an ungodly hour.

Maria: I know. Believe me, I know.

Axle: Yeah, actually I wanted to ask you about something.

Maria: Uh, no, I'm not going to have sex with you to wake you up.

Axle: Okay, you need to stop getting rides with Jake.

Maria: Eww, doing it with Jake? That's just wrong.

Axle: See, I knew you wanted me. And you claimed that one time was just the result of too much porn.

Maria: What one time?

Axle: Oh, never mind. I was just verifying that that really was a dream.

Maria: Uh huh. Wait, going back. Did I say that I wouldn't have sex with you out loud? That was supposed to be part of my internal monologue. Don't pay any attention to what I'm saying. It's just the caffeine and lack of sleep talking.

Axle: So you subconsciously want me. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, know what I mean, eh?

Maria: Actually that was directed to Matt Damon. Growl. [Attempts to growl, but fails]

Axle: Yeah. Sure. I believe you. Maybe during detention we can get a little sumpin'-sumpin' going on. You, know, shag? Speaking of shagging...[He releases the wheel and thrusts his upper body out of the window] Yo! Hardon!

Maria: What'd you call her? Ahh! Who's steering! [She lunges at the wheel and grabs it]

Axle: Ooh, it's a feisty one! Nice bird there! Maybe later Hardon! Eep! [Pulls body back into car as there is a loud thump. Axle has a grin on his face] I knew it. She wants to hop in the sack with me.

Maria: Axle. She threw her shoe at you. I think she dented your fender.

Axle: Yeah, those steel toed boots can do some damage.

Maria: I'd be more worried about what your parents will do to you.

Axle: The auto shop boys will fix it. They owe you a favor.

Maria: Yeah, they owe me a favor. Not you.

Axle: But if I die, your circle of friends is cut in half. [Maria attempts a response, before lapsing into silence. They continue in silence until Axle speaks]

Axle: You know, you're really chipper for this early in the morning.

Maria: Well, that's because I haven't technically gone to bed.

Axle: And what were you doing? [Waggles eyebrows suggestively]

Maria: Surfing the 'Net.

Axle: Sure you were. And what exactly were you looking for? Porn sights? A naked Matt Damon, perhaps? Did you check out my website?

Maria: Ahh, jeez! God! Oh man, I think I'm going to be sick!

Axle: Not in the car, not in the car! I'm liable!

Maria: But it's not an insurance thing.

Axle: It is to my parents.

Maria: (shudders) Okay, I'm recovered, I'm recovered. [Takes a deep breath] I did not hear anything. I was not in this car. We never mentioned you and porn sites in the same sentence.

Axle: What? Those are quality photos! It's art, man.

Maria: Axle, you thought skinning a cat was art.

Axle: What? It was cool.

Maria: Not to the cat.

Axle: Oh come on, after I hit it on the head it stopped screaming.

Maria: Okay, the conversation is officially over. It should have been over a long time ago.

Axle: But that's boring.

Maria: Maybe to you. But, I would really like to get through the year without having to visit Shady Acres. Oh look, there's the gates. You can drop me off now.

Axle: Why? We can get a primo parking space right now.

Maria: Says the boy who isn't legally allowed to drive. [Mutters] I knew I should have listened to Mommy that time she was drunk. [Louder] Besides, it’s a felony to trespass on government property.

Axle: No one will know.

Maria: No, of course not. They won't suspect the lone car parked on the grounds. [Pause] Hey Axle, can you promise me something?

Axle: Depends on what it is.

Maria: Can you please try not to get us kicked out of this High School? I mean, this is the last High School left in the tri-county area that we haven't been expelled from. I really don't want to be shipped off to a boarding school for senior year.

Axle: But it's so much fun to get expelled! Besides, we have a record.

Maria: Axle, getting expelled from ten different public High Schools in Freshman year, and the remaining seven in Sophomore and Junior year as well as three private boarding schools isn't exactly something to be proud of.

Axle: Sure it is. Besides, you shouldn't worry so much, Ria. It'll be fine. Trust me. [Maria shivers]

Maria: Why do I get chills whenever you say that?

[Scene III: A few hours later. Legend on screen, 8:00. Bus stops in front of school and disgorges a mass of students. Focus in on Rachel, the last student to get off the bus, an average to pretty girl dressed in normal, if slightly preppy, clothing. She looks about apprehensively. Two girls approach her, who are also average looking. They are Artemis and Sam. Artemis looks like a beatnik/goth/hippy nut case, while Sam has a vaguely grunge look and is occupied with a Game Boy. It's not apparent whether or not Sam is a male or a female]

Artemis: Hi, my name is Artemis Smith. You must be that new transfer that's got the PTA's panties in a collective bunch. What's your name?

Rachel: According to my birth certificate it's Rachel Harzen, although I'm apparently known as Hardon Harzen amongst the male population. Artemis?

Artemis: My mom teaches social anthropology through mythology. She thought it would be cool if her kid was named after a Greek God. This here is my side kick, Silent Sam. [Points over her shoulder at her companion] Sam doesn't say much.

Rachel: Thus the nickname?

Artemis: Wow, how'd you guess! [Turns to Sam] We got a smart one here! [Rachel rolls her eyes]

Sam: Grunt.

Artemis: Harzen....Harzen....Hey, you're Oz's cousin, aren't you.

Rachel: Oz? Oh, you mean James. Yeah. Unfortunately.

Artemis: (snickers) Now I see why he wanted to be called Oz. Besides the whole bat head incident, I mean.

Rachel: There is nothing wrong with James. [Pause] The name I mean. James my cousin has so many problems that it would take a psychologist years to get him semi-normal. And if I wasn't a school day I'd have time to tell you all about it. [Shakes head] And he used to be such a normal boy. How do you know him, anyway?

Artemis: Oh, we used to hang out until he....left. By the way, how is he, anyway?

Rachel: Oh, well, if he behaves himself he'll be out in twenty years..

Artemis: That's cool. Come on, I'll show you around. Anybody who's related to Oz is cool in our book. Isn't that right Sam.

Sam: Grunt.

Artemis: Besides, it's better than having to pick up trash.

Rachel: Why would you have to pick up trash?

Artemis: Oh, well, we need to work of demerits, and it's either this or detention. And trust me, when given a choice, don't choose detention. Isn't that right, Sam?

Sam: Grunt.

