All's Quiet on the Lunatic Fringe
Episode 101: Old Friends ("Pilot")
Created by Emma Berman
Written by Emma Berman and Laurel Black

[Scene: The interior of an apartment. Two guys (AXLE and JAKE) are sitting around the table, eating breakfast. One looks sort of harmless and skinny, the other is obviously buff and studly. There suddenly is the sound of someone (MARIA) falling down a bunch of stairs followed by that same object hitting a wall]

MARIA (os): Owwww.

AXLE: Every morning.

[Scene: Exterior shot of 'The Rush'. Focus in through window to interior. RICHARD and JULIE are talking to HEATHER. RICHARD is behind the counter. There isn't a lot of business yet. MARIA enters and stumbles over to the others where she flops down on one of the chairs. She groans and tilts her head back]

RICHARD: MARIA, what's wrong?

MARIA: Huh? What? Oh. No, no, nothing's wrong. I just didn't get enough sleep last night. What time is it? Oh wait. I have a watch, don't I.

HEATHER (patronizing): Ahh, did we not get to sleep 'till noon? [MARIA makes a mocking face at HEATHER]

MARIA: Funny, Cuddles. I have a massive headache. I don't suppose you have any tylenol here?

JULIE: No, no. We're not giving you drugs.

RICHARD: Hmm. That's interesting.

MARIA: What's interesting, Dick? That your wife won't give me drugs?
RICHARD: No, that you didn't sleep last night. [MARIA looks at him questioningly (raised eyebrows). RICHARD explains] It's just that I know that you could sleep through WW III. [Everybody laughs]

MARIA (sarcastically): Ahh yes, humor. I believe I know this thing. Wait, wait, don't tell me. Humor. Noun. One: The quality that makes something laughable or amusing; funniness. Two-

RICHARD (interrupting): Oh shut up. [Mutters] Stupid English major.

JULIE: We're only joking. But seriously, why didn't you get enough sleep?

MARIA: I had the worst dream. [Everybody focuses on MARIA. Zoom in. Eery music begins to play] So, I'm standing on this hill and I'm the only one out there. And I just stand there and I'm contemplating life and I'm all happy and peaceful and then suddenly I hear this roar that sounds like crashing waves, but I'm on this grey featureless plane, so I know that it couldn't possibly be waves. And I look up.....and I see this black wave coming at me. And I can't move. I mean I seriously can't move. I'm paralyzed. And then they're upon me. Hundreds of thousands of needy......things surrounding me.......clinging to me going [High pitched] 'feed me, feed me' over and over. I thought it would never end. I mean they clung and they screamed and they rent my flesh and they just wouldn't go away. [She pauses. The entire coffee house is silent. It's not awe, it's not suspense, it's more like 'you need help'. RICHARD reaches up and pats MARIA on the head]

RICHARD: When's your next appointment with your psychoanalyst again?

MARIA: Tomorrow.

RICHARD: You might want to see about rescheduling. Sooner.

MARIA: Ha , ha. O.k, so then I wake up and there was JAKE and it just all made sense.

HEATHER (reverence): JAKE was in your bed?


HEATHER: Damn. I was hoping someone could tell me about it. You know, what he's like in the sack.

MARIA: But that wasn't the bad part. It's what happened afterwards.... [Scene goes fuzzy. Go to the interior of MARIA's bedroom. Camera angle is as if from MARIA's perspective. Therefore, everything is black]

Voice: Feed me......feed me.......feed me......feed me.......feed me......
[The view suddenly comes on, like someone opening their eyes. JAKE's face is right in the camera. View shifts to outside of MARIA's body and to the side. MARIA starts back with a frightened expression on her face]

MARIA: Ahhhhh!!!! [She slaps JAKE] Get it away! Get it away! [She jumps out of bed and backs up against the wall] I know how to kill a person with just three- Oh, wait. It's just you.

JAKE (calmly): Did I wake you?

MARIA (sarcastic): No, of course not. I'm never asleep at......[She looks at the clock] three a.m! [said angrily]

JAKE: Well, now that you're up can you fix me a snack?

MARIA: What!

JAKE: I would do it myself but the 'fridge door is pad locked.

MARIA: It's like that for a reason! You guys are costing me a fortune in food! [There is a loud crash in the background]

MARIA: What the hell was that!

JAKE: Hmm. Well now you have another problem.

MARIA: What do you mean?

JAKE: Well, that noise means that AXLE's gotten frustrated with trying to pick
that lock and just blew it up. [MARIA begins to whimper]
[Go back to interior of "The Rush"]

HEATHER: You slapped him?

MARIA: Well, I thought he was some sort of freakish stalker. And then, I realized it was JAKE and I wished that I'd done something a bit more......permanent.

[Scene: Some street. It is pretty much deserted. A beaten up, white van with no back windows is driving along. Through the window we can see JAKE and AXLE. The van hits a really nice red Austin. It stops and JAKE hops out. He looks at the van and at the car. He then looks around and upon seeing no one, hops back into the van and drives away]

[Scene: Apartment, night. MARIA is sitting at the table eating dinner and reading the newspaper. There is a loud bang and JAKE and AXLE enter. MARIA looks up. AXLE has a wet spot on his crotch]

MARIA (joking): Did we have an accident?

AXLE (defensive): That was so not my fault.

JAKE: So what, you're blaming me?

AXLE: You were the one driving.

MARIA: Okay, now what did you do?

AXLE (accusing; pointing): JAKE totaled a really nice sports car!

MARIA (eyes wide): You what!

JAKE: Well you distracted me.

AXLE: It's not my fault that the coffee spilled on Mr. Happy!

MARIA: Mr. Happy?

