All's Quiet On the Lunatic Fringe
Episode 102: Party
Created by Emma Berman
Written by Emma Berman and Laurel Black
[Scene: The girls' apartment. Night, during a party. There is a large table filled with food and drinks, and party music is playing. There are a bunch of people mingling about and general commotion. Focus in on Maria and Jake who are standing next to the stereo system. They both have cups in their hands. Rachel approaches]
Rachel (loudly): This is great!
Maria (loudly): A little loud!
Rachel (loudly): What?
Maria (same): It's loud!
Rachel (same): Speak up! I can't hear you!
Maria (same): It's too loud! [She says this just as the music goes out. Everybody looks at her strangely. She shrugs sheepishly, and the others turn back to their conversations]
Rachel: You didn't have to shout.
Maria: Shut up, you. [Jake has been looking at the stereo system strangely and turns back to Maria and Rachel]
Jake: Hey, your stereo seems to be broken.
Rachel: What'd you too do?
Maria: I didn't do anything. I bet it's Axle's fault. Go find him.
Rachel: Why should I find him?
Maria: What, you want to entertain fifty guests?
Jake: That won't be so bad. I mean I can do a pretty mean soft shoe, and Maria has all sorts of amusing anecdotes. [He looks at Rachel for a moment] And, well, I suppuse you could strip. [He grins suggestively]
Rachel: Didn't I tell you I wouldn't strip for you in this life time?
Jake: Well, it wouldn't be for just me. [He grins] Unless we have a Champagne Room here.
Maria: Why would that be enjoyable? You couldn't touch her.
Rachel: I'll be getting Axle now. [She beats a hasty retreat. Jake and Maria turn back to the stereo system]
Opening credits and theme song (Time of your lives, by Green Day). Opening credits should be done as if they are from a candid camera sort of thing. I.e, scenes that would normally be considered unimportant. They should be cheesily done, and be things like: Jake dropping something in Maria's apartment, looking around and hastily sweeping it underneath the couch with his foot; Rachel surrounded by hundreds of shoes; Axle stealing a road sign; Maria balancing a spoon on the tip of her nose. Be sure to include their interactions with the camera person, such as Jake looking at it in surprise and approaching menacingly, Maria waving and then attempting to catch the spoon as it falls, Rachel waving the camera away, etc.
[Scene: Axle's studio downstairs. Center on an antique couch, with an easel in the foreground, obscuring most of the couch, and painting equipment scattered on the ground. Rachel enters from the left. She looks about cautiously, drifting toward the middle]
Rachel: Axle? Axle are you down here?
[Axle approaches Rachel from behind, intentionally moving softly. He taps Rachel on the shoulder]
Axle: Yes? [Rachel whrils and accidently hits Axle in the nose knocking him down] Ahh! My dose is bleeding!
Rachel: It's your fault.
Axle (stuffed): How is you hitting me my fault?
Rachel (grasping for straws): You shouldn't have snuck up on me. By the way, what'd you do to our stero?
Axle (evasivly): Um....that depends. Do you like what's happened?
Rachel: No, because it turned off and there are now fifty people in Maria's apartment waiting for music.
Axle: Then I did nothing.
Rachel: Sure you did. That's what they all say.
Axle: So wait, you mean the party's already started?
Rachel: Yeah. Where have you been for the past two hours?
Axle: Down here. Say, has anybody tried the punch yet?
Axle: Um, just curious. [He laughts nevrious. His face suddenly lights up as if getting a great idea] Hey, I was wondering if you'd do me a huge favor.
Rachel: What sort of favor?
Axle: Well, I, um, I have this idea for a painting, see? And I kinda, uhh, sorta, um, [said rapidly] need-a-nude-model. [There is a pause as Rachel takes in what Axle said, and Axle looks at her nervously. Rachel shrugs]
Rachel: Sure. Why not.
Axle (surprised): You mean you'll really go through with it?
Rachel: Yeah, why not. After all, I did do some nude modeling in Italy.
Rachel: I was poor, all right? [The camera moves around to face Axle and only Axle]
Axle: Okay. So, do you want me to leave while you- [Rachel has begun to strip, as seen by the surprise on Axle's face] Never mind. I can see that you're comfortable with things just as they are. [Axle goes into a trance like state. Rachel's shirt hits Axle in the face, breaking him out of his trance] Humina?
Rachel (os): So, what do you want me to do.
Axle: Well- Oh, wait, you mean modeling. Yeah. Okay, um, why don't you just, sort of sit on the couch. You know, seductive like.
Rachel (os): Okay.
[Axle heads toward the couch and stops in front of his easel. Move camera around so we can only see his face, and the back of the easel]
Axle (drooling slightly): That's good. Now, move your arm a little bit up.....Look toward the door.....Can you lie a little more naturally? That's perfect! [He grins broadly] Now, stay like that for the next couple of hours, and we might have something!
[Scene: Axle's studio, later. He is still in the same place as before, if a bit more paint stained. Wide angle so the entire room, minus the couch, can be seen. The door opens and Jake walks in]
Jake: Hey Axle, have you- [He sees Rachel] Never mind, I see you have.
Axle (critcesque): Hah ha, how......awkward.
Rachel (calm): Hey Jake. What're you doing down here?
Jake: Well, um....[He trails off and stares at her] Uhhhhh. I seem to have forgotten why I've come here. So I'll just sit here until it comes back.
