All's Quiet On the Lunatic Fringe
Episode 105: Photos
Created by Emma Berman
Written by Emma Berman and Laurel Black
[Scene: Guys apartment. Axle is sitting in the hot tub. Maria is sitting at the pool table eating a hamburger with fries that looks professionally done, with a chocolate shake. The others are watching something on the guys entertainment system]
Axle: You know, I have some great memories of this hot tub. [Wavy lines to indicate flash back. Sign under the scene, 'Ten minutes ago'. Axle is sitting in the hot tub. He is alone, with a rubber ducky. He begins to sing the 'Rubber Ducky' song]
Opening credits and theme song. It should look like everything is done in snapshots, and that the characters look younger than normal.
[Scene: Focus in on a black and white snapshot of some football players and cheerleaders. Caption under photo reads: 'Northwood Lions and Lionesses at rest'. Jake is in the middle of the group and looks very preppy. Focus remains on the group, but gradually the noise of a school hallway begins to rise in volume (slamming lockers, conversations, footsteps, etc.) Fade color in time with noise (ie, when noise is at normal hearing level, all color should be in)]
Photographer (os): Okay, on three say 'smile'! One, two three-
Group: Smile! [Flash as the camera takes the picture]
Photo: Great! That's perfect. [Pull back until photographer is in view. It is an average looking student. He gathers up his equipment and goes on down the hall. The group begins to dissperse as a bell rings. Jake remains standing in front of his locker, while the noise of the hallway begins to quiet down. There are a few other people scattered about the hallway. Pull back to a wide frame shot]
Axle (War cry, os): Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
Rachel (screaming): Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!
Teacher (outraged): Axle!
[Axle runs on screen carrying Rachel over his shoulder. Axle has one ear pierced all the way up and a pierced eyebrow. His hair is perfectly, meticuosly spiked and dyed a brilliant shade of purple. He looks like a punk and has the same t-shirt that the techie in 'Titantic' was wearing. Rachel has full on Renaissance gown]
Axle (panting): Too....heavy.....Can't......make....quick....getaway....Too....much....velvet. [He looks around and spots Jake and runs up to him] Here hold this for me. [He drops Rachel into Jake's arms. A female teacher runs on screen]
Teacher: Get back here Axle!
[Axle looks back at the teacher]
Axle: Gotta go!
[He runs off. Jake and Rachel look at each other in confusion. A nerdy Maria approaches. She has thick glasses and a trenchcoat. She's carrying a briefcase instead of a backpack. Pretty much she looks like pure evil (think Nicolas Cage in 'Face/Off'. Or on a more personal note, Julian Peters in sunglasses and a trenchcoat)]
Maria: That will be five dollars each please.
Rachel: Ahh! 'Tis the Spawn of Satan!
Maria: No, no. My father isn't that evil. He's just an accountant. And my mother's a lawyer.
Rachel: Ahhh! 'Tis e'en worse! 'Tis Satan Herself! Himself! Itself! Yes, Itself! [She clutches Jake and wails] Save me Good Sir Knight! I shall forever be in thy debt!
Maria: And if you don't pay the five dollars, you both be forever in my debt.
Maria: What, you didn't think the 'Axle Cobb Dating Service' is free, do you?
Jake: That's a dating service?
Maria: Hey, our success rate is pretty good.
Rachel: I will not pay for this offense to my dignity. [Maria shrugs. Turns to Jake]
Maria: That will be ten dollars, please.
Jake: I am not paying.
Maria: Then you're not allowed to go out. Ever.
Jake: Wait, wait, wait. Can we negoitate the fee? What if I give you a down payment.
Maria: We charge intrest. And I know where you live.
Jake: Damn it.
Maria: We accept all major credit cards and checks with ids. [Jake still looks reluctant] Look, you get 'Hardon Harzen' delivered to your arms.
Rachel: Call me not by that vulgar name!
Maria: Okay, fine. You get Harzen delivered to your arms. The schools most eligable wierdo.
Jake: But I'm on the football team. It's required that I date a cheerleader.
Maria: I'm sure Harzen can cheer. Besides, how much fun are cheerleaders anyway?
Rachel: They be easy to befudlle.
Jake: And they be easy.
Maria: But they might break into cheers when- Never mind, the walls have ears.
Jake: I'm still not paying.
Rachel: Then by my troth, I'm off. [Struggles to get out of Jake's arms] Um, this is the cue for you to release me, good Sir Knight. Please?
Maria: Listen, Jakey-boy, I know what your car looks like. I also know the guy who blew up the principals car. Do we see a pattern. Although I won't reveal his- its name.