AXLE: Yeah, Mr. Happy. See, what happenes was....[Start flash back with
continued voice over]

AXLE (VO): We were driving along after we got some cheap coffee, trying to pick up chicks with the JAKE mobile-

[JAKE and AXLE are in the van. AXLE has a Styrofoam cup of coffee in his hand. The van goes over a bump. The coffee flies out of AXLE's hand in slow motion. The top comes off. AXLE's get really wide]

AXLE (slowly): Noooooooo!

[The coffee falls in his lap. AXLE screams. Go back to present]

MARIA: You didn't use my credit card again, did you?

AXLE: For what?

MARIA: To fix Mr.- Never mind. Go on with your story.

[Resume flashback exactly where we left off]

AXLE (high pitched): Ahhhhhhh!!!

JAKE: Are you dying? Did the seat drop out? Did the door fall off again? [He looks over. The van swerves]

AXLE: Hooooottttt.......

JAKE: Oh get over it, you only spilled your coffee. I thought it was something life-threatening.

AXLE: Paaainnnn. Mr. Happy isn't happy anymore! [JAKE looks back at the road]

JAKE: Ahhhh! [There is a crunching sound. JAKE immediately stops and they both jump out. Cut to outside view, profile shot of AXLE and JAKE staring at an Austin hood ornament that AXLE is holding. Faces and shoulders framing shot]

AXLE: Dude. You just totalled an Austin. [End flashback abruptly]

MARIA: You totalled an Austin? Those things are practically one of a kind! I mean the British made them and they work!

JAKE: I wouldn't say totalled, necessarily. It just won't run anytime soon.

AXLE: Hmm, gee, maybe that would be because most of its parts were scattered over the street and what was intact looked like it went though a hay baler!

JAKE: They did not look like they went through a hay baler. A cotton gin, maybe, but not a hay baler.

MARIA: Did anybody get hurt? You didn't kill anybody, did you?

JAKE: There wasn't anybody around.

MARIA: Oh that's a relief. Wait a minute, with you that means- Ahhhh! Hit and run charges! Hit and run charges!

JAKE: Relax. Like I said, nobody was around. Nobody has to know.

MARIA: Expect for the owner of the Austin!

JAKE: You know, I wonder if that was Austin Powers-ss-ss [repeats 's' in confusion] car.

AXLE: Dude, you totalled the shag mobile?

MARIA: Austin Powers was a made up character!

AXLE (British voice): Did he make you horny? Just a little bit randy? Like me?

MARIA: No, no, and not in this lifetime bud.

JAKE: I'm hungry.
AXLE: Yeah, that's why we came in here originally. Can you fix us a between-between meal snack?
MARIA: Get out! [Throws her newspaper at them, they run out of the apartment and close the door. MARIA looks up towards the ceiling] Why me God? Haven't I been faithful? Why must you torment me so?

[Scene: The Rush. Afternoon. The next day. JULIE and HEATHER are the only people in there. MARIA enters]

MARIA: Men are idiots. Correction. JAKE and AXLE are idiots.

HEATHER: Both of those statements have been confirmed. [Her hand inches towards a plate of donuts]

JULIE: Nu, uh, uh, uh. Those are for paying customers. [She slaps HEATHER's hand away] What'd they do this time?

MARIA: JAKE totalled an Austin.

HEATHER: How's that possible? I thought he was a made up character.

JULIE: No, no. She means the Shag Mobile.

HEATHER: Ahh. And does that make you horny? Hmmm? Just a bit randy?

MARIA: I really loathe that expression.

JULIE: Ahh, poor baby. [MARIA looks around]

MARIA: How is it that you can live when you have no customers?

JULIE: There's customers when you're not around.

MARIA: And that happens what? Once in a blue moon? [HEATHER reaches out
and grabs a powdered donut. She stuffs it in her mouth. JULIE turns and catches her]

JULIE: Hey! You're paying for that donut.

HEATHER (muffled): Donut? What donut? [She's spewing powdered sugar everywhere]

MARIA: Ahh! Geez, say it, don't spray it! [She wipes some of the sugar off of her clothing in disgust]

JULIE (angry): The one in your hand. I mean mouth. I mean the one that's all over my counter now.

HEATHER: Ohh. That donut. Now had did that get there.

JULIE: C'mon. Cough it up. [HEATHER opens mouth and begins to make motions like she's hacking something up] No, no, no. The cash, not the donut. I only take returns in saleable conditions.

HEATHER: Fine. [Turns to MARIA] Can I have five bucks?

MARIA: Five bucks! For a donut? [To JULIE] Never mind. I see how you make your living.

HEATHER: Well, see, I was planning on using the change for the other donuts.

[JAKE enters, agitated]

JAKE (anxious): Has anybody seen my van.

MARIA: Yeah, I saw somebody towing it this morning.

JAKE: This is no time for jokes, where is it.

MARIA: At the impound lot, I would assume.

JAKE: It is a joke, right?

MARIA: Well, I was eating breakfast and I looked out the window, and I saw this red sports car - well first I saw this pigeon with an arrow in it plummet to the ground and heard somebody screaming 'You're smaller than I am! I'm higher up on the food chain then you are! Get in my belly!' in a really bad scottish accent and I was worried for a moment, but then I realized that it was AXLE and this was normal- and this woman got out, and she looked at your van -well actually examined is a better word because she went over everything, like five times, and went back to her car and took pictures and paint samples and she even measured the dent in your fender- and pulled out her cell phone and called somebody and had this big argument, then the tow truck arrived and she directed it to your van, and she hopped into her car and speed off, and now I'm so tired from this sentence that I might just go to bed right here, but instead I'll just have the number two special.