Rachel: Hey did you fix the stereo? Because, I don't know why, but the air conditioning down here is a lot colder than it is at the apartment. Of course, it could be because I have no clothes on.
Jake: Really? I didn't even notice.
Axle: Really, 'cause I don't see how you can miss this. I mean look at those tracts of land. It's huge!
Rachel: I'm pretending I'm not hearing this.
Axle: What? It's a compliment. I mean lewd if I wanted to. Can't I Jake.
Jake: Oh yeah. Be glad he's toned it down. This what being sexually repressed does to you.
Rachel: Then why isn't Maria like this?
Jake: There's a difference between being sexually frustrated, and being celiabte. We think Maria's saving herself for Weird Al.
Rachel: But isn't he- Never mind. So, wait was stereo fixed?
Jake: Yeah, it was just unplugged.
Rachel: Why does this not surprise me? But if it's fixed, then why are you down here?
Jake: To get you drunk. [Prodcues a bottle of Vodka and bottle of club soda] I would have gotten you champagne but it was too expensive.
Rachel: I think I'll pass, thanks.
Jake: Damn it, I knew I should have sprung for Gin.
Axle: I think I have some Rum.
[ He leaves the canvas and begins to search for the bottle. Jake walks over to Axle's easel and looks at the painting. He holds up a bottle] Found it! [He looks at it] At least I think it was Rum at one point. Right now I just use it to remove varnish.
Rachel: I think I'll pass, thanks.
Axle: Suit yourself. [He takes off the cork and sniffs, then hastily replaces the cork] Never mind. I think I'll let it age a little bit more.
Jake: So how long have you been working on this painting?
Axle: I don't know. An hour, maybe.
Jake: Well, that's a constructive use of an hour. Visualizing and conceptualizing I see.
Axle: What do mean?
Jake: Damn it, Axle, that canvas is as white as your ass!
Rachel: What! Eww! How do you know this?
Jake: Long story, but suffice to say that we will never need a flashlight.
Axle: Um....Hey, I got this great idea! Jake, strip.
Jake (outraged): What!
Jake (disgusted): You're sick, man. I told you. I don't play on that team.
Rachel: Wait, wait, wait, wait. You've seen his ass; he wants you to strip. Should I leave you two alone now?
Jake: No, no, this is not what you think. At least, as far as I know it isn't. Axle. Why do you want me to strip.
Axle: I want you to strip and sit over there. [Points to the couch]
Jake: Oh! Why didn't you say so! [Grins] Of course I'll strip if it's in the name of Art. [Grin grows broader as he moves towards Rachel. End scene]
[Scene: Sometime later. There is an impressive surrealist painting. The walls are melting and Jake and Rachel's feet are also melting and their pools seem to be melding together. They are sitting very far apart and Jake has horns, whlie Rachel looks like she belongs in the 'Birth of Venus' painting. There is a tiny Maria-angel hanging over them. Maria enters and walks past where the couch is, completely oblivious to the naked bodies. There is an over the shoulder shot of Rachel and Jake. Axle is completely nude, except for a french artist beret, or appears to be, although the easel and a large cloth sack filled with paintbrushes and other artistic tools, block most of his body, at least down to his knees]
Maria: Hey Jake, hey Rachel. Axle where do you- [She pauses and looks around] Rachel. Jake. Where are your clothes? [Turns back to Axle and realizes he has no clothes on either] Axle. Where are your clothes.
Axle: Well you see it's like this. I was doing a surrealistic painting of the two them nude when I began to feel really uncomfortable, being the only one clothed. And now you're the only one clothed. Are you feeling uncomfortable?
Maria: Yes, but not because I have clothes on. More along the lines because the rest of you don't.
Rachel: But Maria, you must learn to be one with your natural state. [Maria edges closer to Axle]
Maria: Get away from me. [She realizes where she's going] You too. [Kimberly enters]
Kimberly: Hey guys. Ooh is it a bachaor party? So Axle, who's the lucky fellow? And can I have Rachel?
Rachel: No, and no.
Kimberly: Oh, so this is just....recreational. That's cool. Anyway, Chris called, and I'm leaving because we're going to go practice our own Great Rite, so I came to say goodbye, and cool party. [Rachel snickers. No one else gets it. Kimberly leaves]
Axle: What's a Great Rite? And can I paint it?
Rachel: It's celebrating the union of the Goddesses and the God, and not unless you find get rid of Maria. 'Cause that's just kinky.
Maria: And an orgy isn't?
Rachel: Well, not unless someone's painting it.
Axle: So, wait what form of Union is going the God and the Goddess. I mean, is he...you know, are is he like, signing contracts and stuff, and holding up signs and coming up with really funky combinations of letters and numbers?
Maria: It means the God's getting some.
Axle: Ooohhh. [He looks at the couch and grins. To Jake] You sly dog, you.
Rachel (testily): You know I really don't appreciate you using such crude terms when you refer to my sacred religion.
Axle: I wanna be a wic- wic- wic- what you are! You know, a Wicked!
Rachel: I'm a Wiccan, not a Wicked!
Jake: I beg to differ.
Rachel: Just remember Jakey-boy, I have unrestrained access to restricted areas.
Jake: Never mind. I rescind the comment.
Axle: I want to paint a Great Rite. Maria, strip. I need a fawning Wicked priestess. See you and I can be invoking the energy, and they can be the God and Goddesses. Now I'm sure I had some horns around here someplace.....