[In the distance there's the sound of some sort of commotion and Artemis and Rachel turn to look. Swing camera around until we see what they're seeing. It's Maria and Axle being reamed by the Principal]

Rachel: What's going on?

Artemis: What, with them? They're the local troublemakers. They've got a really bad rep. I advise against any contact with them. [She shakes her head] Man, I would have thought they would've learned from their last High School. Looks like they're going to get detention on the first day of school. [They begin walking]

Rachel: Who are they? And what kind of rep do they have, exactly?

Artemis: Well, the girl's name is Maria Faulkner. Her older brother, Richard, just graduated from some really expensive and preppy private all-boys boarding school somewhere in New Jersey and is going to Stanford. Word is that he's some sort of super chemist, or something. You know, something important. She apparently went there too for a semester in fifth grade before she got kicked out, when they realized she was a female.

Rachel: Why did it take semester?

Artemis: Well, she didn't have P.E first semester.

Rachel: And the name Maria didn't tip them off?

Artemis: What can I say? They're a little slow. I mean, anybody who pays that much for an education has got to be stupid.

Rachel: Well, yeah, but getting anybody to pay that much for an education has got to be pretty shrewd.

Artemis: I don't know. I just kinda assumed they enrolled her as 'Marty' or something.

Rachel: And nobody's asked to find out the truth?

Artemis: Well, it's like nitro glycerin, you know?

Rachel: How is it like nitro glycerin.

Artemis: You just assume that keeping your distance is a natural reaction. Which brings up another point. I hear she's got this penchant for explosives. Like big ones. Like creating crater sized holes. Like that's why we have a huge smoking pit in the place of McDonalds.

Rachel: What, she's against fast food?

Artemis: I don't know. She was screaming something about Manifest Destiny.

Rachel: Oh, she's one of those.

Artemis: One of what?

Rachel: Pot heads.

Artemis: Oh, okay, I thought you were going to say crack whore.

Rachel: Well I was, but as you said, she sort of looks like a guy and this is small town. Anybody who practiced alternate lifestyles would probably be outed.

Artemis: You know y ou're probably right. Oh, one word of advice. If you're even indebted to her, don't try to get pity out of her. I hear that her heart is so black, it makes The Pit seem like mid-day.

Rachel: What's The Pit?

Artemis: You didn't see the waivers your parents had to sign?

Rachel: They looked pretty standard to me.

Artemis: You didn't read the really fine print, did you?

Rachel: I didn't have anything with a really fine print. I just had the medical waiver, you know the one that says 'if my child is injured and/or dies, I won't sue the school even if it's their fault'.

Artemis: Interesting.

Rachel: Okay, so is the guy like her boyfriend or something?

Artemis: (laughs hysterically) That's funny. [Chuckles again] Maria with a boyfriend. Axle with a girlfriend. [Pauses and thinks] You know, I think Nostradamus said something about the world ending if the two of them got together. I don't think the world is capable of handling whatever their offspring might be. [Shudders] Ooh, I need to remember that the next time I go camping. I'm telling that one around the fire. Forget the bog monster. Anyway, he's Axle Cobb.

Rachel: (squints) You know, he's sort of cute.

Artemis: (mildly disturbed) Okay. I hear that he regularly bites the heads off of cats and runs around naked. He's sort of an artist, I think. Although I'm not so sure if what he does qualifies as art. I mean, he called setting fire to his Junior High science room ceiling art, but you know, I'm not that kind of artist.

Rachel: (starry-eyed) He sounds just like my type.

Arteims: Well he hits on every girl he comes in contact with, so I definitely think you're going to have a chance to offer that proposition. I'm sure he'll go for it.

Rachel: Wait a minute, I know I've seen him before. [Frowns] I almost lost the shoe I threw at his car. [Yells] I take it back! I won't have your children! Ever! Stay away from me, Asshole!

[Scene IV: Close up of Axle and Maria. They are being led into the school by the principal. We catch the last bit of Rachel's shout. Axle turns toward Maria]

Axle: Do you have any idea what that's about.

Maria: Not sure, but I bet it's your fault.

Axle: How is it my fault?

Maria: It's always your fault. [Squints at Rachel] Hey, isn't that the girl you yelled at this morning?

Axle: Which one?

Maria: Suddenly, I'm very glad that it takes a half an hour for you to get to my house by conventional roads. And that I don't have to be in the car during that half hour.

[Scene V: Cut back Artemis, Sam and Rachel]

Rachel: There, that should show him.

Artemis: Actually, I think that confused him. There's a difference you know.

Rachel: Whatever. As long as he stays away I'm happy.

Artemis: But a second ago you-

Rachel: That never happened. It's all in the past. I've regained my senses and control of my hormones. By the way, isn't it a little dangerous to allow him to drive? Not to mention stupid?

Artemis: (shrugs) Yeah, but his parents are like these big wig socialite, entrepreneur, creme de la creme, bugoise, deified, brahmin, elite with major connections in the government.

Rachel: Couldn't you have just gone with stinkin' rich assholes?

Artemis: Well, yes, but then I wouldn't have gotten to use my impressive vocabulary.

Rachel: If they're so rich, why isn't he going to a private school?

Artemis: Because no amount of the green stuff is going to cover setting fire to the headmaster's hair piece.

[They reach the parking lot. Sam still has the Game Boy out and isn't paying any attention to what's going on. Sam gets tripped by a big football player and goes sprawling on the ground. The football player (David) laughs viciously and turns to his friends for high fives. Sam looks ready to do something extremely violent and stalks toward the jock. Artemis grabs It by Its jacket and pulls It back]

Artemis: Not now. You can hurt the idiot later. Preferably during lunch, when we can profit off of your anger.

[Pan around until the entire group of jocks is in view. The collection of jocks are all leaning on expensive looking cars and talking loudly and boisterously. They are all dressed in sporty type wear and obviously have a very high opinion of themselves. Hanging on their arms are cheerleaders, some obviously bleached blondes. They look a little ditzy and are obviously very concerned with their social standing. Focus on Jake, a handsome male, leaning against an old truck, arm wrapped casually around a brunette, Sarah. Sarah doesn't have that same sort of vague expression on her face as the other cheerleaders. Note that although they are all standing together, Jake has separated himself slightly from his friends. Pull back until the three girls are in view. Rachel has a slightly ga-ga expression on her face as she stares at Jake. Cheesy romantic music begins to play in the background]

Rachel: (awed) Who's that?