Jake: But if you blow up my van, you can't get a ride to school. Besides, you only know one other person besides me.
Maria: Yes I do.
Jake: Not including administrators.
Maria: Hush up you.
Jake: Can't we work out some sort of alternative payment? Anyone on the football team you want to go out with?
Maria: No thank you, I have enough people who claim no knowledge of me. Besides, what would I want with a guy?
Rachel: I knew that thou wert a lesbian. Listen, I have a friend-
Maria: No, no. You misunderstood. I'm the one with no hormones.
Rachel: Oh. So thou art the one who penned that eassy.
Maria: Not according to my laywer. Besides, football players are sweaty and stinky, and have brains like meatloaf. Like I say. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Jake: Meatloaf is good.
Maria: My point exactly.
Jake: Listen, isn't there something I can do? [Maria gets a calculating look on her face]
Maria: Lets see. We waived the fee for her, which means five dollars extra from you. And that would be the equivalent of.....one lunch. And you sit with me.
Jake: Awww man! Have you no heart? What about my carefully cultivated social standing?
Maria: I pride myself on the no heart bit.
Jake: Fine. But you can't talk and I'm saying that you're my half sister. Who lives with her father. [To Rachel] Does she look like she could be my half sister?
Rachel: Only if there be a courier factor. [To Maria] Tell me. Wert thou a special delivery?
Maria: Listen Harzen-
Rachel: I do have a first name.
Maria: You do? It's not Hardon?
Rachel: No! 'Tis Rachel.
Maria: Sure it is. Just like I'm the Queen of Spain.
Rachel: Thou art? I am sorry I have talked to you in such informal tones, Your Grace. [She bows froms her position in Jake's arms]
Maria (to Jake): You're perfect for each other.
[Axle comes on screen being pulled by his ear by the teacher chasing him]
Axle: Ow. Ow. Ow. Hey, watch the earrings. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Maria: Well, looks like it's time for me to go. Remember Jake. Tomorrow, lunch time. You, me and the entire school. [She heads over to Axle] So, you got us another week of detention.
Axle: Well how was I supposed to know that she could run so fast?
Maria: Research, Axle, reasearch. Never kidnap somebody from the track coach's class. [They exit. Enter pricinpal, a balding, pudgy man with a mean disposition and a rediculous toupee that doesn't match his hair]
Princiapl: Harzen! What have I told you about the school dress code?
Rachel: I see not why you portest, sir. Verily I am within the code of dress. I wear not clothes that expose overmuch my flesh.
Principal: I'm sure that wearing a renissnace gown is also against the dress code. And if it isn't, well it now is for all members of the Harzen clan. I'm giving you a dention and sending you home to change. As for you, Mr. Fisher, don't you have a class to go to?
Principal: A likely story. I'm giving you a detention for loitering and for fratranizing with her. [Glares at both of them] Now drop the girl and get to class, Mr. Fisher.
Jake: Yes sir. Right away, sir. [He drops Rachel and sprints off to class]
Rachel: Oh the pain that has been inflicted upon my tender hiney.
Principal: Now go change. If you aren't back here by the next period, you're getting two detentions and I'm calling your parents. And if you don't change, you get community service.
Rachel: I shalt do as you say, foul beast, but know that I do so under grave protest.
Pricipal: Don't you always? [She exits, grumbling]
[Scene: A photo of a classroom. Caption underneath reads: Detention, one week later. Maria, Axle, Jake and Rachel are seated at the desks. Axle is sitting on a desk playing solitare, and his hair is now ice blue, Jake is reading a sports magazine, Maria is working on homework and we can't see what Rachel is doing. She is dressed normally. Fade in color]
Axle: I can't believe you're doing homework.
Maria: I can't believe you couldn't outrun the track teacher.
Jake: I can't believe I'm in detention. This could ruin my football carrer!
Rachel: Do you think the giant ball of fire should have red flames or green flames? [The others look at her oddly] What? It's a valid question.
Maria: Finished! [Maria closes her school books and leans over to look at Axle's game of solitare] Put the ten on the Jack.
Axle: I was going to!
Maria: No you weren't. You were going to flip through the deck in frustration before cursing out the cards and shoving them off the table. And then you were going to be put in the Pit.
Axle (pause): No I wasn't. [Maria rolls her eyes and turns toward Rachel]
Maria: So. [She grapples for something to talk about] How'd you get the nickname 'Hardon'?
Rachel: Why don't you ask the male element of this little get together.
Axle: You know, Maria, I think the nick name is pretty much self-explanitory. Especially to you.
Maria: I was asking her. You know, conversation? The talking that doesn't involve making a deal?