Rachel: We don't fawn! And we're not Wickeds! Well maybe Maria is, but she's not Wiccan so she doesn't count! And I will not have you make a mockery of my religion! Besides, the participants are the Goddesses and God, there wouldn't have to be a separate symbol for them.
Axle: Fine. Then you can perform the rite and I'll just paint it. Maria can be the witness or something. Do they ever have threesomes?
Rachel: No! What the hell is wrong with you?
Axle: Oh what's the fun in that. I thought your religion was more open.
Rachel: It is! But I don't want to do it with Maria! No offense. But you know. You're evil. I can't do it with evil.
Maria: So how do you explain Matt?
Rachel: That was a horrible, horrible mistake that will never be mentioned again.
Axle: Fine. Maria can be the Goddesses blessing the rite, or something. Just get naked, Maria.
Rachel: You can't have the Goddesses blessing herself!
Axle: Who said you were the Goddesses?
Rachel: If I'm performing the rite, then I'm the Goddesses. Besides, we've already established that I'm the Goddesses.
Axle: We have?
Rachel: Fine then. Why don't you just have Jake and Maria perform the rite.
Axle: Jake and Maria? That- that- that's a horrible thought! That's like against the laws of nature, or something!
Maria: I second that! It'd be like incest.
Jake: Wait, does this mean I get both of them.
Maria: Only if you're talking about Axle and Rachel.
Jake and Rachel: Ahh that's horrible! I think I'm going to be sick!
Axle: Then you won't mind if it's with Maria, now will you.
Maria: I'm participating in this. It's against my relgion.
Rachel: Oh come on. You can be Eve, I can be Lillith and he can be Adam. And Axle's- Axle's- Axle's-
Maria: A gay Angel.
Rachel: I was going for serpant, but your word works.
Axle: I'm not Gay! [He fumes for a couple of seconds] So, you'll do it?
Rachel: Let me check the rules. 'An it harm none, do what thou wilt'. Okay, I think we are go.
Maria: Uh no. It harms me.
Jake: Damn it!
Axle: Okay, I have a better idea. How about if Maria and Rachel have their own Great Rite? [He looks her over carefully] God I wish you were more rubenesque.
Axle: You know, curved.
Rachel: Axle, are you blind? Those are definitely curves.
Jake: Are you sure you're not gay? Because, damn man. She's got some pretty impressive tracts of land.
Maria: I am not a piece of property to be looked at! And what the hell is rubenesque?
Rachel: You see dear, Ruben painted fat women. They looked like peeled potatos. Real lumpy and white. This was his idea of beatuy. In order to be rubenesque, one must eat potato chips, and live in a cave. Which I suppose means you are rubenesque, it just didn't show up in your body type. But you got to admit, you've got some really nice knockers!
Maria: You want me to be fat? Ahh! I'm going to kill you!
Axle: No! Don't hurt me! [He cringes]
Maria: No. You what? I'm going to go upstairs and eat ice cream until I puke. And then I'm going to eat some more! Just to show you! [She storms out]
Axle: How exactly is this punishment?
Rachel: Axle, obviously you don't get women. This is your cue to shower her with attention and appologies. And my fee for this service for giving you these valuable tips is you will now bring me a sundae.
Axle: Oh. Okay. Everything you need is in the fridge in here. Expcept for the ice-cream. E.T's watching that.
[He pull on a pair of boxers and pants and runs out the door. Rachel sighs and shake her head in disgust]
Axle (os): Wait! I'm sorry! Don't eat my swirled triple choclate fudge! I have more bad days than you do!
[There's an uncomfortable pause]
Jake: So, how're you doing.
Rachel: Good. [Another pause]
Jake: You know, lifetimes are a lot shorter now a days.
Rachel: I thought they were on the increase.
Jake: But didn't you say I wouldn't see you naked in this lifetime? [Rachel opens her mouth to respond but then pauses and has to think for a moment]
Rachel (confidently): I said you wouldn't see me undress.
Rachel: You know, it's a little cold in here.
Jake: Yeah, I could tell. [Rachel looks down]
Rachel: So can I.
Jake (after pause): You know, we could always generate our own heat.
Rachel (emotionless and british): We are not amused.
Jake: Oh. Vodka?
Rachel: Oh what the hell. I always wanted to know what you were like in the sack.
Jake: Wait right here, I get a sack!
Rachel: Jake, I only have sex with those who have more braincells than mayonnese.
Jake: I was just kidding! Calm down. I'm plenty smart! Want to see my college degree?
Rachel: Oh I can think of better things to do.
Jake: All right!
[Scene: Maria's apartment, the kitchen. Maria is sitting on the counter, next to an empty pint of Ben and Jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough, an empty party sized bag of potato chips, two empty bottles of fosters, and is working on a box of Dunken donuts. She has a manic gleam in her eyes. Axle enters]
Axle (hesitantly): Maria?
Maria: Go away Axle, unless you bear chocolate.
Axle: Actually I do. But I don't know if you'll eat it. Do you like Godiva? [Go-div-ia]
Axle: Right. Sorry.
Maria: And no. Unless you are have the nine pound Tolberone bar, or the twenty pound Ghiradelli bar, get lost.
Axle: Um, well, I still have those chocolate condoms I got from Jake last year. [Maria glares at him] Come on, Maria, I'm really sorry.
Maria: I don't care.
Axle: I didn't mean it?
Maria: What? [She throws the carton at him. Mutters] Gotta have something to do with missing an x-chromosome.