Artemis: Who?

Rachel: The hot one. The one next to the truck. You know, the golden halo boy?

Atemis: Damn, your hormones are all over the school today, aren't they. I mean first you want have a psycho's kids, and now it's an assholes.

Rachel: How can a God be an asshole.

Artemis: That's Jake Fischer. He's no where near a God. In fact, I don't think he even qualifies as a human.

Rachel: Exactly.

Artemis: I meant that in a bad way. You know, trollish comes to mind when I see him. So does brain dead, homosexual, pencil dick-

Rachel: Never mind. Who's the girl and how can I kill her?

Artemis: His serious girlfriend of three years, and remember Maria? For a nominal fee, she'll bump anybody off. I hear she's practicing to be the head of a family. If you know what I mean.

Rachel: So she's a feminist too?

Artemis: Not exactly, but she does believe in equality in the work place. After all, more workers, more protection money.

Rachel: Ooh, so she's going to be a politician.

Artemis: You haven't been in New York long, have you. Besides, even if Maria does knock her off, jocks don't mix with the common people.

Rachel: (protesting) But I'm not common. [Tosses back hair] I'm a Goddess.

Artemis: (laughing) Yeah right. Maybe back at your old school. Here, unless you're like Axle or Maria, you fall under two categories. The elite, ie those who excel at sports, or are good for the school's image, or are dating those who excel at sports, and the common people. Ie, everyone else.

Rachel: So you two are common people?

Artemis: Not exactly.

Rachel: Then what are you?

Artemis: Theater people. The outcast's outcast.

Rachel: Ouch.

Artemis: Yeah, but now that Axle and Maria have joined our ranks, we have somebody who we can look down on.

[Scene VI: Medium shot of Jake and Sarah. He is staring off in the general direction of where Rachel was. He has a glazed expression and is drooling slightly. Sarah slaps him]

Jake: (confused) What?

Sarah: You were drooling.

Jake: (wipes mouth with back of hand) No I wasn't. [Defensive as Sarah glares at him] Oh like you didn't see the glowing halo of light.

Sarah: No, but I noticed you could see right through her shirt.

Jake: I know- I mean, um, how would I know. I didn't check. I was, uh, admiring her shoes.

Sarah: Oh really. What color were they?

Jake: (under breath) Shit. [Louder] Green?

Sarah: Try again.

Jake: Um, tye-dye?

Sarah: Just admit that you were looking at her ass.

Jake: But it displays her skirt so well. [Sarah slaps him again and stalks off] What did I do? Like you don't check out other guy's asses. [His friends stare at him oddly] Her, her. Not me. Her. I like girls. [To self] Ahh, shit. I'm going to be beat again. Why'd I even get out of bed today?

[Scene VII: Principal's office. The Principal is a large balding man with an obviously fake toupee that looks vaguely like a dead squirrel. He is glaring at Axle and Maria who are sitting in stiff plastic chairs in front of his desk. Maria has a vaguely worried expression on her face, while Axle is slumped in his chair, with his eyes closed]

Axle: (muttering) It's going to be a long day. [Pauses and thinks] No, it's going to be a long year. I wonder if my parents will spring for schooling in France.

Maria: You are not abandoning me. If I have to suffer through this, so do you.

Principal: Normally an easy going guy. But I was warned about you two. [He intensifies his glare] Principal Summers will never be able to teach again.

Axle: (excited) Really? [He sits up. Maria kicks him in the shins] Ow. I mean, uh, my condolences. Really. He was, um, an excellent administrator. I'm sure he's a wonderful human being if you knew him socially that is. He really will be missed. [Aside, to Maria] Yeah, by people who thought Pamela Lee's tits were real. [Maria snickers. Principal slams the desk]

Maria: Eep!

Principal: Was it not clear the first time, Ms. Falkner? You and your accomplice-

Axle: Hey! How do you know she isn't my accomplice?

Principal: Please. I highly doubt that your cognitive abilities compare to that of a chimp's.

Axle: I resent that.

Principal: You aren't allowed to resent anything in my office.

Maria: Listen, um, I was kinda wondering, if, you know, we could, maybe, go to, you know, class? Maybe?

Principal: You are to remain here until this is worked out.

Axle: What's there to work out?

Maria: Axle, shut up and I'll get us out of this.

Axle: Why do I have to shut up? Why do you always have to talk?

Maria: Because you're talking tends to lead to porta-potty duty.

Axle: So? You still get us into detention.

Maria: Yes, but at least we're not in danger of falling in!

Axle: I'm sorry I pushed you, all right!

Maria: I didn't know you pushed me.

Axle: Um, it was an accident? I thought I Foot. Yeah.

Maria: In Ulster?

Axle: Okay, so maybe it wasn't Big Foot. But it was large and hairy and smelly. It fooled me, okay?

Maria: Are you sure it wasn't your Uncle Larry?

Axle: No, it's breasts were supported.

Principal: Getting back to the subject at hand.

Maria: We're sorry and we'll never do it again.

Axle: I love you? [Maria elbows Axle] Ow. I think I broke a rib. Would you stop doing that?

Maria: I'll stop when you shut up.

Axle: Fine. I'm closing my mouth now. See? Mouth all closed.

Maria: Gee, for some strange reason I can still hear you.

Axle: Really? 'Cause my mouth is closed, you know. So, I don't think hearing me would be all that easy. [Maria hits him again and he closes his mouth. Maria turns toward the Principal, an ingratiating smile on her face]

Maria: Sir, I'm sure it was all just a big misunderstanding. I mean, we're new. We don't know the rules. Leniency? We're lowly freshmen.

Principal: Well, I'm not going to put you in the Pit today. But you did commit a felony, so I'm going to have to put it down on your permanent record.

Maria: God damn it! I mean, shucks.

Principal: You are excused. [Maria puts one hand over Axle's mouth, and grabs his arm with the other]

Maria: Thank you sir. We'll be going now. [To Axle] Stop licking me. I'm not going to be taking my hand off of your mouth until you can't get us into anymore trouble with it. [She physically drags Axle out of the door. The principal rubs the bridge of his nose]

Principal: It's going to be a long year.

[Enter Rachel]

Rachel: (timidly) Um, did you know that there's a guy outside with a voodoo doll of you? [Principal sighs and stands. He walks over to the door and opens it]

Principal: (yelling) Mr. Cobb. If you do not cease and desist, I will put you in the Pit, first day or no first day.