Axle: You mean there's more to life than making money?
Maria: Or to losing it in your case.
Jake: So that's where the money came from for that time you- Never mind. Next topic please. So, how 'bout those....Maple Leaves, eh?
Maria: It's not hockey season, Dudley.
Maria: Never mind. I forgot. You have a life. You don't watch bad sixties cartoons that turn into bad nineties movies.
Rachel: And the rest of us don't? Have a life I mean.
Maria: Scraping paint off of the walls of the girls bathroom doesn't count as life.
Rachel: How'd you know about that?
Maria: I make it my business to know these things.
Axle: Why do you think we have such a thriving business partnership.
Maria: That reminds me. [Pulls out a new looking black spiral bound notebook] My lawyer has suggested I keep everything in writing.
Rachel: And you have a lawyer why?
Maria: Years of dealing with Axle has taught me that it's a good idea to have someone who can weasel their way out of tight corners faster than you can get out of a bra in my corner.
Rachel: What? Hey, I'll have you know that I- um, never mind.
Maria: Exactly. [Jake's head snaps up]
Jake: Did somebody mention removing bras? I'm a certified expert, you know. Want to see my card?
Axle: Down boy.
Jake: Like you're not above grabbing Hardon Harzen's bra.
Rachel: It's Rachel! Not Hardon!
Jake: Whatever. Just remember that my name is Jake 'cause that's what you'll be screaming later.
Rachel: That does it, I'm leaving. [She stands up revealing a gum scuplture. It's an effigy of the principal] And I'm taking my gum scuplture with me.
Jake: It's detention. You can't leave. You're stuck here with us. Bwah ha ha!
Maria: Technically it is possible to get up and walk toward the door, but it's the consequences that you have to fear.
Rachel: Damn it. How am I going to waste two more hours? [She takes off the head of the sculpture and starts chewing]
Axle: I really hope you didn't get the material from the bottom of the desks.
Rachel: Of course not. [She opens her backpack to expose a little gumball machine] I come prepared.
Maria: Ooh, can I have one?
Rachel: Five dollars!
Maria: Is it okay if it's in pennys?
Rachel: As long as their rolled and marked.
Jake: You know, I can think of something to do.
Axle: Okay, there's ways to phrase that better dude.
Jake: Oh like you're stragey's working, Mr. Tie-d bowl.
Axle: You mean those giants breath mints in the urnial?
Jake: And the mystery is solved.
Rachel: No wonder he always smells so.....interseting.
Axle: What? You mean they aren't breath mints?
Rachel: Altoids are breath mints. Tie-d bowl tablets are highly toxic. In fact they're deadly.
Maria: So is putting an entire tin of Altoids in your mouth at once, chewing them and then drinking ice water.
Axle: But it feels so cool. You can freeze people.
Maria: Well, you can always do what I do.
Rachel: And that would be finding more ways to extort money from people?
Maria: Sometimes. I was talking about setting off model rockets.
Rachel: Model rockets?
Maria: Well, think about. This room is perfectly situated across from both the principal's office and the teacher's lounge. Which means, if I aim my rockets just right-
Axle: You get to spend a couple months in the Pit.
Maria: Hey, that was only that one time. After that I wised up.
Axle: Yeah, and blamed them on me.
Maria: So? The principal put me in there with you, anyway. This way I had company.
Axle: I don't know about you but I don't enjoy lisening to 'Up. Down' in 3-d surround sound.
Maria: Well, not particluarly, but after the first six hours or so, it can actually be sort of meditative.
Axle: I swear. They put, like, subliminal messages or stuff in there. They think you'll fall asleep and then you'll be helpless when the rest of the principal's race comes to take over the planet.
Jake: I don't like the Pit. It gives me nightmares.
Axle: What would you know? You've never been put in the Pit. Besides, you get nighmares from mayonnese.
Rachel: Coincidently, what's the Pit?
Jake: Oh that's right. You're the new one here, aren't you.
Rachel: Uh, yeah.
Maria: We call the Pit a living hell. The principal calls it-
Jake, Axle & Maria: A semi-legal discipling method for students who refuse to respond to more convetional means of discipline.
Rachel: So that's what they were talking about in the brochure. It also explains the waiver my parents refused to sign.
Axle: You know, just out of curiosity, what exactly did you do to get on the principal's bad side?
Rachel: Well- [Flashblack. Outisde the school. The principal is smiling jovially at a preppily dressed Rachel]
Principal: So, anymore questions?
Rachel: Yeah, but I shouldn't ask it.
Prinicpal: No, no, it's okay. What is it?
Rachel: I really shouldn't say it.