Axle: Um, I'll make it up to you. Do you want a hot fudge sundae? Or what if we just skip the sundae and go straight to sex?
Maria: There's ice cream left?
Axle: Yeah it's in my freezer. Behind the extra-terrestrial road kill. The rest of the stuff is downstairs.
[Cut to hallway, Maria and Axle have the ice cream]
Maria: You know I sneaky suspicion that that was just a raccoon.
Axle: But it was grey and had big glassy eyes. Besides, when are raccoons five feet tall, or have glowing fingers and say 'ouch' when you run over them?
Maria: Look, Axle, I'm the original believer. I mean how else do we explain you, other than an alien experiment gone horribly wrong. But even I am skeptical.
Axle: Fine. Don't believe me. But when they come for me, I'm telling them you ran it over. [Pause] You know what? [They walk down the hallway, camera following]
Maria: What. And if you say 'chicken-butt' I'm going to hurt you.
Axle: I wasn't before, but now I am. Chicken-butt! [He falls over laughing. Maria kicks him in the ribs] Ow.
Maria: I told you I'd hurt you. [She takes out her pocket planner] And another mark for Tuesday. That's five stupid things you've done today.
Axle: Make the pain stop.
Maria: Oh shut up. I wasn't even wearing my knee-cracker boots.
Axle: For which I am very grateful. [He stands up] But I've been thinking-
Maria: Ooh, that's a first.
Axle: I'd hit you, but if it weren't for gravity, I wouldn't even hit the ground so I'm going to ignore that. Anyway, I've decided that Space Ghost is the coolest Superhero. You can take your Superman and your Green Lantern and your Batman and you can shove them.
Maria: Hey, don't you be dissing Batman.
Axle: What? He doesn't even really count as a Superhero.
Maria: Oh come on, Batman is way cooler than some stupid Space Ghost.
Axle: Is not! Batman doesn't even have any super powers! Space Ghost is much better.
Maria: Yeah, sure, a dork in tights with bracelets. How is that cool? You can see that walking down the street in San Francisco.
Axle: Batman wears tights too.
Maria: So? They're cooler. Besides, he doesn't wear them all the time, unlike Space Ghost, and Batman has a rich alter-ego. Space Ghost doesn't even have an alter-ego.
Axle: Sure he does. It's just a mystery.
Maria: Anyway, Batman has much cooler catch phrases, like 'Holy rusted metal Batman' or 'Quick, to the Batcave!'. I ask you, who would say 'Quick, to the Space Ghost cave'?
Axle: They wouldn't. They'd say 'Quick, to the Space Ghost planet'. [He sticks his tongue out at Maria]
Maria: Joy, a giant asteroid. Probably doesn't even have any exploitable natural resources. Hell, I doubt it even has an atmosphere!
Axle: It's a planet! Of course it has an atmosphere. Besides, Space Ghosts has three [holds up fingers] count them, three, side kicks. One of them's even a monkey!
Maria: He does? But he was never played by Val Kilmer. I mean, even I was awe struck at the sight of Val Kilmer it tights, and I have no hormones. Imagine how a normal person would feel. Anyway, Batman had a dog at one point. Besides, he always had a side kick. Even if it was only Alfred. Nobody appreciates the butler.
Axle: But Space Ghost's side kicks were always young! He even has his enemies as side kicks now! Batman doesn't.
Maria: That's cause Batman's enemies have some self-respect. I mean you don't see Mr. Freeze or the Riddler saying 'Oh, I want to be best friends with Batman, and go on picnics and ride the ferris wheel and play the synthesizer badly'. They just do this so they can get closer and kill him! What does Space Ghost have? A giant praying mantis who plays the synthesizer, an annoying moron who can't sing, and another moron who's stuck in a cave! Besides, Space Ghost had to have Carrot Top on his show!
Maria: Besides, Batman's sidekicks were cuter. Well expect for Alfred, but that's because he was old, and Batgirl because I'm not on that team.
Axle: Batgirl. Catwoman form the fifties. I love spandex. [Drools slightly]
Maria: I bet you Space Ghost is gay.
Axle (shaken out of trance): No! Batman's the one with the underlying homo-erotic themes!
[They enter the studio. We have an over the couch shot where we can see Jake wearing Axle's artist beret, and a pair of glow-in-the-dark 'trucker babe' silhouette boxers. He has his thumb in the typical artist measuring proportions pose. Axle and Maria ignore him and continue with their conversation. Jake ignores them and keeps doing what he was doing before]
Maria: What was this?
Axle: Oh yeah it's like common knowledge.
Maria: No way. Sapce Ghost is the gay one. I mean, come on, think about. Space Ghost doesn't have a girlfriend. Batman at least attempts to date.
Axle: Well there is that one girl.
Maria: Yeah, like being a pedophile is any better.
Axle: I don't know, I always thought she was sort of cute. Anyway, you don't know that she's not eighteen.
Maria: Spandex doesn't exactly leave much to the imagination. Besides, she's a cartoon! She's not even Anime! She's a cheap seventies American attempt at animation!
Axle: Anime. Haaaa. Sailor Mars. Hoooo.
Maria: Eww. Anyway, Batman has a cooler vehicle.
Axle: Space Ghost's car can fly. Batman just has a souped up Corvette.
Maria: So, it's cool. And to quote from "Batman and Robin", "Chicks dig the car".
Axle: So do you like the car? Should I consider getting a batmobile?