JAKE: Wait, that was one sentence, wasn't it. Damn it, you're a journalism major. You're supposed to recognize run ons and avoid them.

MARIA: Yeah, but that's when I write. When I talk all bets are off.

JAKE: I noticed. But you didn't tell me?

MARIA: Must have slipped my mind. [AXLE runs in]

AXLE (agitated): Has anybody seen my pigeon?

HEATHER: That's a new one.

AXLE: Huh?

HEATHER: A euphemism for your bits and pieces.

AXLE: A euphe-whatzit for don't get it.

JAKE: You don't get a lot of stuff.

AXLE: Yeah, like chicks, and dates, and satisfaction for Mr. Happy from a source other than Mr. Hand and his five happy helpers, and a use for the love nest, and-

MARIA: AXLE, stop. We don't need to know any more. You know, you take the one track mind to the extreme.

HEATHER: See, I meant you have another name for Mr. Happy.

AXLE: Oh. Pigeon. I get it now. But that's not what I meant. I meant have you actually seen a live pigeon- well actually it would be a dead pigeon, wouldn't it- I mean a flesh and blood pigeon.

MARIA: Yeah actually, I have. I saw it when JAKE's van got towed away. It landed somewhere in that general direction. [She waves her hand vaguely]

AXLE: Thanks. Oh, hey, that reminds me. You got a phone call, JAKE. It was from this lady who was calling about you running over her car and her holding your van hostage. And she won't go out with me. I already asked.

JAKE: Did she leave a phone number?

AXLE: Yeah, but I didn't write it down. I mean what's the point when she won't go out with me.

JAKE: AXLE, two seconds. Two seconds to redeem yourself.

AXLE: Well, it started with a five, I think. Or was that a two? I get those two confused.

JAKE: You think! [He steps forward with a 'kill' look in his eyes, and his hands look like they're about to wring AXLE's neck]

JULIE: I think that we won't be seeing JAKE's van for a long time.

AXLE: Whoa, geez, calm down. I think I'm going to leave now and get my pigeon and-

HEATHER: Wait, what do you need that pigeon for anyway?

AXLE: Well, I'm going to use the feathers and bones to make something to pay the rent with, and I'm going to use the meat for the blue plate special. [MARIA goes pale]

MARIA: Excuse me. [She rushes off and retching sounds can be heard from off stage. She returns wiping her mouth with the back of her hand] Okay, I'm better now. [She looks at her watch] Listen, I've got to go to the Convention Center. JULIE, can I use your phone? I need to call a taxi.

AXLE: Why?

MARIA: Well.....If I had a car, and a license, then maybe  I could drive to the Convention Center. If I knew how to drive

AXLE: Why does that name sound so familiar........Wait......wait......It's coming back to me.......Got it! [Snaps his fingers and points at MARIA] There's an art show there tonight, isn't there?

MARIA: Yeah, that's why I need to go. I'm interviewing the artist. For my job. The thing that provides money for free loaders like you.

AXLE: Cool. So, can you, like, get me in free?

MARIA: I suppose so.

AXLE: Is the artist a babe?

MARIA: How the hell should I know? I don't even know their name! Hell, I don't even know if it's a male or a female.

HEATHER: Can I go?

MARIA: What about your [Long pause as she fumbles for the appropriate word] Chris?

JAKE: What the hell? I lose my van and you want to go to an art show?

MARIA: Well, I can get you in too.

JAKE: O.k.....No! I don't want to go to an art show!

AXLE: JAKE, it's free. And the artist might be a babe. How can you argue with that?

JAKE: The artist might be male.

AXLE: Yes, but there's a fifty-two percent chance that the it's female. Therefore, there's a sixty-five percent chance that the artist is a babe.

JAKE: Your logic is really screwy.

AXLE: Why thank you. I think that's a compliment.

JAKE: You, thinking? Oxymoron!

JULIE: Actually, that's just a moron.

JAKE: I thought that went without saying. Anyway, you lost my van. Your boat is sinking right now.

AXLE: Well......I'll buy you lunch.

JAKE: O.k.

AXLE: Hey, MARIA, can you lend me twenty bucks?

MARIA: What!

AXLE: Well, I don't have any money.

MARIA: Fine. Fine.

[She gives him money and they exit]

JULIE: What was this about a boat? Was that another euphemism.

[Scene: The exterior of the Convention Center. A taxi stops and MARIA, JAKE and AXLE get out. MARIA pays the driver. Focus in on the small group. They are stopped by the door man (DorMan)]

DorMan: Hold it. Where's your tickets.

MARIA: I'm with the press and these are my guests.

DorMan: Uh huh. And I'm supposed to believe you?

MARIA: Look, I'm MARIA Falkner.......I work at the "Seattle Times"......You know, I write the column "In the Spotlight"? The one that interviews all those celebrities? And then has information about why they're here? You're not from around here, are you.

DorMan: I don't read the "Times".

AXLE: Look, she's the one who spends most of her time in the hospital.

MARIA: Thank you so much for bringing that up.

DorMan: Oh, hey. I know you. You can go on in. They can't.

MARIA: Oh come on. My pass says that two guests are allowed.

DorMan: I don't think so. They shouldn't be allowed in before the exhibit opens. Although, I could be convinced to look the other way if somebody happened to give me enough incentive.......

MARIA: What the hell? Do I have to bribe you?

DorMan: No, no. I'm not saying that. It's just that two twenties would really make your name on the list seem far more appropriate.

MARIA: I can't convince you otherwise?

DorMan: No.

MARIA: Fine. [She takes out her wallet and gives the guy two twenties] There. Are you happy?

DorMan: All right. You may enter.

