All's Quiet On the Lunatic Fringe

Episode 203: What If: Woodstock

Created by Emma Berman

Written by Emma Berman and Laurel Black

{Scene: Guy's apartment. Axle and Jake are watching the Woodstock documentary]

Axle: Dude, it would've been so cool to have gone to the first Woodstock.

Jake: No it wouldn't have. Five hundred thousand people when the facilites were planned for forty thousand does not sound like a good time. And it got really cold.

Axle: But the slogan was 'make nookie, not war'.

Jake: Actually the slogan was three days of peace, love and music.

Axle: Exactly! It's got that word in it.

Jake: Music?

Axle: No, the other one.

Jake: Peace?

Axle: No, no. The other one.

Jake: Oh yeah, I'm talking to you. You can't say that word, can you.

Axle: Yeah. Anyway, Jimi Hendriks was there. He played the Star Spangled Banner at three a.m. On day four. When everybody was getting over their acid trips. And the ones who could stand went home.

Jake: That's great. A bunch of hippies getting stoned and drunk. While listening to happy music. Sounds like a grand old time to me.

Axle: Jake, I thought you threw out that 'How to Speak Yuppy-ese' book.

Opening theme and credits. It looks like it was set in the sixites. Ie, very grainy and in costume, with sixites citar music.

[Scene: Exterior of volkswagon bus painted with campy sixties stuff. Cut to interior shot of van. Jake and Axle are in the front seat. Jake looks meticulously groomed (ie, yuppy-ish). Axle has long hair and beard, with tie-dyed shirt, beat up jeans, and no shoes. He basically looks like a he hasn't washed in a couple weeks (crusty hippie). Jake is driving and looks disgruntled. We can't see into the back]

Jake: I really don't appreciate what you've done to my van.

Axle: Chill out, dude, it'll come off in a couple of weeks, with some paint thinner.

Jake: It's the principal of the thing.

Axle: Ooh, the college grad uses big words.

Jake: At least I graduated.

Axle: Hey, I've been out of school for [counts fingers] six years.

Jake: And that's not something to be proud of. You should only have been- Wait, you should still be in school.

Axle: School is bad, dude. It rots your brain. Makes you part of the establishment.

Jake: It does not.

Axle: Of course you'd say that. They told you to say it. You've been programmed.

Jake: Whatever.

Axle: Besides, I'm an artist. I don't need school.

Jake: Yes you do. You need me to go to school so I can have a career and support you and your loser, go no where girlfriend.

Maria (from back): Hey, do you want me to stop cooking for you two bottomless pits? [Roate around until camera is facing forward. We see Maria lying in a hammock in the back. There are backpacks, sleeping bags and a tent on the floor]

Jake: No ma'am.

Axle: He didn't mean it, wheat-free, all natural, environment friendly, honey-cakes with unbleached recylable packaging.

Maria: Don't call me that.

Axle: Why not?

Maria: Because it's confusing. And patronizing. I'm a liberated wommon.

Jake: God, what's with all this womens lib movement? Honestly, what stupid fad will you girls think up next. Although, I do support the bra-burning.

Maria: You- you- male chauvanistic pig! [To Axle] Why'd we bring him along, anyway?

Axle: 'Cause he's the only one who can drive.