Principal: We want you to feel comfortable around here so go ahead. You can ask anything you want.
Rachel: I'm going to hold you to that.
Principal: Just ask the question. We believe in the freedom of speech here.
Rachel: All right. I warned you. You do realize that you have a dead squirril on your head, don't you?
Axle (chuckling): It does look like a dead squirril.
Jake: The first time I ever got in trouble was when I saw him with a hooker downtown. Turns out he was going to a costume party with his mother. Let me tell you that my life flashed before my eyes and not just because he was wearing stilleto high heels.
Axle: See you guys all have interseting stories.
Rachel: Like you don't.
Axle: I don't! He took one look at me and sent me to detention.
Rachel (laughing): Actually that is a sort of interesting. He did that to me on the first day of school.
Axle: That's 'cause you wore the chain-mail bikini.
Rachel: I don't see what his problem is. What's wrong with a little creative expressions of clothing? I mean his toupee is- never mind. I'm not allowed to discuss his toupee. So, Maria, what did you do?
Maria: Besides being seen with Axle?
Maria: I blew up the Mr. Coffee.
Axle: That was the first time in school history that we've ever had the teachers orgainze a lynching mob.
Maria: See, this why I like detition. I'm safe from the teachers here. [Points to the door] That's a thick door with a lock.
Rachel: They could just throw a brick through the glass.
Maria: They know better than to give me a brick.
Jake: Is anybody else concerned with the fact that it's dark outside?
Axle: Nah. It's when it starts to get light again that you should worry.
Jake: Now I understand why you bring a week's worth of clothes to school.
Maria: What's really fun is when you steal food from the faculty. Their baked potatos are cooked. Which actually isn't so much fun 'cuase then I don't have an excuse to blow them up in the microwave, but I can make those potato lights for the Pit.
Axle: And they get real eggs. None of that powdered crap they give us.
[The door opens and a custodian enters]
Custodian: You're free to go.
Rachel: Yes sir. [They exit] Freedom! [She looks at her pager] Whoa, it's like eight o'clock. Damn it! I missed Nova!
Jake: Damn it! I missed dinner!
Rachel: I bet you there's note with twenty bucks stuck to my 'fridge that says 'Gone out. Buy dinner'.
Maria: Well, it's late enough that if I mange to make it to my front door, they'll only be mildly pissed that I broke my curfew. However, if it takes them more than ten point three seconds to get to the door, it's not late enough that the dogs are asleep yet, so I'm not going to chance it.
Rachel: You know, that's about the most pathetic curfew I've ever heard.
Maria: The state imposed it. Apparently they're afraid that if I'm out after eight o'clock the city's going to burn down.
Rachel: Okay. [Turns to Jake] Aren't your parents even a little bit worried? [Jake thinks long and hard]
Jake: Nope. They've met Axle.
Axle: Can we get food now?
Maria: Do you ever stop eating?
Axle: Um, yeah. When I'm asleep. Unless you count that IV I had when I was in a coma.
Rachel: Why were you in a coma?
Axle: Mishap with a blender.
Rachel: How does that happen?
Axle: Story for another time.
[Scene: Outside the school. It is late fall, and as they breathe, their breath shows. Establish that this is somewhere in New England. They stand in the parking lot of the school. Jake is rubbing his arms vigorously]
Jake: It's really, really cold out here guys. [Huddles up against Rachel] On second thought, it's actually gotten warmer. We could make it a little hotter babe.
Rachel: Jake, let me remind you that we've only been together for seven and a half days. It takes a lot longer than that for me to put out.
Axle: I'm hungry.
Maria: Stand back. He might eat us. [Jake grips Rachel protectively]
Jake: No. Warm.
Maria: Axle, can I crash in your tree house? I'm afriad of Muffin and Schnooky.
Axle: What about Mandibles of Death?
Maria: No, he's the nice one. But man, Fluffy gives me nightmares.
Rachel: Fluffy? And they call my family weird.
Maria: Well, your family is weird. You family vacations in nudists colonies. [Rachel shudders]
Rachel: And people wonder how I get my nickname.
Axle: Sure, but I think I'm still not allowed to go inside, so I'll be out there with you.
Rachel: Maria and Axle, sitting in a tree. S-c-r-e-w-i-n-g. [Pause] Wait, that doesn't quite work, now does it. [Maria and Axle look at each other and shudder]
Axle: That's sick. I could never sleep with Maria. I know her too well.
Maria: Besides, I don't know where he's been. [Rachel laughs]
Rachel: Yeah, you know what Momma always says: "Don't put that in your mouth! You don't know where it's been!"
Axle: Hmm. Never thought of that.