[He opens the door and ushers the three in. Go to interior of building. MARIA and the others enter. There are paintings everywhere, most of which are on the ground, although there are a few on the walls. We see a woman (RACHEL) in the background looking critically at some of the paintings hanging on one of the walls. Most of them are covered with cloth. There are also a couple statues]

MARIA: O.k, I just want you to remember that you guys are here before the actual show, so don't, touch anything. Got it? [She glares at the guys] I mean you especially, AXLE.

AXLE: Don't worry. I won't.

MARIA: All right. I'm going to be right over there. [She points toward RACHEL] Remember, I can see you.

AXLE: Got it. [MARIA moves off. AXLE heads over towards some of paintings, followed by JAKE]

JAKE: Remind me again why I'm here?

AXLE: 'Cause it's free, and I'm buying you lunch. Now help me with this sheet. [He grabs the corner of a sheet and pulls. JAKE sighs and grabs the other corner. They both pull the sheet and it comes off. There is a large canvas with a painting of a throng of abstracted nude people (read: forms, shapes, not really human) fighting off a giant chicken]

JAKE & AXLE: Whoa. [Pause as both guys stare at the painting]

JAKE (confused): What's it of?

AXLE: It's a metaphor. [The woman comes up behind them. They do not see her] You see, the chicken is like our inner fears, the stuff we always have to fight. Only by banding together can we conquer them.

RACHEL (startling them): You know, you're the first person who got it right.

AXLE: Really? Cool.

RACHEL: Hi, I'm RACHEL Harzen. [They look at her blankly] The artist.

AXLE (whispering to JAKE): See, the artist is a babe. Is my boat floating yet?

JAKE: How the hell should I know.

AXLE: Well, isn't it your system?

JAKE: Oh. That. I thought you meant the little Admiral was at attention.

AXLE: Dude, there's just somethings you don't share with other guys. And if you're intelligent, you don't share with females until she can figure it out herself.

JAKE: Exactly.

RACHEL: Excuse me. Are allowed to be in here? Are you on the list? Do I have to call security?

AXLE: Are any of them female? 'Cause they can strip search me anytime!

JAKE: Remind me to tell MARIA about this. She owes me twenty bucks now.

AXLE: I don't get it.

JAKE: Like I said, you don't get a lot of stuff.

AXLE: If I get strip searched, does that count as action?

RACHEL (disgusted): That's it. I'm calling security.

AXLE: No wait, wait! We're with her! [Points to MARIA]

MARIA (os): Only in your dreams and my nightmares.

RACHEL (VO thought): Oh my God, it's high school all over again. Do they ever change?

AXLE (to JAKE): What's she talking about? [JAKE leans over and whispers something to him] Oh! [To MARIA] I didn't mean it like that. Unless you want me to mean it like that. But we can mean it like that later! [A note book comes flying out from off screen and hits him] That's okay, I can take a rain check.

RACHEL: Seeing as how you're both so occupied, I'll just go over to that corner and writhe naked on the floor, and in the process assume many suggestive positions. [She leaves]

AXLE: Of all the times not to have my camcorder. Is the boat floating now?

JAKE: Well, which context do you mean it in. On second thought, it doesn't matter.

AXLE: Should I be asking what the answer is?

JAKE (sigh): AXLE, think for a minute. Never mind, too hard. Let's put it this way. If the answer was no, I'd be worried about your sexuality. [Points off screen] See, that's my bag.

RACHEL (o.s): I'm not even doing anything you horny prick! I'm just standing here!

AXLE: Oh. [Pause] Wait a minute. Ewww!

JAKE: Never mind. Just get your camera, AXLE. She might start taking her clothes off soon. [RACHEL walks back on screen, adjusting her clothing]
RACHEL: Not in this life time bud. So you're the photographer. So you're supposed to be here. I always knew there was something wrong with photographers. Must be from all those fumes they inhale while developing.

AXLE: But I'm not the photographer. I just carry a camera around anyway. See, I'm a bit of an artist too, you know.

RACHEL: Really? I think I might know you. You're the guy who called setting fire to the gates of the prestigious university he went to art. AXLE Cobb, right?

AXLE: You've heard about that?

RACHEL: Everybody's heard about that.

AXLE: But aren't you from another country?


AXLE: All right! [To JAKE] See, I told you that I wasn't one of those undiscovered starving artist types. She's heard of my 'Gates to Hell' masterpiece.

JAKE: Yeah, well, as long as you know MARIA you'll never be a starving artist. Undiscovered, yes. Starving, nuh uh.

RACHEL: Wait, I think I know you too. You were Mr. October. JAKE......JAKE Fisher.

JAKE: You know, October is a great time for JAKE-lovin'. It's October now, isn't it.

AXLE: No it's not. [RACHEL shakes her head]

RACHEL: Same old horny JAKE. [JAKE looks at her in confusion]

JAKE: Wait, have we....met someplace?

RACHEL: Uh, hello. We went to the prom together. I made you wear that duct tape tux.......MARIA and AXLE crashed the party.....You kept complaining about them taking pictures......As a result of them you didn't get any action that night......You taught me how to smash beer cans on my forehead.......Does any of this sound familiar? I can see by your blank expression that it doesn't.

JAKE: RACHEL? No, it can't be you. You're too sexy to be-[RACHEL smacks JAKE] O.k. You're her. You're the RACHEL I remember. [Pause] So, does this mean that you'll take your clothes off for anybody.

RACHEL: Well, it's nothing the two of you haven't seen already.

JAKE (to AXLE): Hey! That's my girlfriend.

AXLE: Was, buddy, was. Ooh, ooh, MARIA will be so happy to see you! Hey
MARIA! [Waves MARIA over]

JAKE: Every time you say that my neck goes all prickly.