Maria: Yes, and it'll take more than that for me to go out with you.
Axle: Damn it.
Maria: Anyway, Batman- What the hell? Axle, is this a common use for your couch?
Axle: Unfortunately no. Hey! My boxers!
Maria: My whipped cream! [Camera swings around. Rachel comes into view, lying on the couch, with a whipped cream and marchino cherries string bikini, and drizzled with chocolate sauce]
Rachel: Jakey-poo? I'm kinda uncomfortable.
Maria: What the hell?
Jake (to Axle): Hah, you see! You're not the only with talent around here!
Maria: Well considering that Axle never had talent in the first place, I highly doubt that this qualifies under the category of, well, whatever no-talent is!
Jake: But it's living art!
Maria: No, that's exhibtionisim.
Jake: But she looks good enough to eat. [Grins] Cool, I always wanted to say that.
Maria: You are one sick puppy.
Jake: Ooh, are we having fantasies Maria?
Axle: Quick Rachel, can I borrow you're riding crop.
Jake and Maria: You have a riding crop?
Rachel: Yeah, it's in my closet next to the, um- never mind. Come on get the whipped cream off me, damn it! I'm getting really uncomfortable!
Axle: I'll lick you clean.
Rachel: Try it and you'll loose a testicle.
Axle: Never mind. [Pause] Oh my God! There's whipped cream all over my leather couch!
Maria: So that's why I got those calls from that sofa place.
Axle: Hey, I paid for it!
Maria: Yeah, with Jake's credit card!
Jake: I have a credit card?
Rachel: As amusing as this may be, one of us has whipped cream all over her. And it's starting to melt.
Maria: I'm leaving. [She turns to leave]
Axle: Wait! Wait! Come back! I need protection!
Maria: Don't even think about it.
Axle: Oooohhh. I don't get it.
Rachel: Maria! I have some standards! They're few and far between, but they're still there!
Axle: Oooh! I get it now. [He grins at Maria] You sly dog you. I didn't even know you were on that team.
Maria: I feel used. I need a shower. [She leaves]
Axle: I'll wash your back! [Rushes out after her]
Rachel: Jake, you really have to get this off of me. Now there's the practical way, and the enjoyable way. [Jake raises an eyebrow intrigued]
Jake: All right! [Jake walks toward the couch. Fade out]
[Scene: The studio, the next morning. Focus in on Jake and Rachel sleeping on the couch. Jake is lying partially over Rachel, and has a blanket draped over himself. Rachel has a sheet covering her body. She groans and wakes up, looking straight into Jake's face. She screams and pushes him off of the couch. He lands with a thud and looks around, confused. Rachel wraps the sheet a little tighter about herself]
Jake (looking at Rachel, whispering): It wasn't a dream! Yes! It wasn't a dream!
Rachel: Goddess, that is definitely something I really don't want to wake up to.
Jake: Oww. Why'd you push me off.
Rachel: Involutary reaction. What happened? How did I end up on a couch [looks down and then back up at Jake] naked with you?
Jake: I remember something about whipped cream and marchino cherries. And drinking Axle's Rum after we ran out of Vodka.
Rachel: You mean it wasn't a dream! Oh my Goddess, why didn't we try this before. [Pounces on him] Let's skip breakfast.
Jake: But I'm hungry.
Rachel: You are so insensitive.
Jake: Well, it's either I eat now, or I eat you.
Rachel: Okay, breakfast it is. And then we'll deal with the, uh, unfinished business.
Jake (eyes cast upward): Thank you. I don't know what I did, but thank you. So, are we getting dressed or are you going to go up like that?
Rachel: You'd like that, wouldn't you.
Jake: Yes, but the likely hood of that happening is probably nil, isn't it.
Rachel: Well, I kind of like not having neighbors complain, so no. [She looks around for a moment] Jake? Where are my pants?
[Scene: The hallway between apartments. Jake and Rachel climb up the stairs and approach the girl's apartment. She has on a pair of boxers and a t-shirt, while Jake has on a pair of pants and the artist's beret]
Rachel: Gee, people in this apartment building sure stare a lot.
Jake: Well, it is sort of understandable. I mean, after all, you did come out of Axle's studio in boxers and a shirt.
Rachel: But I was with you. Or do you not sow your oats as wide anymore?
Rachel: Never mind. [She goes to open the door to the girls apartment, but pauses] You know what? I think we should finish our business in your apartment. Maria's probably going to try and conscript me into cleaning duty.
Jake: Excellent point. I'm with you.
[They enter the guy's apartment. Note that walls are decorated with stolen signs, including several from strip joints and a neon 'Home of the Whopper' above Jake's door]
Rachel: I love what you've done to the place.
Jake: Thank you. I stole all the sings myself.
[They enter further and we see that there is a rise where a picnic table, complete with little red checkered table cloth, holds a rather impressive computer set up. There is a large sign that says 'home of the whopper' above Jake's door. They pause in front of Axle's room, and Rachel does a double take. Axle's door is basically a burnt out shell with a blanket hung up behind it]
Rachel: I didn't that was possible outside of cartoons.
Jake: Oh anything is possible with Axle.
Rachel: Oh really. And you know this how?
Jake: He's been my room mate for four years. You do the math.
Rachel: Well I would but you did it already.
[Axle pokes his head though the curtin and peers at them with blurry eyes and tousled hair]
Axle: Would you shut up? Maria's trying to sleep.
Jake: What's Maria doing in your room.