Maria: (os) Sorry, he slipped his leash. Bad Axle! Bad!

Axle: Ow! Hey! Stop hitting me! [The Principal closes the door and walks over to his desk]

Principal: (muttering) Six more years until retirement. Six more years until retirement. [Looks up at Rachel] Is there a reason you're in here? Or are you just a snitch.

Rachel: Uh, yeah. Not the snitch part. The first bit. The former part. Yeah. Don't kill me? I have a legitamate reason for taking up your precious time, oh mighty one. I'm that transfer student. Rachel Harzen?

Principal: (brightening) Oh yes. I've heard good things about you. [Rachel suppresses a giggle] So, how many honors courses are you taking?

Rachel: All the ones they would let me take.

Principal: Good. You're just what I need after those two slackers. [Looks over her transcript] Well, I see that you have a lot of art credits.

Rachel: Yeah, that's what I do.

Principal: That's great. Just make sure that you don't slack in any of your other classes. Now. Do you have any questions?

Rachel: I have two actually.

Principal: Go right ahead.

Rachel: Where's the nearest bathroom? I want to change into some normal clothing.

Principal: Right around the corner. [Pause, mutters] Normal clothing? [Shakes head] And the second question?

Rachel: Well, I don't know if I should ask it.

Principal: No, no. Go right ahead. We believe in an open minded learning policy.

Rachel: No, I really shouldn't.

Principal: Please, I insist. You can ask anything you want.

Rachel: I'm going to hold you to that, you realize.

Principal: That's quite all right. Now, what's your question?

Rachel: Well.....Do you realize that you have a dead squirrel on your head?

[Scene VIII: Outside the cafeteria. Enter Artemis, Sam and Rachel. Rachel has changed into goth clothing]

Artemis: You mentioned The Toupee?

Rachel: Well, it was sort of obvious. I wanted to know if he was conscious of the fact that he was wearing a dead squirrel or not.

Artemis: So much for hanging around you to improve our standing with the principal.

Rachel: Why would you want to be in better graces with the principal?

Artemis: Well, if we don't hang out with the 'suspicious crowd', playing hookie is so much easier.

Sam: Grunt.

Rachel: What'd she say?

Artemis: Oh, she was merely hypothesizing about the quantum physics theory thay state that if you're not directly observing something it ceases to exist. Ergo, since we are not directly observing the principal, he no longer exists so we can leave school.

Rachel: She said all that in one grunt?

Artemis: No, but that was what I was thinking so I just sort of ab libbed. I think Sam was wondering if we're going to get lunch or not.

Rachel: Food is good.

Sam: Grunt.

Artemis: (to Sam) You don't have the munchies again, do you?

Sam: Grunt.

Artemis: Thought so.

[They push open the cafeteria doors and are greeted by a swarming mass. The air is filled with shouts and pushing. Rachel stares incredulously at the swarm and turns toward Artemis and Sam]

Rachel: They better be serving fillet mingion for this.

Artemis: Close, but I think it's Meatloaf Monday.

Rachel: But its Thursday.

Artemis: So?

Rachel: You can't have Meatloaf Monday on a Thursday!

Artemis: (pats her on the head) This is public education dear.

Rachel: I'm confused! On Thursday at my old school we had sushi.

Artemis: Well, you see, sushi doesn't make a very good alliteration either. I mean, Sushi Thursdays? What kind of name is that?

Rachel: Well, they got it right on Falafel Fridays.

Artemis: You got Falafel? Why the hell did you come to this school?

Rachel: Because my parents stopped paying for tuition, and this was the best public school in the tri-county area? By the way, why is that?

Artemis: Well, you know the huge building on campus?

Rachel: The six story monstrosity?

Artemis: Yeah, well, it's only used for detention. See, there's no excuse for not having your homework here.

Rachel: Well, I don't plan on getting any detentions. I mean, the warning I got was scary enough. [Artemis laughs so hard she falls over]

Artemis: That's the best joke I've heard it years. Are you sure you're not a professional?

Rachel: Professional what?

Artemis: Comedian! I mean, it's even better than the one Sam tells.

Rachel: (surprised) Sam tells jokes? How can you tell?

Sam: (angry) Grunt.

Rachel: Sorry.

Artemis: You should be. She's our ticket to the food.

Rachel: But it's Meatloaf.

Artemis: But we have no other food.

Rachel: But there's a really good cafe just around the corner.

Artemis: But we're surrounded by a barbed wire fence.

Rachel: But you can go under barbed wire. [Artemis looks her up and down]

Artemis: Not in what you're wearing. Besides, the cinder blocks go down ten feet.

Rachel: We could always cut the wire.

Artemis: Oh yeah, with what?

Rachel: Hold on. [Pulls a pair of wire cutters from her cleavage] Here we go.

Artemis: Ack, no, hide those. [She grabs them and tries to put them back down her cleavage]

Rachel: Excuse me!

Artemis: (paranoid) The walls have eyes.

Sam: Grunt.

Artemis: Exactly.

Rachel: Exactly what?

Artemis: If you don't know I'm not going to tell you.

Rachel: Okay. [Mutters] Why couldn't we have stayed in Seattle?

Artemis: Okay Sam, put on the helmet. [Sam sighs and puts on an industrial strength helmet]

Rachel: What's she doing?

Artemis: Well, see, we found out last year that having someone charge at this mass makes them part. And since I'm not assertive enough, and my hiney's cuter- [Sam grunts angrily] What? It's true- we made Sam do it.

Rachel: How effective is this?

Artemis: Watch, and be amazed.

[Sam lowers her head and charges into the crowd. There are a few yelps of surprise and pain, and then the crowd parts. Artemis and Rachel stroll through the newly made aisle]

Rachel: I'm impressed. Why isn't she on the football team?

Artemis: She was.

Rachel: I'd better not ask, huh.

Artemis: Yeah.

Rachel: Quick question. Does she take any languages at all?

Artemis: Yeah, she's getting 'A's in French and Spanish.

Rachel: How do you grunt in a foreign language?

Artemis: I don't know. Le grunt? El grunto?

Rachel: Oh, so she's the twisted love child of Pepe Le Peu and Speedy Gonzales.

Artemis: (thinking) Uh, sure. I have no idea who these people are, but whatever you say.