MARIA: What do you want now AXLE.

RACHEL: MARIA! [She runs toward MARIA]

MARIA: Ahhhh! It's high school all over again!!

[RACHEL jumps into MARIA's arms. MARIA falls over]

MARIA: Ahhh. The pain. [JAKE and AXLE run over and pull RACHEL off of MARIA]

JAKE: RACHEL! Are you all right? [JAKE looks RACHEL over and makes sure that she is all right. AXLE sighs and helps MARIA up. MARIA looks RACHEL up and down]

MARIA: Damn it, you're taller than me! Why is it that everybody is taller than me. Am I cursed to be short forever? [She looks up while crying this] I hate my life! I'm surrounded by tall people!

[Everybody crowds around MARIA and begin to sing "Short people got no reason to live"]

MARIA: Hah! But I'll live longer than all of you! I'm younger than all of you! And short people have slower metabolism! It's been proven that we live longer!

JAKE: Not as long as you live next to AXLE.

MARIA: Point well taken.

RACHEL: Hey, he never took you hostage.

MARIA: Yeah, but he's never broken most of the bones in your body. At least twice.

RACHEL: Point also well taken. [Looks at her watch] Crap. I have to go. I have to scrub the paint off of myself.

MARIA: Oh I don't know. I think it adds rather nicely to the whole wayward artist bit.

RACHEL: Yeah, but I kicked that habit four years ago. Look, I really have to go. Here. [Hands MARIA three tickets] Come see the show; be amazed by all the famous people I know; feel completely out of place; the usually. Then afterwards we can go hangout, you know, catch up. [RACHEL leaves]

AXLE: All right! Free tickets!

MARIA (unenthused): Great. We get to spend an evening at an Art show.

[Scene: That night, after the show. MARIA's apartment. The door opens and MARIA, JAKE, AXLE and RACHEL enter. She hangs up her coat. The guys sit down at the table and MARIA goes into the kitchen. RACHEL joins the guys]
MARIA: I need a drink. Anybody else want one? [JAKE and AXLE raise their hands. MARIA takes out three wine glasses and a bottle of wine. She pours three glasses and hands one to JAKE and AXLE before sitting down at the table with her own wine glass]

JAKE: Yesh. I never knew that going to an art show could be so......

MARIA: Boring?

JAKE: Well, I was going for exhausting, but your word works.

AXLE: I don't know. I thought that it was particularly stimulating.

MARIA: You would.

AXLE: A spot of bubbly if you will.

JAKE: I'll have a tangere and tonic.

MARIA: But you don't even like gin.

JAKE (to MARIA): Shhh. I'm trying to sound European.

RACHEL: How much alcohol do you have? [MARIA shrugs] Well just mix it all, half
and half with Mountain Dew on the rocks, throw in some cucumber slices, garnish with a frozen curly orange peel, a few drops of green food coloring and some pearl dust.

MARIA: In other words, the usual.

RACHEL: Hey! You remember!

MARIA: It's really hard to forget your first stomach pump.

RACHEL: Well, just because you can't handle that.

AXLE & JAKE: Never mind, I want what she's having.

MARIA: No, you're not getting drunk in my apartment. I don't want to be responsible for a liver transplant later on in life.

JAKE: Fine, we'll go into our apartment. [Puts arm around RACHEL and grins] We have a hot tub Babe.

RACHEL: Really? Wait, never mind. Get off. [She pushes JAKE's arm off] Incidently, where is your hot tub? How'd you fit a hot tub in the apartment anyway?

AXLE: Well, we had some room in the kitchen.....

RACHEL: So how do you cook?

JAKE: Well, we make a lot of soup. [AXLE then points to MARIA]

AXLE: That's also another reason why we spend a lot of time with her.

MARIA: Dear God above! I'm never eating anything you cook again. [RACHEL has been looking around the apartment]

RACHEL: So who did you kill to get this place? And why don't you have any overhead lights?

MARIA: O.k, I didn't kill anybody. I don't know what AXLE did, but as far as I know, I'm clean. As for the lights......Well, you remember that, uh, thing I had in high school?

RACHEL: Oh right, that sensitivity to most light bit. That was pretty cool. You actually managed to convince people that you were a vampire. I especially liked your fake teeth that you used for your id picture.

MARIA: Yeah, well, it's still there.

RACHEL: What, the teeth? [Opens MARIA's mouth and peers in. MARIA smacks her away]

MARIA: No not the teeth, you numbskull, the eye condition.

AXLE: Hey, I thought I was the numbskull!

MARIA: No you're the hornball, [Thinks for awhile] and the numbskull.

AXLE: Oh, all right.

JAKE: Moving right along, she still has all those candles and candle holders,

AXLE: Yeah, we're all afraid that MARIA's going to burn us all down someday.

MARIA: I am not!

AXLE: Sure you're not. After all, you only burnt down part of our college.

MARIA (to RACHEL): So, what have you been up to lately?

RACHEL: No, no, wait, I want to hear about this. You burnt down part of a school?

AXLE: See, the way it happened was-

MARIA (interrupting): Black book, AXLE. Black. Book.

AXLE: O.k, I'm shutting up now.

RACHEL: Hey! [She glares at the guys who look away and at MARIA who looks smug before sighing] Fine, fine. I'll tell you what I've been up to. Lets see......After high school I went to art school for two years, before I left because of......"creative" differences. [Flash back of RACHEL scrubbing a giant free form statue with a tooth brush. Back to present] After that I went backpacking around Europe for three years before getting discovered by this french artist named Fernand Chaveau. I spent one year being renowned in Europe before coming back here. [Pause] Oh, and I changed my name to Spider.

MARIA: Why Spi-[she shivers]-der?