Axle: Well, she refused to sleep in a room that had a stolen 'Home of Whopper' sign [Rachel begins to giggle hysterically] above it. Something about 'bad memories' or something. Care to explain?
Jake: No comment.
Axle: So, did you guys clean up my couch. [Rachel explodes into laughter] What's wrong with her.
Jake: She's just had some Jake-loving. [Grins cheekily]
Axle: That explains a lot.
Jake: Hey! Well, anyway it appears I wasn't the only who got lucky last night.
Rachel: If that was lucky......
Jake: Shut up. Or I'll throw you to a cranky Maria. [Rachel stops laughing]
Rachel: You wouldn't.
Axle: Could you guys just go away? [He makes shooing motions with his hands]
Rachel: Why are we disturbing something.
Axle: No. I just want sleep. She kept me up all night. [Jake begins to laugh hysterically] What is it with you two? You'd think you just had sex or something. [Rachel begins to laugh even more] God you two are way too hyper for this early in the morning. Go do something useful. Go clean something. Like my studio.
Jake: God, that sounds like something Maria would say. Except she'd say 'clean my apartment'.
Rachel (grabs heart in mock-shock): Oh good lady! Could it be that [She gasps] Axle has become [pause as she forces the word out] responsible? [Falls down]
Axle: Well, that was over done.
Rachel (still on ground): But was it funny?
Axle (simultaneously): No.
Maria (dubbed over demons voice from within): Whoso dares distrub my slumber?
Rachel: Sorry Satan.
Maria (normal): Hah, hah.
Rachel: Maria? Is that you? I could have sworn it was somebody else.
Maria: Oh shut up. Go clean my apartment.
Rachel: Yes master. And I shall bring you a jar of Nutella and a tube chocolate-chip cookie dough as well. [Aside to Jake] If we leave now, she won't suspect a thing for the next twenty minutes.
Jake: All right.
Rachel: If you're thinking what I think you're thinking then I'm thinking you're dead. [Long pause as he figures out what she just said]
Rachel: Good. [They begin to sneak out of the apartment. Axle rolls his eyes and pulls his head back into his room]
Axle: Now that you're awake..... [Rachel pauses and looks at Jake]
Rachel: Jake, crouch down.
Jake: Huh? [Thought VO] Ooh, her crotch will be near my head. Wait, that didn't sound right even my own head. Damn it, even in my head, things don't come out right!
Rachel: Crouch down. I need to get on you're shoulders.
Rachel: The rescue attempt will be much cooler.
Jake: Rescue attempt?
Rachel: Uh hello? We're leaving Maria alone with Axle. Does that image disturb you as much as it does me? [Jake immediately crouches down and Rachel gets on his shoulders. He grunts and stands up]
Jake: Man, what'd you eat, bricks? [Rachel smacks him]
Rachel: Now, to the rescue!
[She sounds the charge and they rush into Axle's room. Note that his bed is a pile of cushions with a neon sign flashing 'Love Nest' above it]
Rachel: I'll save you, Maria! [She looks around] Well, I would if I knew where you were.
Maria (squeaks): Help me! [Rachel turns to the squirming lump of cloth]
Rachel: Maria? Why have you become a lump of cloth?
Maria: Get it off!
Rachel: Get what off?
Rachel: No! I told you, I have standards, and he doesn't meet them.
Maria: I meant, get him off of me!
Rachel: Oh. [She pushes Axle out of the nest, and he stands. Maria's head appears]
Maria: Thank you. [She throws the blanket off of her and we see that she is wearing only a large shirt of Axle's and the pair of Jake's boxers that Axle put on. The boxers have pictures of Leia in the slave's costume on them]
Rachel (jokingly): Do I get a kiss?
Maria: Um, no.
Axle: Can I get a kiss?
Maria: No chance in hell.
Axle: But we're not in hell!
Maria: Depends on you're view point. [Axle, who is standing above Maria, grins]
Axle: I happen to like my view point.
Maria: I feel violated.
Axle: But I didn't do anything!
Maria: Never mind. I'm going back to my apartment. [Turns to Rachel and Jake] If you two have any...... unfinished business, do it here. [She exits]
Axle: I smell voyeurism!
Jake: All right!
Rachel: You two have fun! I'm going to take a shower.
Jake: I'll join you!
Rachel: Uh, no. You've already licked me cleaen once today. [She exits]
Axle: Damn it, the cameras must have broken again.
Axle: Um. Nothing? [Laughs nervously] I'll leave now. [He exits. Jake lies down on the love nest and goes to sleep]
[Scene: The girls apartment. Rachel and Maria are in normal clothes, eating breakfast and obviously have come from a shower]
Rachel: So, what exactly happened last night.
Maria: Well I know what happened between you to. Well, not precisely, but I do know that it was interesting enough to keep Axle engaged for three hours.
Rachel: So you spent the night with Axle. Hmm, interesting. So if you were stuck on a desert island with Axle, what would happen?
Maria: I dunno. Nothing really interesting I'm sure.
Rachel: You mean you wouldn't make love like crazed weasels every time he could get it up?
Rachel: Even if you could control everything?
Maria: Well if I could control everything, I'd turn Axle into a cow and have an alternate food source.
Rachel (sighs): You're pathetic.
Maria: And proud of it. Why? Are you saying that if you got stuck on a desert island you'd do it with Axle?
Rachel: Well, yeah, if he was the only guy around.
Maria: But, it's Axle.