Rachel: You mean you've never heard of these characters? You know, 'Arraibe, Arraibe, Andale, Andale'? What about 'You are a shy one, no'?

Artemis: Um, no.

Rachel: You poor deprived child.

Artemis: I can tell you where hermaphrodite comes from. And the word lesbian.

Rachel: No thanks, but see you have a career ahead of you as a daytime talk show host.

Artemis: But you can't chant Artemis.

Rachel: Sure you can. Art-e-mis. Yeah, you're right, it doesn't work.

Artemis: Besides, who would want to?

Rachel: Ancient Greeks?

Artemis: Yeah, sure, I'll just get in my time machine and-

Rachel: Ooh, ooh, song cue!

Artemis: Huh?

Rachel: (singing) It's just a hop to the left, and a step to the right. Just put your hand on your hips and bring your knees in tight. Then it's the pelvic thrust that drives me insane. Lets do the time warp again. Lets do the time warp again.

Random Person: (yelling) Do the Transvestite Song!

Other Random Person: (yelling) And the dance! With the outfit!

Rachel: How, about, no.

Artemis: Suddenly I'm glad that my mom never lets me watch anything other than educational programs.

Rachel: 'Rocky Horror Picture Show' is educational. Haven't you ever wanted to learn about transvestites from transsexual Transylvania. And it has a Meatloaf cameo.

Artemis: As in the food?

Rachel: You poor deprived child.

Artemis: I think we've established this.

[They reach Sam, who is sitting on the ground with a dazed expression. She looks up at Artemis and Rachel and grunts]

Artemis: No I'm not your mommy. And neither is she. You ran into the wall again didn't you.

Rachel: Again?

Artemis: We have to work on your observation skills again, don't we.

Rachel: Once more. Again?

Artemis: Well, it was summer, you know? There isn't much call for charging head first at things. Unless you're a stunt double. [To Sam] So that's where you disappeared to all summer. You got a job. I feel abandoned. I had no one to accompany me in the mocking of people going to summer school. [They begin to walk through the food line]

Rachel: So, wait, you came to summer school just to mock people?

Artemis: So I had no life! So sue me!

Rachel: Well, suppose it's better than getting stoned all day.

Artemis: Okay. Quick question. Is this food or toxic sludge?

Sam: Grunt.

Artemis: That's what I thought. So you go stoned all summer.

Rachel: No, no, my boyfriend did that.

Artemis: (surprised) You had a boyfriend?

Rachel: Why does this surprise people?

Artemis: I just sort of assumed you have a sp- Never mind.

Rachel: I don't want to know, do I?

Artemis: Not really. You'll probably hit me. And my hiney's too precious to be hit.

Rachel: Uh huh. I don't particularly want to hit your hiney.

Artemis: You don't? I mean, of course you don't. Why would you? You have a boy friend. Which, by the way, makes your lust for Jake a little inappropriate.

Rachel: No, no, we broke up. I mean, anybody who loves their bong more than me just isn't right.

Artemis: So you went out with a stoner. That must have made the sex very interesting.

Rachel: Well, it would have been if we had had sex. And we didn't. So, no prob, bob.

Artemis: No, it's Artemis. And that's Sam. Bob is someone entirely different.

Rachel: Okay. You really didn't have a childhood, did you?

Artemis: I did. Sort of. I watched Mr. Rogers. You know? Educational T.V?

Rachel: I'm really glad I didn't have your childhood. [Looks down at filled tray with surprise] How did this get full? And what is it?

Artemis: We find it best not ask and just believe them.

Sam: Grunt.

Artemis: Sorry, I'm broke. I was trying to scam some off of Rachel.

Rachel: Hey! I just got here.

Artemis: And it's tradition for the new kid to buy her friends food.

Rachel: No it isn't. And even if it is, I'm going to break tradition.

Artemis: Okay, lets put it this way. We've done our part, you know getting you here in one piece and before the bell rings?

Rachel: You didn't do that. Sam did.

Artemis: But I'm so cute. How can you say no to these eyes?

Rachel: Like this. No. N. O. No.

Artemis: Damn it. Okay, if I think I have enough pennies to cover this.

Rachel: You're going to pay in pennies? This is so humiliating, I'm actually going to pay for you.

Artemis: (exultant) All right! [They pay and exit the line. Artemis cranes her neck looking around] Okay, time for a crash course in the social groups. One, the good tables are always taken by the popular people.

Rachel: Why don't we just kick them out? We've got the numbers.

Artemis: Because they have the Principal on their side.

Rachel: Okay, good point.

Artemis: The tables closest to the computer lab are always taken by the nerds. Trust me. You don't want to eat with the nerds.

Rachel: But they look so friendly.

Artemis: Well, they have a tendency to figure out the exchange rate of food by weight on Jupiter. And trust me, you get screwed every time.

Rachel: Oh come on. Everybody knows that the gravitational pull of Juptier is 2.34 times that of Earth's.

Artemis: (bluffing) Oh yeah. Of course. But, you know, none of us own a calculater large enough to computate the exact exchange rate they use.

Rachel: You mean you can't do it in your head?

Artemis: Um...Lets get on with the lesson. The tables nearest the windows are taken by the slackers and stoners. You know, fresh breeze to get rid of smoke?

Rachel: I don't think we want to take over their table, huh.

Artemis: Nope, but you can find the coolest science projects underneath it. The rebels like to sit within milk flinging distance of the popular table.

Rachel: So we're sitting there?

Artemis: Uh, no. See, the problem is, the real outcasts sit on the fringe of the popular people and throw milk back.

Rachel: I see. Well, that's okay. I prefer to take my calcium orally. Not.....whatever. You know, splashed on me.

Artemis: Smart choice. The skaters tend to spread themselves out. My people tend to sit where they can observe everything and make comments.

Rachel: And where would that be?

Artemis: Well, we bribed one of the math people to figure it out for us, and it turns out, the groups form this pentagon- I mean, star. Yeah. Star. [Looks warily around. Sam's head snaps up]

Sam: Grunt.

Artemis: No, not that pentagon. I hope. Anyway, first we figured out that the ideal place would be right in the middle. Then we figured out that sitting right in the middle, we could get stuff thrown at us. So instead, we sit as close to the exit as possible.

Rachel: But isn't that sort of, you know, directly in the path of traffic?

Artemis: And the problem is where

Rachel: Okay.

Artemis: Come on, I'll introduce you to everybody.