RACHEL: Why not? It's better than Avoloquita.

JAKE & AXLE: True.

MARIA: Yeah, it's better, but not by much.

RACHEL: I like Spider. [MARIA shivers] Why do you keep doing that when
someone says "Spider"? [MARIA shivers again]

MARIA: Do what?

RACHEL: Shiver.

MARIA: I'm not shivering.

RACHEL: Uh huh. So, are you guys going to call me "Spider" or- [MARIA shivers]
You're doing it again! Would you stop already!

AXLE: Intense arachniphobia. You should see what she does if she sees a spider. [MARIA shivers]

MARIA: And it's all your fault.

AXLE: Hey, I was trying to cure your fear.

MARIA: There are professionals who do that sort of thing. They don't fill your entire room with spiders and lock the door.

RACHEL: Okay. But you're still going to have to call me Spider. [MARIA shivers]

MARIA: Well, unless you want me to twitch every time I call for you, I suggest you rethink this decision. Besides, I know "RACHEL Harzen" better than "Spi-[shiver]-der".

RACHEL: Yes, but nobody else knows me as 'RACHEL Harzen'. They all know me as- [she stops as if having a sudden realization or remembering something] Never mind. 'RACHEL' is perfectly O.k. After all, that's the name that I met you all with, so I think that we should stay with what's familiar.

JAKE: But "Spider" is such a cool name! [Note: Every time someone mentions "Spider", MARIA shivers. This is to happen either when the word is being said]

RACHEL: No, no, I want you to call me 'RACHEL'.

AXLE: But, but, but.....You never wanted to be called 'RACHEL' in high-school! I mean think of all the names you came up with for us to call you!

JAKE: Yeah, You wanted us to call you [Thinks, then ticks the names off on his fingers] 'Rocky', 'Natesha', 'Yoda', 'Yogi', 'Princess Leia', 'Jungle Queen', 'Queen Amidalia', 'Jarjar Binks' and 'Pez'.

AXLE: 'Pez' [He chuckles]

JAKE: I don't know, I kind of liked 'Yoda' better.

AXLE: Pez.

JAKE: Yoda.

AXLE: Pez!

JAKE: Yoda!

AXLE: Pez!!

JAKE: Yoda!!

AXLE: Look, she's gotten taller. We can't exactly call her 'Yoda' anymore.

RACHEL: Yes!!! [Sing-song] I'm not short anymore! I'm not short anymore! I'm not short anymore!

JAKE: I don't know. I think that she still looks a lot like a nine hundred year old, wrinkled, little, green, muppet.

AXLE: Okay, you're right about that part.

RACHEL (Still sing-song): I'm not- What!!! [She glares at the guys]

AXLE: What, you do, sort of. I mean it in a good way, of course.

RACHEL: All right, I'll make you a deal. If you'll call me 'RACHEL', then I won't hurt you.

AXLE: Well, how about if you make me dinner instead?

RACHEL: Done! [They shake hands]

JAKE: I don't know.......

RACHEL: What! What do I have to do to make you forget that I was ever called 'Spider'?

JAKE: Think of something and tell me what it is, and I'll tell you whether or not I'll agree to it. [RACHEL thinks. Suddenly she looks up and snaps her fingers]

RACHEL: Got it! What if I give you back your car and don't make you pay me back for the damage done to my sports car?

JAKE: I don't know, how much exactly was the sports car?

RACHEL: More than you could ever hope to borrow from MARIA.

JAKE (enthusiastically): Deal! [He quickly shakes hands] MARIA, you're our witness.

MARIA: O.k. [She shrugs]

JAKE: So, where exactly is my van?

RACHEL: In the impound lot. Don't worry, they won't do anything to it for a

JAKE: Great. [He seems less enthusiastic]

RACHEL: So, you're never going to call me 'Spider' in public? Or when we're alone? [JAKE and AXLE nod]

AXLE (suggestively): How alone?

RACHEL: If I wasn't so tired I'd throw something at you.

AXLE: Sure......Leia. [He chuckles. RACHEL glares at him]

RACHEL: Hah, hah.

MARIA: So, what exactly do you plan to do now? [RACHEL laughs]

RACHEL: Me? Have plans? [She laughs again] Come on, MARIA, you know me better than that! I'm going to be doing absolutely nothing after the art show.

MARIA: Oh. Right. You never had a plan. Even when you were attempting to cut a class.

RACHEL: What do you mean attempting? As I recall, I got out of school more often than you.

MARIA: Hey, I cut classes too.

RACHEL: Yeah, but that was only when he [she points at AXLE] took you hostage and you couldn't get back into school.

MARIA: Well, that's because, unlike the rest of you, I actually liked school.

AXLE: God, you were such a freak back then.

RACHEL: And she's not now?

MARIA: Look, at least I didn't kidnap people, or show up to school in full renaissance garb, saying verily or forsooth. Besides, going to college with AXLE certainly didn't help any. My therapist has taught me that nothing is my fault.

AXLE: Hey, I thought you liked going to college with me.

MARIA: It was fine until you used my room to make out with your girlfriend.

AXLE: You had the bigger bed.

JAKE: Wait, that doesn't make sense.

AXLE: What? The dorm mother actually liked her! Besides, it wasn't like she was using it.

RACHEL: That was low AXLE. But amusing.

AXLE: Thank you. I try.

JAKE: Not that part. The other part. The girlfriend.

MARIA: He was the first male she'd seen in a while. It actually lasted more than two weeks.

JAKE: Whoa.

MARIA: But that was because it took that long for him to get served with her restraining order.

JAKE: Ahh. So, RACHEL, [he scoots closer] are you going back to Ireland?