Maria: Don't start thinking about it now. You know the rules. No nuptuials, no nookie.
Jake: Damn it, now that I've missed dinner, there's no point in going home.
Rachel: How'd you get to dinner?
Jake: You know, putting something in your mouth.
Rachel: That's not what I was talking about.
Jake: But, we were supposed to have corn dogs with tapiocca pudding tonight.
Rachel: That's wonderful. Disgusting but wonderful. I think we were going to have buckwheat soba.
Maria: Ewwww! That's a nasty combination. It's a crime against taste buds.
Rachel (pointedly): You don't get it, do you?
Axle: She's a virgin everything.
Maria: Except that time we- Never mind. That never happend.
Axle: That's what I say too.
Rachel: So you can't go home why Jake?
Jake: There's never any left overs at my house except that time my Mom tried that recipe your Mom gave her, and we've declared that nuclear waste. Besides canned tuna and canned creamed corn make an even more unpleasent combination than corn dogs and tapiocca. [Turns to Axle] Can I stay in your tree house too?
Rachel: Fine! Just abandon the new kid.
Axle: Well, you can order pizza.
Rachel: Yeah, but I have to hike fifteen miles and pick a lock first.
Axle: Oh yeah, you're one of those out of district transfers aren't you.
Rachel: And it's as cold as Maria's black heart out here!
Maria: What did I do to you?
Rachel: I don't know, but doesn't it sound good.
Maria: Actually it does. Which means you can't have thought it up.
Maria: What? It's true. So, where'd you get it?
Rachel: I heard it was written on the walls of the guys bathroom.
Maria: What guy would say that about me? [Thinks for a long time] Oh that's right.
Axle: So, Jake. Where's your car? [Jake thinks]
Axle: Your Mom has your car?
Maria (to Axle): Remember Axle, just as cold effects male genitalia, so does it effect Jake's brain. Shrinkage. [Demonstrates with fingers]
Axle: Oh yeah. So, how are we getting home?
Maria (shurgs): I don't know. [Rachel has been looking in the other direction for some time and she turns to the others]
Rachel: Does anybody see what I see?
Maria: Depends on what you're looking at. See, right now Cassiopia over there and that points to- Why is everbody staring that way?
Axle: Dude, it's Principal Tanner's car.
Rachel (dramatic): We have a ride.
Maria: Correction. We have a car. What we don't have is a key for the car.
Rachel: Details, details. [They walk over to the car. Maria tries the door]
Maria: Oh, shucks, it's locked. If we start walking now, we can make it to Axle's house with enough time to- brush our teeth before heading back to school. Who's with me? [She looks about] Guys? Guys?
Rachel: Well, see, it's not going to stay locked for long.
Axle: You're going to use the Force to unlock the door?
Rachel: Well, no, but wouldn't it be cool if I could?
Axle: So we're going to break the window in.
Rachel: Not exactly-
Axle (not listening): Okay, Maria's wearing her Bone Cruncher boots, so if we take one of those and hit it against the window with enough force and enough times we can create a way in for somebody to hotwire the car.
Rachel: Or I could just take off my bra and use the underwire like a coat hanger.
Jake: Me like Rachel way better.
Axle: You would.
Maria (deep voice): This is your conscience speaking-
Rachel: If that were true, you'd be a lot smaller and higher pitched.
Maria: Fine. [Crouches down and assumes high ptiched voice] This is your conscience speaking. If we high jack the prinicpals car we get thrown into the Pit. [Pause] I think the deep voice works better.
Axle: But if we don't highjack the principals car, we're stuck here for the next eight hours. And then we'll get put into the Pit anyway.
Maria: But this doesn't have 3-D surround sound. [Rachel rolls her eyes, takes off her bra and begins to pick the lock. Jake is mesmerized]
Axle: But if we highjack the principals car, we can go to the pizza place and gorge ourselves.
Maria: But- but- but- I've already been over-ruled haven't I.
Maria: With what?
Rachel: Unlocking the car door.
Axle: That was quick.
Rachel: What, you don't think my parents ever gave me car keys, do you?
Axle: Great, so who knows how to hot-wire a car.
[In the background we can see Rachel examining the car. Pantomine finding key in the exhaust pipe and starting car while dialog is occuring]
Maria: I don't know. They didn't cover that in my home-ec class. Poisoning people, yes. Highjacking cars, no.
Axle: Okay. I'm sure I can figure it out. I mean how many times is it possible to get schocked while doing this before the car starts.
Jake: Hot. Wire.
[Behind them the car starts. They turn to see Rachel sitting in the back seat looking impatient. She opens the door]
Rachel: The heaters on and the principal's light just went off. Somebody drive.
