All's Quiet On the Lunatic Fringe

Episode 210: Ski-Trip: Going

By Emma Berman and Laurel Black

[Scene: The girls apartment. Cut to individual shots of each character's trees (small potted plants). JAKE has a normal Christmas tree. RACHEL has a yule tree. MARIA has a happy chanukah shrub. AXLE has a giant professionally done tree, that has obviously not been done by him. It is out on the balcony. The others look at it and then at AXLE]

AXLE: What? It was outside Macy's, I thought it was free.

Roll opening theme and credits.

[Scene: MARIA's aprtment, night. It's obviously winter time. Everybody is there, MARIA's in the kitchen looking for something]

MARIA: Well, I don't have hot chocolate, but I do have hot tea.

AXLE (whining): It's not the same.

MARIA: Tough. [She comes out of the kitchen]

RICHARD: Well, it's been fun, but we have to go. Honey? [Holds out his hand to JULIE. RACHEL laughs]

RACHEL: How corny is that? You sound like a couple from a fifties t.v show. [Mocks, via the criminal in "Breakfast Club" mocking the brain] "Hey Honey, could you pass me another slice of that delicious apple pie with vanilla ice cream?"

MARIA: Like you guys are any better?

RACHEL: What do you mean? We aren't like that are we?

MARIA (mimics): "Muffin?" [AXLE grins and plays along]

AXLE (with Pepe le Peu voice): "Yes oh she who cuases the sun to rise and set with her beauty alone?"

MARIA (mimics): "Could you run down to Belgium and fetch me some chocolates?" [Bats eyes and puts on cute act]

AXLE (same): "But of course my darling. I would do anything for you."

MARIA: (same): "And then when you get back we can make love like crazed weasels until we pass out from exhaustion and when we wake up we can do it again."

AXLE (normal): In many different places and positions. I have pictures.

RACHEL (stunned): What?

AXLE: Um, nothing. It was just a funny little joke. [Laughs nervously] Wait. None of you are laughing.

RICHARD: So, you giong home at all over Christmass, MARIA?

MARIA: Nah. I already did my hour. I got it out of the way early. I called them on January second.

RICHARD: I'm not surprised. I just wish I'd thought of that.

FERNAND (confused): But wait. I, uh, I am confused. I do not understand what you are talking about. We usually only do it three or four times. Or were you counting by the hour.

MARIA: Eww. I think I'll ignore Frenchy now. [To the others] So, wait, who's not doing anything over Christmass?

KIMMBERLY: I have a coven thing. We're, um, going to replicate the Great Rite.

MARIA: O.k, so I guess that means that RACHEL is out too. And if RACHELs out, so's Fred.

RACHEL: Actually I haven't heard anything about this. But getting back to what AXLE said-

AXLE (quickly): I, uh, I have a pressing engagement. In Niquragua. I'll be leaving now. [Runs out of the apartment]

RACHEL (warning): AXLE..... [Follows]

FERNAND: My darling, wait for me. I am coming for you.

JAKE: I would hope so.

[FERNAND exits. There is a pause]

MARIA: So, who's up for Yahtzee?

Kimmberly: Ooh, ooh, ooh! Me, me, me! Can we play strip yahtzee?

[Scene: Boss' office. The boss is sitting behind a huge desk. Again, we can't see his face. MARIA is sort of cowering in a chair in front of his desk]

Boss: Falkner, how long have you worked with us?

MARIA (meek): Six years.

Boss: And in that time you've only been on vaction once.

MARIA: That's correct sir. [The boss sighs and his chair creaks]

Boss: Listen, Falkner, you need to use up those three weeks of vacation time you have. Take some time off from the column. You deserve it. [MARIA shudders]

MARIA: No thank you, sir. The last time I went on vacation, AXLE managed to convice me to go to New York City with him. We ended up in Iceland.

Boss: Listen, Falkner, if you don't go on vacation now, we're giving it to Robert in Accounting. [MARIA gasps, an affronted look in her eyes] Well? [MARIA thinks for a minute, then sighs]

MARIA: Fine. I'll see you in three weeks, Boss.

[Scene: MARIA's apartment. The later that day. MARIA and RACHEL are sitting at the table]

MARIA: Oh come on, we have to go somewhere. I mean, we can't spend Christamss-

RACHEL (interuppting): Yule.

MARIA: Whatever. All I know is that I have to use up my vacation time now, or it goes to Robert in accounting. And I am not giving anything to that bastard. Anyway, we can't spend it here. That'd be boring.

RACHEL: Well, where do you suggest we go.

MARIA: What about skiing?