Rachel: So? He's sorta cute. In an Austin Powers-ish manner. [Maria gives her a look. Rachel sighs] God, you really don't have any hormones, do you.
Maria: Not that I know of.
Rachel: So that means you probably didn't have sex either.
Maria: You know, I don't really know. I mean after Axle finally got bored, and you have no idea how long that took, we went back to my place and got most of the stragglers out, well except for Richard and Julie who were drunk and having sex on the living room floor. We decided that it wasn't prudent to....interupt them. We just tried to work around them. Then we went over to his place because even Axle was slightly disturbed by that -something about them being older and related to people, and how voyeurism isn't as much fun when nobody cares-
Rachel (muttering): He is so dead. I swear, I will kill him. I will hunt him down and kill him like the dog that he is.
Maria: That's......great. Moving right along, we went back his place, played tic-tac-toe on the ceiling of his apartment studio for awhile- I won, of course.
Rachel: How do you win at tic-tac-toe? Oh never mind. It's Axle.
Maria: Exactly. We watched a movie, I think. Then I had some wine and he fixed Margarita's and after that I just remember waking up.
Rachel (outraged): What? That's illegal!
Maria: No it wasn't. We were both of legal drinking age.
Rachel: Not that! Look we need to get you to a women's clinic, STAT. You need tests and counseling, and the morning after-pill.
Maria: Huh? Why would I need the morning after pill?
Rachel: Well, unless you'd rather carry Axle's love-child-
Maria (shocked): What? Why I have Axle's love child?
Rachel: He slipped you roofies! Or the equivalent there of.
Rachel: Hello? He's only the horniest guy we know.
Maria: That title actually goes to Jake.
Rachel: Uh, no. 'Horny' and 'good in bed' are entirely different. But Axle gets turned on by Butterscotch pudding, among other things.
Maria: But it's Axle. I mean, I've known him from Junior High.
Rachel: And that's when guys start to get horny. You see he subconsciously equates you with the time in his life when he gets horny.
Maria: But he knows I'll beat the living crap out of him if he tries anything.
Rachel: Which is why he drugged you.
Maria: And he thinks I won't get suspicious if I turn up pregnant?
Rachel: Maybe he's assuming you're on the pill. But then again, this is Axle we're talking about. He probably didn't think that far ahead.
Maria: I hope he was thinking enough to use a condom.
Rachel: It's good to keep on dreaming in times like these. [Pats Maria on the shoulder]
Maria: Are you patronizing me?
Rachel: Of course not.
Maria: Axle wouldn't do something like this. While I was awake, maybe, but not while I was asleep. He isn't into necrophilia.
Rachel: How would you know?
Maria: I shared an apartment with him in college. He kept forgetting to put away his bucket-o'-porn, and the med-students never complained about cadavers turning up missing. Or find Axle in a locker freezer.
Rachel: You're still coming with me to the women's clinic.
Maria: Why, do you need to go.
Rachel: Of course not. Axle had plenty of condoms in his studio. Most of them were in a scuplture, but some were still usable. Although I'm sure about the expiration date.
Maria: You're not going to drop this, are you.
Rachel: I'm deeply concerned about you. Of course not.
Maria: And if I argue, this is just going to get more and more painful.
Maria: Fine. But if you're just being paranoid-
Rachel: You'll be glad I did this for you.
Maria: But Axle wouldn't do this! [Rachel hugs her]
Rachel: You're so strong, I admire you. Even in these tough times you manage to keep faith.
[Scene: Guy's apartment. Axle is in the hot tub with his head on the floor and a towel over his eyes and his boxers outside the tub. Jake who is in only his boxers is at the bar fixing a hangover remedy. He is using the blender to fix something, but we can't see what it is]
Axle: I never should have agreed to do body shots.
Jake (over blender): What exactly did you two do?
Axle: Think of what you did.
Jake: You did that?
Axle: No actually, I watched it. But I was wondering, how exactly did you do that one thing without falling over. Man, I didn't even know the human body could twist that way. And were'd you get the Viagra from?
Jake: For the tenth time, I'm not taking Viagra.
Axle: Damn. But how'd you manage to get your leg over-
Jake: You've never read the Kama Sutra, have you.
Axle: No. Should I?
Jake: It could help. Chicks dig this spiritual sounding stuff. But getting back to you and Maria, what exactly happened.
Axle: Well, we say Dick and Julie getting it on.
Jake: Um, that's a little bit too much information. I'm going to need the hangover remedy soon. [He walks toward Axle with a chocolate milk shake and sits at the edge of the hot tub]
Axle: Uh, after that, she whipped my ass at tic-tac-toe.
Jake: How do you lose at tic-tac-toe? Oh never mind, it's Maria.
Axle: Then we popped 'Mixed Nuts' in-
Jake: That sounds wrong.
Axle: Don't worry, it wasn't the one that came with a brown paper cover.
Jake: You know, that really sounds like a Gay porn title.
Axle (defense): It's hermaphroditic porn.
Jake (understanding): Ahh. Chicks with dicks. Always quality entertainment. [Pause] Axle, is there something you're not telling me?
Axle: Just drop it. Please?
Jake (joking): What my pants. [Pretends to slide down his boxers]
Axle: God no! Keep those things on! [Thoughtfully] Although, that would be a sure fire cure for a hangover.
Jake: Yeah, large objects flying toward your head have that affect.
Axle: .....Eww! Dude, I'm not on that team.