Axle: I'll do it!
Maria: No. You won't. I happen to like living. Get in the passenger seat. [Jake looks between the heater and Rachel]
Rachel: Get in Jake.
Jake: Heater. Rachel. Heater. Rachel.
Axle: Braless Rachel. [Jake grins and climbs in the back]
[Scene: The parking lot the next morning. Cue 'Ode to Morning'. Enter principal. Music ends abruptly. A clanking begins off camera. The car hobbles into view at about five miles an hour, a looking much worse for the wear. One door is missing, the back window is shattered with a pizza box tapped over it, there's barbed wire hanging from the back fender, which is half off and dragging through the ground, and there's a very large branch caught in the barbed wire with a cow trotting behind it. A 'do not pass' sign is predominately displayed on the front of car, where the pole is wedged and draging on the asphalt, while a deer crossing sign has been hastily taped over where the door once was. A stop sign is wedged into the metal of the trunk. One tire has been replaced with a ring of cans stuck to it in a roughly tire shape with lots of duct tape. The passenger seat is tied to the roof, with Axle sitting on it with a bucket of paint ballons in one hand and surrounded by lawn gnomes, which he ducts tape to cherry-bombs and pushes off the roof. His entire body is covered in mud and feathers, bits of trees and months stuck to him. Jake and Rachel are leaning on each other and asleep in the back seat, the exterior is smered with mud and the passenger side back has caved in completely. A mangled bike is tied to the hood like a kill. Cut to interior. Maria, wearing a standard issue viking helm, is driving with one hand and conducting an invisble and slient orchestra, as well as her self. She is singing the ride of the valkyres song very loudly and badly. Two live pigeons are cooing, flapping and trying to escape while hanging upside down from the rear-view mirror. Maria is also handcuffed to the steering wheel and seems to have aquired a nurses uniform and a bike chain necklace. Jake is wearing a wet suit. Rachel is in full leather with a collar that leads from her to Jake. Jake's legs have been shaved. Maria parrallel parks in front of the principal. The back of the car goes up over the curb. She shuts the car off and exits jovially, holding the steering wheel in one hand]
Maria: Don't scratch the paint, son. [She flips him the keys]
Axle: Hey, Principal Tanner, catch! [He dumps the bucket of paint ballons on the Principal]
Princpal: Pit. Now. And wake your two little friends up.
Maria: Yes sir. [She opens the door and pulls them out. They blink confusedly]
Principal: You know drill. Go.
Jake: Yes sir.
Rachel: Can you give detention on a Staurday?
Maria: Shut up and follow us.
Rachel: Why do I feel like I'm in one of those WWII movies?
Maria: So I'm not the only one?
Axle: I don't see what the big problem is. I mean we brought back the car.
Jake: Yeah, we even brought back peace offerings. [He hands the Princiapl the pigeons] Would you like some milk? We can skim it if you want. How 'bout if we churn butter to the tape? Will you let us go early?
Principal: On second thought, come with me.
Maria: This can't be good.
Rachel: This can't be leagl.
Axle: I don't know. I hear sqaub is a delicasy in some countries. I mean, he's been here all night with only cafeteria food to eat, he's probably hungry.
Maria (softly): Oh God, we're dead. And next weeks stew.
[The principal leads them to a blank wall and lines them up]
Principal: Any last words?
Rachel: Is this leagl?
Jake: No! I'm too young to die! I'm too important to die! I'm too handsome to die! Don't kill me! I'll go to the Pit peaceably! [He throws himself on the ground and clutches the principals' legs, pulling Rachel with him]
Rachel: Help. Can't breathe.
Principal: Is that all?
Rachel: Ahh! I take it all back! It doesn't look like a squirril! It doesn't look like a squirril! [Pause]
Rachel: Yeah! Really! It looks more like that the ground hog we found last night Axle shot last night. At least I think it was a ground hog. [The principal glares at her] Wait, wait! Humor!
Jake: Damn it, I'm dying a virgin! [Looks to Rachel] I don't suppose we have time to, you know, right now?
Axle: Damn it, I'm dying hungry.
Maria: You can't kill me! It's the sabbath! It's illeagl to kill a Jew on the sabbath! That counts as work!
Principal: It's not the Sabbath.
Maria: It is if you count Sunday as the first day of the week.
Axle: It's not illeagl to kill a Jew on the sabbath.
Maria (aside): If you shut up you can say you're Jewish.