RACHEL: No. [She scoots away] It's probably best not to go back to Ireland for at least two years....

JAKE: So, you going to go live with your folks for awhile?

RACHEL: God no. That'd just bring back horrible memories of high school. [She shudders]

JAKE: I liked high school.

RACHEL: You had friends, a car, and a job. I was the outcast.

JAKE: Don't worry, life's better now.

RACHEL: Well, I kind of need a home now.

JAKE (to MARIA): Hey MARIA, can we keep her? [Puts arm around RACHEL]


RACHEL: Aww come on! And get off me.

MARIA: But you're not an object!

RACHEL: You know what he means.

MARIA: Yeah, I do. [To JAKE] Do you even remember what happened to your

AXLE: At least his intent in getting the cat wasn't to have wild, passionate
sex every night, and sometimes right after lunch.

MARIA: And I should be letting you keep RACHEL, why?

RACHEL: Because I don't have a place to stay?

MARIA: Neither did the cat!

JAKE: Will you let the poor thing rest in peace?

MARIA: Shouldn't that be in pieces?

RACHEL: All I'm asking for is a nice warm bed and a roof over my head.

AXLE & JAKE: I have a bed and I can warm it up for you.

JAKE: No you don't, you have a 'love nest'.

RACHEL: Rwwwooollll. Feisty.

AXLE: You're just jealous.

JAKE: My bed gets 'used'.

AXLE (defensive): I use my bed.

JAKE: Yeah, as a fort. But I mean, my bed gets more action than you do. [To
RACHEL] If it's a warm bed you want, I can guarantee that ours will be warm by morning. Grrroowwl

RACHEL: The things I do to get a place to sleep.

AXLE: You've done worse? Do tell.

MARIA: No, don't. Virgin ears.

AXLE: Couldn't that just be shortened to virgin?

MARIA: But I don't like that classification.

AXLE: You're welcome in my love-nest anytime you want to change it.

RACHEL: Do you ever let up?


RACHEL: JAKE-lovin', MARIA-lovin'. Hey roomie! [To MARIA]

JAKE: You mean, you'd rather sleep with her than me?

RACHEL: She doesn't cook food in a hot tub.

JAKE: I'll have you know that only AXLE does that.

AXLE: Yeah, but that's cause you don't cook.

JAKE: I would but that's, you know, feminine.

AXLE (opens mouth, then pauses): Hey, what're you senuating.

JAKE: Exactly what you think I am. I make midnight drug store runs for chocolate!

RACHEL: But I'd have to sleep with you to get chocolate, so how about no.

[The guys exit, follow them out into the hall]

JAKE: Damn it, I knew she was gay.

AXLE: Maybe she's just.....celibate.

[JAKE laughs so hard he falls over]

JAKE: That's a good one. Hardon Harzen celibate. I'll have to remember that. But seriously, why do you think she's sleeping with MARIA?

AXLE: Because she doesn't trust us?

JAKE: Now why wouldn't she trust us? [AXLE shrugs. They enter their apartment]

[Scene: MARIA's apartment. RACHEL is looking around. She yawns]

RACHEL: Man, schmoozing with celebrities make me sleepy.

MARIA: AXLE and JAKE aren't celebrities. Unless you're talking to the police.
And then you follow my lead and say you don't know them.

RACHEL: I meant the art show.

MARIA: Uh, RACHEL, as much as I consider you a good friend and all, you proably shouldn't stay with me. I don't have an extra bed and the couch is always lumpy for some reason.

RACHEL: That's okay. We can share a bed. You're a quiet sleeper, right?

MARIA: I snore, kick, and mumble in my sleep. And I apparently I have really
lucid conversations while still asleep.

RACHEL: Coach it is, then. Lumps are definately prefered over bruises.

MARIA: As JAKE and AXLE will tell you, the coach is off limits.

RACHEL: Okay, floor it is then. Can I have a blanket?

MARIA: JAKE and AXLE will also tell you that the blankets are off limit.

RACHEL: Do I get a pillow at least?

MARIA: Uhhhh, not any of the nice ones.

RACHEL: What are the not nice ones like?

MARIA: We're not really sure. We think it's the cat's last gift to us.

RACHEL: Ewww. Are there any other pillows?

MARIA: There's the science experiment from college that we think might have
been a pillow at one point.

RACHEL: Riight. I'm going to step outside and get my suitcase. Don't wait up. [Exits]

MARIA: Don't you want know what happened to the spare bed?

[Scene: Guys apartment. They're watching television. RACHEL enters]

RACHEL: Looks like I'm sleeping with you guys.

AXLE & JAKE: There is a god! [They look at each other]

AXLE: I smell- Eww. I can't even finish. The imagery's just too wrong.

JAKE: Well, what about in succession?

AXLE: Firsties.

RACHEL: Firsties? What, are you in, first grade?

AXLE: Ahh! You mean college was all just a dream? I have to do it all over
again? Noooo!

RACHEL: Riiight. That's great AXLE. [VO] Note to self. Self, remember this.
Potential for future abuse. Knowledge is power. Knowledge of room mates is double power. Knowledge of room mates worst fears is super power bomb.

JAKE: So? Ready for some JAKE-lovin'? [JAKE grins. RACHEL looks at both of them]

RACHEL: Lets do the chocolate first.

[Scene: The interior of "The Rush". We see MARIA, RACHEL, AXLE, HEATHER and JULIE sitting on the chairs and sofas. RICHARD is behind the counter. JAKE and RACHEL enter, looking very tired. AXLE leers at them]

AXLE: So, from what I heard both of you had a good night.

RACHEL: Must have caffeine.

JULIE: On the house. [Hands over a large mug]

JAKE: Hey, where's mine?