RACHEL: What about it? It's cold, you're going really fast down hill, there are a lot of other people, you have to wear a stupid outfit, you can't wear good shoes, you could die-

MARIA (interuppting): You can stay in the warm lodge and drink hot chocolate and narggle.

RACHEL: Skiing it is. [JAKE and AXLE eneter]

AXLE: We're going skiing? Let me go wax my skis. [FERNAND enters]

FERNAND: Darling, I have come to winter plans with you.

RACHEL: Too late, we're going skiing.

Fernarnd: Oh, we are going to France?

MARIA: Only if you pay, Frenchy.

FERNAND: You are coming as well? That changes everything.

AXLE: Hey I know this cool place where we can ski.

MARIA: Really? I didn't think you ever left the aparment.

AXLE: That's not true, I've gone all the way down to the corner to get art supplies.

RACHEL: There's an art supply store around here?

AXLE: No I just stole them off some guy with a funny accent.

Ferenand: So that was who that was! [Charges AXLE. Begins to chase him around the apartment]

AXLE: Eep! MARIA, protect me.


AXLE: Please?

MARIA: What's it worth to you.

AXLE: Look, I'm already your slave for the next six lifetimes! What more do you want?

MARIA: I don't know, that cop's uniform is pretty cool.

AXLE: No. My cop's uniform! I stole it fair and square!

MARIA (to RACHEL): I don't know, how much do you think that Fred has on him?

RACHEL: Oh at least thirty pounds. Plus there's that anger factor.

AXLE (desperate): Fine! Take the stupid cop uniform!

FERNAND: I imported those from Italy for my darling!

RACHEL: What! [To MARIA] Don't you dare  save him.

MARIA: I wasn't really planning on it. I just want that cop uniform. [AXLE is cowering under the table]

AXLE: Hey! [Gets up abruptly. Hits his head on table] Ow. [MARIA sighs]

MARIA: Heel Frenchy. [FERNAND stops]


MARIA: What, it worked. Besides, AXLE's the only one who knows where this mythical ski place is anyway, so we sort of need him.

AXLE: Hah!

FERNAND: But, but, but, they were so expensive!

RACHEL: No biggy. We can just go through hs studio and steal his art supplies.

AXLE: If you really want to, you can. I can provide you with more whiped cream.

FERNAND: Did I, uh, miss something?

JAKE (grining): Oh yeah.

MARIA: Yeah, that's great. Now, with a subtle change of converstaion, who all is coming?

JAKE: Well, I know two people who are definately coming later tonight.

RACHEL: Uh, no.

FERNAND: I do not understand.

RACHEL: American slang. You don't really want to know.

FERNAND: But how does this tie into the whipped cream?

RACHEL: You don't really need to know.

AXLE: Oh yeah you do. Hey I have a painting. I'll go get. [Runs out the door. JAKE casts a hasty glance at FERNAND]

JAKE: Um, I think I'll leave now. Tell me what you all decide. [Leaves]

RACHEL: AXLE. Come back. With out the painting. Oh crap. [Everbody stares at her] Um, I think I'll go fix some tea. FERNAND, darling, I'm going to run down to the store and get some "Earl Grey".

FERNAND: You're not going anywhere until you explain this too me. [AXLE retruns with a painting]

AXLE: Here it is. [Shows to FERNAND, back to audiance. FERNAND's eyes widen. He turns to RACHEL]

FERNAND: Why don't we never do things like this?

RACHEL: Traumatic memories.

FERNAND: I understand completely. [To AXLE] And you watched this why?

AXLE: Well, it was an artistic experience.

MARIA: Experience yes. Artistic? I don't think so. [RACHEL is beet red by this point]

FERNAND: Why were you there?

MARIA: He [glares at AXLE] wanted me in the painting too.

FERNAND: You and him I understand. Him and AXLE I understand. But the Toad and my Goddess? I just don't see it.

MARIA: Do you need glasses? It's right in front of you.

FERNAND: No, no. I can see that. But I, uh, do not understand why.

AXLE: Wait. What were you saying before this?


AXLE: No, after that.

FERNAND: The Toad and my Goddesses?

AXLE: Before that!

FERNAND: I already said it!

AXLE: No, no. The part about me and JAKE.

RACHEL (muttering): This'll teach him to call me gay.

MARIA (enthusiastic): AXLE, I never knew! Well, I'm really happy for you. You and JAKE make a great couple.

AXLE: You know you've gotten really bitter since High school.

MARIA: You deal with the memories your way, I'll deal with them my way.

AXLE: What memories.

MARIA: Exactly.

AXLE: O.k. But what do you mean me and JAKE!

FERNAND: Well, I thought it was sort of obvious.