Axle: Wait, yes it is! And I'm Jewish too! I converted last night. Well, technically today. You know? [He breaks out into the dreidal song] Driedal, dreidal, dreidal, I made it out of clay. Dreidal, dreidal, dreidal, with driedal I will play. Same verse, second as the first!
Jake: You did? Didn't that hurt?
Jake: 'Cause they cut off part of your, you know. The Indian's scalp General Custard. With no anistisea. [Axle winces and clutches his groin protectively]
Axle: Yes. Yes it did hurt. A lot. Which why I'm covered in mud. Yes, cool soothing mud. Gosh I sure do love mud. Sure am glad God made mud. And it's so easy to make, too. You know, one part water, one part mud! Bada-bing, bada-boom! Mud!
Principal: If you're quite done-
Rachel: Oh no, we could go on like this all day.
Maria: Let's sing Zül shall overcome!
Principal: You are quite done. [Silence] Good. Now. I have one thing to say to you. I'm no going to kill you.
All: Yea! [They break into a rousing chorus of 'For he's a jolly good fellow']
Principal: But I might reconsider my propostion if you all don't stop singing right now.
All: Fo- [They all stop. There is a dead silence except for the chirping of birds]
Principal: I am, however, going to put you in the Pit. But first, I'm going to hose you all down.
Maria: You are a cruel, cruel man. It's cold enough down there that when you spit, icicles form!
Jake: Thank God for wet suits.
Rachel: Damn it, leather shrinks when it's wet! Good thing this is vinyl.
Maria: Damn it! This is see through when wet.
Axle: Damn it! All the mud will wash off! My nice, soothing, mud pack will be gone. Then the pain will return.
Maria: Axle, he's not going to kill us. You can give it up now.
Axle: But maybe he won't put me in the Pit.
Maria: Forget it. I've tried it already.
Jake: Damn it! It's my turn to say damn it! [The principal glares at them and turns on the fire hose. Underneath the mud, Axle is only wearing a loin cloth fashioned out of the band of a pair of jeans and cargo pockets. His hair is bright orange. They shriek, scream and basically carry on when they get hosed down]
Principal: Now march. [They file off in single file, dripping]
[Scene: A plain white room, with bright flourescent lighting and nothing else. An annoying chant of 'Up. Down' is playing (think P.E). There's an air conditioner vent in the celing. The words "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter" in blood red are blazen on the wall. Focus in on Rachel, Axle and Maria, who are sitting in the center of the room, shivering. Note that when they talk, they're in cadence with the chant]
Maria: So where did you find the key anyway?
Rachel: In the exhaust pipe.
Maria: It figures. [Jake runs by screaming. Pan back and follow Jake, until he runs into a wall. He lies flat on his back, and breathes in and out in cadence, drooling a little]
Axle: That's a good idea. [He gets up and runs headfirst into the wall. He also falls back. Note that the camera angle is such that if the loin cloth flips up, his bits and pieces will stay hidden. Maria and Rachel look at each other, shrug, and crawl over to the guys. They lie down, using the guys as pillows and fall asleep. Everybody is breathing in and out in cadence]
[Scene: Later. Enter principal. He surveys the scene before, which is the four of them in this huge pile. The tape is still playing]
Principal: All right, you four. That's illeagl on campass. [They disentangle themselves hastily]
Maria: But we weren't-
Principal: No more denials from. Why can't you be more like your brother Richard was?
Maria: Well sir, my parents didn't exactly want another kid. That's why there's five years between us. Besdies, I'm not sure if you noticed this or not but I'm not a male. See, there's different genetic codes for males and females. They're missing an x-chromosone, which makes them-
Prinpal: Shut up, Falkner. How stupid do you think I am? And don't even think about awnsering Harzen. And will somebody turn that damn tape off? [The tape turns off] Thank you.
Rachel: Does this mean we get to leave? [Principal laughs hysterically]
Principal: Of course not. You still have four more hours.
Rachel: Only four hours? Gee sir, time sure does fly when you're having the time of your life.
Principal: Then you wouldn't mind if I extended it to six hours.
Rachel: Well, that backfired.
Axle: You think?
Jake: I'm cold.
Rachel: Have my parent's called?
Principal: Actually they have. I informed them of my disciplanry options. And that reminds me, they're still waiting in my office. But right now, you have twenty-minutes for lunch.
Maria: Did any of us even bring lunch?
Principal: You're parents did. It's waiting in the detention room.
Jake: Ooh, food! I love my parents.