[Scene IX: A lunch table. Focus in on Jake. He's staring at Rachel, a half eaten sandwich half way to his mouth. The remnants of a huge lunch are scattered in front of him. Three football players, (David, Scott, and Wayne) are staring at him, in awe]

Scott: He's not eating. The end of the world is coming.

Wayne: He's always eating. Do you think he's dead?

Scott: If he is, dibs on his pudding.

Wayne: I want his car.

David: I call his girlfriend.

Scott: But you have a girlfriend.

David: So? I'm sure I can convince both of them to experiment.

Wayne: You're probably going to get her anyway if she sees the stare he's giving that other chick.

David: You mean, the undressing them mentally stare, or past the undressing and into the part with the fishnets and the riding crop.

Scott: Okay, I really don't want to know what your fantasies happen to be Dave.

Wayne: Personally, I want the Princess Leia outfit.

Scott: What, you got a hair fetish, Wayne?

Wayne: No, no. You know, the slave thing.

Scott: Oh yeah. The sticky screen scene.

David: Okay, Scott, you're not allowed to talk. Anyway, you, have to think that the Goth thing's sort of you know, kinky.

Wayne: Do you think he would notice if I took his sandwich?

Scott: I don't know. Why don't you try.

David: I'll give you ten bucks if he doesn't.

Wayne: You're on.

Scott: (pulls out cell phone) I'm ready to call 9-1-1.

Wayne: Nice to know I have such supporting friends.

Scott: Well, come on. You saw how he reacted when you both reached for the pretzels at the same time. I mean he doesn't even let Sarah touch his food.

Wayne: Good point.

[Wayne reaches over toward the sandwich, carefully keeping his gaze on Jake. He tentatively touches the bottom of the sandwich, then hastily pulls his hand away. Jake doesn't react. Emboldened, Wayne grabs, the sandwich on the bottom, and tugs gently. Jake still react. Wayne carefully extracts the sandwich from Jake's fingers, making sure that he's out of Jake's direct view while doing so. Having liberated the sandwich, Wayne turns to the other two a triumphant grin on his face]

Wayne: Touchdown! [He takes a bite out of the sandwich. Mouth full] I swear, his mom makes the best food.

Scott: Ooh, pudding. [He grabs the pudding] Yoike! Now all we need is the keys to his car.

Wayne: You owe me ten bucks, dude.

David: Damn it, I'm broke now. [Pause] Hey Wayne, I dare you to steal the keys from his pocket.

[Jake goes to take a bite of his sandwich, forestalling any attempts to steal his keys. He bites his thumb]

Jake: Ouch! What the hell? [Looks around confused] Didn't I have a sandwich here just a second ago?

Wayne: Nope, no sandwich here.

Jake: I'm not asking if there's one here now. I know there ain't. I want to know which one of you took it.

[Scott and David point at Wayne]

S&D: He took it. [ Wayne points back at them]

Wayne: They took it. [Jake glares at him]

Jake: No, I think we're going to go with the majority here. I believe in a democratic society.

Wayne: What happened to innocent until proven guilty?

Jake: Fine. I believe in a tyranny.

Wayne: But Scott took your pudding.

Jake: He did? Okay, looks like I'm going to have to kill both of you.

W&S: Mommy.

David: You can't kill them. We need them for practice.

Wayne: By the way, who's the chick you were staring at?

Jake: (dreamy) I think she's an angel.

Scott: Not in that outfit. Unless she's one of Hell's Angels.

Jake: Don't insult her. She's a goddess.

David: Should I be reminding you about Sarah, or can I just take her?

Jake: Go ahead. I mean, um, of course not. Crap. [Glares at the three] I didn't say that.

Wayne: Only if I didn't take your sandwich.

Scott: And I didn't take your pudding.

Jake: (thoughtfully) Wrath of Sarah versus stolen food. [Long pause, then grudgingly] Okay, you didn't take the pudding. And I guess you didn't take the sandwich. [The cafeteria suddenly falls silent]

Rachel: Don't you just want to rip off his clothes and- [Pause] Hah, ha. How....awkward. [Hits forehead, mutters] I hate my life. [Noise resumes, as Rachel and co walk toward the artsy table]

Jake: (Thought VO) I wonder who she's thinking about, lucky bastard. I wonder what she looks like naked? [Looks at Rachel. Outloud] Ooh, her bra strap is showing.

David: You want to date that? Man, I thought you had class.

Jake: But what if she's talking about me? [They all laugh]

Wayne: Yeah right. If she's talking about anybody, it isn't you.

[Scene X: Cafeteria. There's a sudden ripple at the entrance as Maria and Axle enter. Wherever they go, a little bubble of silence surrounds them, and a path opens before them, then closes almost immediately afterward. Zoom in on them. Maria is looking around, a little hurt, while Axle has an expression of disdain on his face]

Maria: So much for having a clean slate.

Axle: I told you it wouldn't be different.

Maria: Yeah, but I didn't think it would be this similar.

Axle: It's not. At least we're not getting spit on.

Maria: Okay, so there is something to be thankful for.

Axle: And the teacher's don't break down crying when we come in.

Maria: True.

Axle: Ooh, ooh. We aren't covered in pudding either.

Maria: Axle.

Axle: Yes?

Maria: That was you're fault. The other students had nothing to do with that.

Axle: Well, it's something to be thankful for, isn't it?

Maria: True.

Axle: Besides, this little, protective, sphere thing means we might actually get food.

Maria: Hmm. There may be something to be said for high school after all.

[Scene XI: The cafeteria. Pan over to Rachel, staring at them. She turns back to the group. Besides Artemis and Sam, there are (in order of seating arrangements from left to right) Stratford, Artemis' current boyfriend, Brian, Curtis, Ayers, Jamie (female) and Kenny, Charlie, Ford, Faith, and Chris, Sam's ambigious significant other. Stratford is a sort of typical male, from England and Ayers is from Australia. Ford is typically very horny. Artemis begins to introduce everybody]

Artemis: Okay, everybody, this is Rachel. She's one of us.

All: Hey/hi/etc

.Rachel: I am?

Artemis: You're an artsy person, right?

Rachel: (hesitant) Maybe.

Artemis: Than you're one of us.

Rachel: You know, I thought I would be considered a rebel.

Artemis: Oh you are. We're a sub-species of rebels. We're the ones who don't get detention.

Rachel: Oh. My kind of rebel.