JULIE: Only the first one's free.

JAKE: Damnit. [Checks his pockets] Can I lick your bowl when you're done?

MARIA: That sounds wrong.

AXLE: You should have been where I was last night.

JAKE: AXLE, do you remember our talk about voyeurism and how it doesn't
compare to the real thing?

MARIA: Did either of you have any sleep at all last night?

RACHEL: Well, I got some sleep after I knocked him out with my shoe and chained him to the door.

AXLE: JAKE! You never told me you were into that sort of stuff.

JAKE: I'm not. That's not my bag baby.

AXLE: I don't know, judging from those screams of pleasure last night.

RACHEL: Actually, that was me-

AXLE: All right, JAKE, way to score.

RACHEL: When I was beating him senseless.

AXLE (nervous): Umm, uhh...[Turns to JAKE] I feel your pain.

JAKE (glaring): You will in a minute.

RACHEL: Anything else that I should know about? You know, information that
might prove useful if I'm ever alone with them?

MARIA: Um, no, not unless you count me and AXLE blowing up the school.

RACHEL: You what?

AXLE: Whoa, what's with all this we stuff? As far as I recall, you were the one responsible for the destruction of our school.

MARIA: You were the one who told me to mix those two chemicals!

AXLE: I assumed you knew that they were volatile.

MARIA: Never assume anything with me. It always leads to very bad situations.
Besides, how was I supposed to know that we were making rocket fuel.
[Everybody stares at AXLE]

AXLE: What? It was for extra credit! [The others roll their eyes and RICHARD turns to RACHEL]

RICHARD: So you're living with JAKE and AXLE now. [RACHEL shakes her head violently]

RACHEL: Not after last night. From now on I'm staying with MARIA. Even if I have to buy a sleeping bag. [RICHARD turns to JULIE]

RICHARD: See, I told you she was gay.

AXLE (to JAKE): Hah! That's twenty bucks you owe me!

JULIE: RICHARD! You're not supposed to say things like that to their faces!

RACHEL: What! Whatever made you think something like that? I'm not gay.

JAKE: Hah, that's twenty bucks you owe me.

AXLE: Shut up, she hasn't proven anything yet.

MARIA: Well, you and Kimmie always had this sort of....."special" relationship.

HEATHER (confused): We do? And don't call me that.

JULIE: But it's so cute.

HEATHER: Exactly.

MARIA: I mean, you don't have a whole lot to gainsay your gayness. You're obsessed with women's issues, there was that whole thing with you and HEATHER-

HEATHER: Ooh, when was this.

RACHEL (aside): I'm not sure. I don't even know if we're all talking about the same event.

MARIA: There was that whole photo shoot that AXLE did.

AXLE: One of the highlights of my life I might add. Six women in a hot tub.
Ahhh. All those legs. All those breasts

RACHEL: You thought I was gay from all this?

MARIA: Well, any straight person wouldn't have agreed to do it. I mean it was AXLE.

RACHEL: He paid me. Quite handsomely I might add.

MARIA: You had a lot of female friends.

RACHEL: Just because some of use don't relating to our own gender, is no
reason to think they're gay.

MARIA: Sure there isn't. Anyway, you didn't sleep with JAKE the first time you met him.

RACHEL: Well, excuse me if some of us have pride. Besides, neither did you.

MARIA: Technically I did, I mean we shared the same bed.

RACHEL: But you were five! That's disgusting! [Turns to JAKE] Jesus JAKE, how
could you. I didn't even know that the equipment worked that early.

AXLE: Actually it works from day one.

JAKE: We shared a bed? Eww.

MARIA: Exactly . It's one of my more traumatizing memories. You hang with that weird artist crowd, and you have all those naked pictures of the Earth Mother.

AXLE: You do?

RACHEL: It's part of my religion!

RICHARD: Well you also have this......quality about you.

RACHEL: What! MARIA was involved in that photo shoot too! Why don't you think
that she's gay!

RICHARD: Well, MARIA just doesn't have that.....quality about her. And she
didn't flirt with girls.

RACHEL: I never flirted with girls! How can you even think that! I was the one who had boyfriends in high school! Me! [Jabs her chest. Rubs the area where she jabbed it] Ow.

MARIA: So? You wore burkenstocks.

RACHEL (shouting): Do you know how many pairs of uncomfortable shoes I
owned? Oh yeah! I'm a raging lesbian, all right!

MARIA: Gee, I only had two pairs of shoes. I think I still have the dress shoes

RACHEL (sighs): Did you ever wear a pair of uncomfortable shoes? Noooo! And yet everybody thinks I'm gay!

AXLE: You know, I always thought you were a lesbian. I just never said anything. I mean, people usually don't sign team rosters until at least college. I figured I could, like, get some. Before you figured it out, I mean. [Everybody looks confused]

RACHEL: What? Even when I was going out with JAKE? [AXLE nods]

AXLE: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I've always been supportive of gay people. I mean, both my parents are bi, so I've never had any real problems with it.

RACHEL: But I'm not gay! [She turns to JAKE] Your my last hope. What about you?

JAKE: Well, I thought about it, and then we went out and I was thinking about
other things, but then we broke up and I thought about it again.

AXLE: Face it RACHEL, you're a raging lesbian.

RACHEL: Raging lesbian, huh? I'll give you a raging lesbian! [She moves over to JAKE and sits on his lap and passionately kisses him for a good amount of time. When she stops, JAKE looks very dazed and yet extraordinarily happy] There! Would a lesbian have that sort of effect?

JAKE: I'm convinced. [AXLE looks at JAKE and then at RACHEL]

AXLE (enthusiastically): I'm not!

End. Note that during this last scene, the credits are rolling.