[Scene: The detention room. Axle has a large paper bag in front of him, Jake has a large cooler, Rachel has a bunch of middle eastern food holders, with a little cloth to put it on and Maria has a My Little Ponies lunch box. They begin to unpack their lunches. Jake has a gallon of milk, two family sized bags of funyuns, a pound of ham, a pound of cheese, a head of lettuce, a loaf of bread, new squeeze bottles of condiments, a jar of penut butter, a cutting board, a huge knife, an entire bag of apples and an entire bunch of bannas. Axle has two giant pixies sticks and a tube of M&M's, as well as a two litter bottle of Mountain Dew. Rachel has a full Middle Esatern spread and a large thormos of really strong coffee. Maria has an apple juice juice box, carrot sticks, a thromos of soup and a penut butter and jelly sandwich on white with no crusts and cut diagonally. Jake begins building a huge sandwich (cutting ham and cheese), while Axle tries to open the first pixie stick. Rachel begins setting up her repas while Maria tries to punch through the juice box. Two minutes later, Jake has a giant sandwich before him, and all his sandwich fixings are gone, including the entier squeeze jar of mayonnese. The sandwich is made with two slices of wonder bread. He looks at the creation with gleaming eyes. Cut to three minutes later. The sandwich is gone and Jake is licking his fingers. Axle has begun to worry the pixe stick like a dog, and Rachel is an 'Unlawful Falafel' song that she is making up on the spot. Maria is glaring at her juice box]
Maria: God damn it! Why am I still getting these? And why is it no easier to open them now than when I was five?
Rachel: 'Cause you have the brain of a five year old?
Maria: Hey, I'm not making up an 'Unlawful Falafel' song.
Rachel: What? Food should not only be nourishment, but also entertainment.
Maria: If you want a floor show, just watch Axle.
Axle (anguished, to pixi stick): Why won't you open? What did I ever do to you?
Maria: Besides attempting to suck it's innards out?
Axle: I wasn't asking you! Just go back to your kiddie lunch!
Maria: I would but the juice straw won't go in! [She stabs at the juice carton again] All right, I give up. Jake, give me your knife. [Jake has been cutting up the banannas and apples and making sandwichs out of them with peanut butter]
Jake: But I need the knife to spread my peanut butter.
Maria: It will just be really quick.
Jake: Fine, but if I get hungry, I'm eating you.
Maria: I don't doubt that. I don't doubt that at all. [Jake hands her the knife. Maria sets the box down and side-swipes it with the knife. The box top comes off cleanly. She hands the knife back]
Rachel: So this is why they don't let you carry a knife in school.
Maria: Actually that's because of the time I accidently- Never mind. It's not important.
Rachel: So what exactly do you have?
Maria: Chicken noodle soup, PB&J sandwich, carton of juice and a bag of carrot sticks. The same lunch that I've had everyday for my entire school carrer.
Rachel: And what a cute lunch it is. Did you have the lunch box your entire school carrer, too?
Maria: Hey! I like horses.
Rachel: My Little Ponies aren't horses. They come from a mgaical land.
Maria: Look, it was either this or Lambchop.
Axle: What're you talking about? Lambchop is cool! [Breaks out into song] This is the song that doesn't end, yes it goes on and on my friend.
Maria: Oh now, the song does not go on forever and ever. It stops right now.
Axle: Some people- Yes mam.
Rachel: So, why didn't your parents get you a Smurf lunch box?
Maria: Because the kids at school already called me Smurf and I would scream every time I saw one. Believe me, they wanted me to use one. Especially my brother, becase he already had one.
Rachel: So this is why you always buy a school lunch.
Maria: Yep. Even on gruel days.
Rachel: I love my parents. They have never subjected me to such torture.
Axle: Can somebody help me open this?
Jake: I'd give you my knife, but it's covered in peanut butter. [He has a series of fruit and peanut butter sandwiches in front of him. The peanut butter jar is empty] Now all I have to do is add funyuns.
Maria: That's mildly disturbing.
Jake: But it's the Elvis sandwich.
Rachel: No, that has potato chips.
Jake: Well I don't have potato chips. So I have the next best thing. Potato by-product.
[Enter Principal. Jake begins to play with his funyuns]
Principal: Fiffteen minute warning. [Turns to Rachel] Harzen, I see where you get it from. All counts are forgiven.
Rachel: Does this mean I can leave?
Principal: You're now in detention because of you're parents.
Rachel: That's against my constitutional liberties!
Principal: Oh but you gave those up when you went to school, didn't you.
Rachel: You're mean prinicpal! I never did like you. Now I like you even less.
Maria: Actually, that should be " Now I dislike you even more. "
Maria: Ooh, someone's salty.
Rachel: Gee. I wonder why.
Maria: Look. You aren't being treated like you're still five years old.
Rachel: Well, I have an excuse to be salty. I've never been in this sort of situation.