Ayers: Ah yes, all the perks of consciously disdaining society, but none of that driving need to be suspended. [They all look at her weirdly] What?

Artemis: Okay. Rachel, this is my masculine half, Stratford, that's Brian, Curtis, Ayers -as in the rock-, Jamie, her boyfriend Christian, Charlie, Ford, Faith and Chris. The vocal part of Sam.

Rachel: Is Chris short for something?

Chris: Yes. [Pause]

Rachel: Well?

Chris: Well what?

Rachel: Never mind. [Turns to Ayers] So, how did you get you name?

Ayers: Well, I think it's sort of self-explanitory once you know that Gloucester was a very close runner up. So was Arizona, Baghdad, Dakota, Denver and Maine. My current theory is that they couldn't figure out just where I was concived. My older sister has it a lot easier. She's Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds. It's really fun when she has to initial something.

Rachel: Okay. Ahh, like I should talk. My middle name is- Never mind.

Charlie: Hey Avon, do you know what the next play is?

Rachel: Avon?

Brian: Yeah, as in Stratford on Avon.

Stratford: (mild English accent) Usually it's Avon on Stratford. [Artemis slaps him] Ow. I hate it when she does that.

Artemis: Okay, I think I need to retrain you.

Stratford: Um, no?

Sam: Grunt.

Artemis: Yeah, I agree with her.

Stratford: But you don't even know what she said.

Artemis: Well, yeah, but it's usually good.

Rachel: (to Chris) I assuming that this is a very low maintenance relationship.

Faith: Considering that Chris has the same reaction to Sam as Cheez Whiz-

Rachel: What...they attack each other?

Chris: (shrugs) They think I'm not overtly emotional.

Jamie: Chris, you have no emotions. Oh well. I suppose we should be glad that you don't grunt like Sam.

Chris: There's nothing wrong with grunting.

Rachel: Quick question. Does Sam every speak when it's just the two of you?

Chris: What do you mean? Sam is always talking to me.

Rachel: Sure.

Chris: What, you can't read body language?

Christian: So, what sort of Art do you do?

Rachel: Oh, painting and sculpture. Studio art.

Ford: Ahh. Hey, do you have a boyfriend?

Rachel: Um, no.

Faith: What about a girlfriend? [Artemis glares at her] What? I just thought I'd ask.

Rachel: (mildly peeved) No, I don't. Why does everybody assume I'm a lesbian?

Faith: We're not assuming. It's just a good idea to, you know, cover all the bases.

Artemis: Well, save your breath. She's head over heels for Jake Fischer.

Stratford: Shouldn't that be knees wide open? [Artemis slaps him again] Ow. Okay, I'm shutting up now.

Rachel: What happened to the tender hiney?

Artemis: It's resting on something comfortable.

Ford: (disgusted) Jake Fischer as in the jock?

Ayers: You know another Jake Fischer?

Curtis: You're never going to get him. He has a socially acceptable girlfriend. Besides, social classes don't interact, much less inter-date.

Ayers: Yes, we have sadly degenerated into the same segregation of the classes that was prominent in the late 7th century. [They look at her wierdly again] Why do you guys always do that? Just becasue I pay attention in class....

Brian: I don't know. He was giving her a look.

Faith: The 'I'm-undressing-you-mentally' look, or the 'I-worship-the-ground-you-walk-on' look.

Brian: It was a sort of mixture. You know, the 'I-think-you're-a-Goddess-but-I-still-want-to-boff-you' look.

Faith: Interesting.

Rachel: (to Artemis) Do you people do this often?

Artemis: Well, normally we discuss sexual techniques, but since it's your first day, we've decided to be nice to you.

Rachel: Gee. Thanks.

[Scene XII: Ext school, later that day. Quiet reigns, then is quickly shattered by the sound of the school bell. There is the distant sound like an earthquake, then the school empties itself. Focus in on Rachel, Artemis and Stratford]

Stratford: (announcer voice) You just survived your first day of school. What are you going to do now?

Rachel: Go home and try and scrub myself clean. [Casts a mildly freaked look over her shoulder] Is Mr. Goode always like that?

Artemis: Relating everything to a phallic symbol?

Rachel: Yeah.

Artemis: Pretty much.

Rachel: Joy. I get to spend a semester learning about phallic symbols. So what are you guys doing?

Artemis: (shrug) I don't know. Hang at the mall? Go catch a flick?

Stratford: We are?

Artemis: Well, if you can think of anything better to do, go right ahead.

Stratford: Well, there is this place....[Grins suggestively]

Rachel: I'm leaving now. [She gets on the bus]

[Scene XIII: A classroom. Maria and Axle are sitting at the desks. Axle is drawing on his desk with a sharpie. Maria is observing]

Maria: You know, I really don't think that you should be doing that.

Axle: What are they going to do? Give me detention. Now I don't know if this missed your keen observation skills, but we are already in detention.

Maria: Oh shut up, Axle. There's no reason to be snide.

Axle: Sure there is. It's your fault we're in detention.

Maria: And how do you figure that?

Axle: Well, if you hadn't bumped me, no one would have noticed.

Maria: (sighs) Axle, you were trying to flood the gym. I think they would have noticed.

Axle: No they wouldn't. [Whines] I can't believe you stopped me. During cheerleading tryouts. When they were all in white shirts.

Maria: They were already scantily clad, Axle. Isn't that enough?

Axle: Well, they would have been scantily clad and wet. [Drools slightly] I would have been a hero amongst all guys.

Maria: (sighs) Down Axle. [Pause] So, am I eating at your house or are you eating at mine?

Axle: Well, I think my parents remembered that they had a fourth kid and actually left me money this time. I'm thinking that ordering a pizza is in order.

Maria: Sounds good to me. The 'Toothless Hag' is still on her all natural, no-meat-dairy-or-synthetic/artificial-products kick.

Axle: My house it is, then.

[Scene XIV: Jake's truck. He, David, Scott and Wayne are in it. David is driving, Jake is in the shotgun seat and Scott and Wayne are in the back. Jake is fuming]

Jake: I still don't understand why I can't drive.

David: Because we would all like to make it home in a breathing condition.

Scott: Yeah, you're so hung up on that goth chick, you almost backed over the Principal's car.

Wayne: Of course, it's not like that would be a bad thing necessarily.

Scott: Yes it would be. We would loose our academic privileges. [Pause] Worse, we'd be kicked off the team and actually have to work for passing grades.

David: Well, maybe you two would. I don't think they would sack the QB.

Jake: I don't know. The other teams do that often enough.

David: And who's fault is that, pray tell?

Jake: Don't look at me. I'm only the Captain.

Scott: Dude, that's your job.

Jake: Okay, look at me, but realize that I have to depend on you guys to get things right. [Pause] And I am not hung up on Rachel. I mean the goth chick. I have a girlfriend. Whom I am very much involved with. You know, Whats-her-name.

David: Dude, you'd be a little more convincing if you remembered your current girlfriends name.

Wayne: Yeah, instead of that Goth chick's. You know, just the fact that you know her name with out being in a single class with her says something: You so want to do her.

Jake: (protesting violently) No I don't!

David: Yes you do.

Jake: I don't! If I just wanted sex, than I wouldn't be looking at other girls than Sarah.

Scott: Right, right. You just want her to chain you to a wall and fuck your brains out.

Jake: Exactly, I mean no!

David: So, wait, all Sarah offers is sex?

Jake: No! That's the exactly the opposite of what I'm saying! You're twisting my words!

David: So you want the Goth girl just for sex.

Jake: I don't want either of them just for sex!

Wayne: So you want to have sex with a guy.

Jake: No!

Scott: So you don't want to have sex ever again.

Jake: That's not what I'm saying! That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!

Wayne: So now you're calling sex dumb.

Jake: No! Sex is great!

David: So then, you want to see Rachel and Sarah have sex.

Jake: Well, yeah, but who wouldn't.

Scott: Oh, so you're like one of those Peeping Toms. The ones who look at girls getting undressed.

Jake: No that's not it at all!

Wayne: So you like to watch guys getting undressed.

Jake: No, that's just sort of disturbing and sick.

David: So you want to have sick sex. Like watching a girl and an animal get it on.

Jake: No, God, I don't want watch that!

Wayne: So you want to participate in the whole barnyard fetish.

Jake: I don't know what you do late at night, Wayne, but I'm not into that sort of thing! I'm more into eating anmials than fucking them.

David: Oh, oh, so you have like one of those food fetishes don't you. You know, the ones where you invovle food in the sex process. Like cucumbers and sausges. You know, litterally eating out girls.

Jake: Oh, God. Now I'm not going to be able to eat again.

Wayne: So you're saying if it was guy it'd be okay.

Jake: That's like, no where near what I'm saying. Look, all I'm saying is that she's really hot.

All: Who?

Jake: The goth chick!

Wayne: Marlyin Manson?

Jake: What is it with you and men?

Wayne: Whoa dude, I don't swing that way. I don't know about you, but...

Jake: Ahh! This is the last time I ever tell you guys anything.

[Scene XV: The classroom. Axle's doodle has metamorphosed into a surreal adaptation of 'The Scream', with the reason for the screamer's scream being Maria. It's dark outside. Maria is sitting on her desk and kicking her legs, looking around the room. She hasn't seen Axle's drawing, her focus, being on the clock on the wall that reads seven o'clock]

Maria: (frowning) Axle, what time was the door supposed to be unlocked?

Axle: (thinking) I'm not sure. I think we were supposed to be here 'till five.

Maria: Mmm. Quick question.

Axle: Shoot.

Maria: (mutters) Don't even tempt me. [Louder] Did you change the time on the clock?

Axle: No. I should have, though.

[Scene XVI: Rachel's house. It has a dark blue exterior and is a nice, suburban, two story house. Cut to interior where we see that it is decorated vaguely middle-eastern, New Age, Indian, Hippy, Native American-ish. NPR is playing in the background and the clattering of June, Rachel's mom is heard. Rachel enters]

Rachel: Mom! I'm home! Where are you?

June: In the kitchen.

[There is a curtain of beads in the door that presumably leads towards the kitchen. Rachel goes through and we follow. June is bent over a the oven door. She pulls out a cookie sheet of chocolate chip cookies and puts them on the rack. Rachel licks her lips and edges towards them]

Rachel: Can I eat these?

June: If I can call you Ray-Ray.

Rachel: (long suffering sigh) Fine. [Mutters] The things I do for chocolate chip cookies. [Pause] Wait. Why'd you bake them? What's the occasion?

June: Well, I noticed the cookie dough in the freezer was disappearing, so I decided to bake them before you got salmonella.

Rachel: But eating the dough is the best part of the cookie. [June gives her a look. Rachel sighs] I know, I know. Health risk.

June: So, how was school?

Rachel: Well, I found out why the school had such a good academic record. [Takes a cookie] Oh, and I met the local psychos.

June: That's nice dear. And you worried about making new friends.

[Scene XVI: The class room. The clock reads 8:30. The drawing has escalated into a multi-colored master piece, including Axle in the background, surrounded by nubile female slaves]

Maria: Okay, this is ridiculous. [Pause] I'm breaking a window.


[Scene I: The School. A hallway. A janitor is getting ready for the day. He unlocks the door to find Axle and Maria asleep. They are as far from each other as possible. He frowns and clears his throat. Axle jumps up, eyes wild and paranoid]

Axle: (quickly) Who are you? Where am I? Maria! Get up.

Maria: (muttering) I'm up, I'm up. No need to call the dogs. [Axle flings his sharpie at her] Ow! [She sits up, glaring] Mom, I told you-Axle, what the hell are you doing in my room again? I told you, I don't want to sleep wih you, and I don't like it when you look at me when I'm sleeping. [Looks at Janitor] Who are you? Axle, I understand. But you don't look like Daddy at all.

Axle: They've kidnaped us! I told you the aliens are real!

Maria: Axle, I don't think you could consider him an alien even in the Federal sense.

Janitor: This must be your fist all night detention.

Maria: They give all night detention?

Axle: So that's why they didn't let us out.

Janitor: (laughs good naturedly) Oh yeah, you didn't know? Of course they didn't put you in the all nighter room so I suppose you wouldn't.

Maria: There's an all nighter room?

Janitor: Oh yeah. It's especially designed so you can't go to sleep. You just tell me the next time you got an all nighter and I'll make sure you end up in the right place.

Maria: Well, on the bright side, at least I got my homework done.

Axle: Oh yeah. I knew I forgot something.

Janitor: Well, the showers are downstairs, and the cafeteria has a special breakfast program for all nighters like you.

Maria: It's going to be a long year.