Jake: Dude, you're sick. Anyway, getting back to the original conversation, you put a movie on and....
Axle: Well, she had some wine, I made Margarita's and you know what, she takes the expression 'Zero tolerance' to the extreme. A glass of wine, two margarita's and she's down for the count. So I, being the gentleman and concerned friend that I am-
Jake (sneezing): Bull.
Axle (confused): God bless you. Anyway, I took to my room.
Jake: Can we be expecting a call from her lawyer's soon? These things are illegal, you know.
Axle (more confused): But I didn't do anything.
Jake: Sure you didn't.
Axle: What? What do you think I did?
Jake: Slipped her roofies and took advantage of her. Quick, we need to get you into the witness portection program before Rachel and Maria talk. 'Cause you know Rachel. She'll drag her down to the women's clinic and then you're doomed.
Axle: Is this women with a 'y'?
Jake: Do you even need to ask?
Axle: No. But seriously, I didn't give her roofies. [Jake pats him on the head]
Jake: Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Axle: But where would I get them on such short notice?
Jake: I don't know. I always just assumed that you kept a stash around her somplace.
Axle: I didn't do anything to her! Or with her, for that matter. I put her to bed, and then watched the rest of the movie, and spent most of the night on the couch. Up to point where she woke up, took a shower, put on some of my clothes to sleep in, and we did body shots for awhile. And then there was a pillow fight, which was really cool, 'cause when you're really drunk, anything's really cool, and we both fell asleep in the 'love nest' because she refused to sleep in a room with a sign that said 'home of the whopper' over the door-
Jake: Sure you did.
Axle: I have documented evidence! You know, the survalience system? Anyway I think one of your shoes was in the couch, so I didn't want to sleep on that, and I was exhausted by this point, anyway, so I fell asleep with her, and that was it.
Jake: Okay, the jig is up. You did a fairly good Axle impression up until this point, but who are you and where's the real Axle?
Axle: What? Can't I do something decent for once?
Jake: Um, no.
Axle: But it was Maria.
Jake: Exactly. You've been trying to get into her shorts for years.
Axle: I've also been trying to get into the shorts of most of the women in this city for years. Sometimes my hormones are in check. I mean, hell, I had Rachel naked in my studio and I didn't try to jump on her. The only people who got action last night were you and her.
Jake: According to her we didn't.
Axle: Then damn, what was I watching? Are we picking up the Canadian chanels again. Anyway, isn't it plausible that I could spend the night with Maria and not attempt to do anything?
[Jake laughs so hard that he falls into the hot tub, landing with his head in Axle's lap. Axle looks at him in surprise and then smiles in a joking manner]
Jake: Whoa damn! [He stops laughing]
Axle (joking): Jakey, I never you cared! [Jake immediately sits up] Anyway, Maria can beat me up. I mean don't you think she'd be a little suspicious if in a few months she turns up pregnant.
Jake: You never know. I mean, she is Maria. She might be able to convince her that it was immaculate conception.
Axle: Not even Maria's that oblivious.
Jake (in a lecturing tone): Well, if you two do ever get drunk, and end up shagging in the 'love nest', or anywhere else, for that matter, I hope that you use protection.
Axle: My head hurts too much for a lecture.
Jake: Oh yeah. Here's your hangover remedy. [Hands him the shake]
Axle (surprised): A chocolate shake? How does that help with a hangover?
Jake: Well, it doesn't help directly, but trust me. You'll appreciate it. Okay, now I need you to snort this. [Pulls a cutting board with a straw and a line of cayenne pepper on it toward Axle, who shrugs and accepts it, being in to much pain to care. Cut to hallway. Maria and Rachel are climbing up the stairs. Maria looks pissed]
Maria: That was really unpleasant. I told you nothing happened.
Rachel: Well someday, you'll thank me for being so paranoid.
Maria: My mom used to say that. I'm still waiting for that day. [Sound effect of Axle screaming in immense pain. Maria looks up, startled. She turns to Rachel] What'd you do to that poor boy?
Rachel: Nothing! I didn't have time! [They rush into the apartment. Axle is sitting there, holding his head in pain, with Jake smiling a bit evilly]
Maria: What the hell? I hear someone screaming, I come in and you're both in the hot tub, one of you doesn't have his pants, Rachel has just dragged me-[She turns around. Rachel is not there] Rachel? [She turns around again. Rachel is now in the hot tub, with a trail of clothes leading toward it] Correction, there are now three of in the hot tub and only one of you- [Sees the wet pair of boxers hanging on the side of the tub] Correction again. None of you are clothed. And Axle's snorting coccain! What is this? The George W. Bush frat party? [Jake and Rachel grin foolishly. Axle moans] Why does this- Ooh, a chocolate shake. [She moves over to the side of the hot tub, and reaches for the chocolate shake. Rachel winks at Jake and they pull her in]
Maria: What the-
Axle: I always wondered where the linoleum was so weird in this part of the kitchen. [Maria glares at them, then takes off her shoes and socks and puts them outside the hot tub. She grabs the chocolate milk shake and starts to drink it]
Jake (to Rachel): Hah! Now I've seen you undress! What do you have to say to that? [Rachel fumbles for an answer, then glares at Jake]
Rachel: Fine! I lied!
Jake: Now I'm happy.
[Scene: Ten minutes later. Everybody is still in the hot tub, and they are all asleep. There is no longer a chocolate milk shake. Richard and Julie walk in. They look at the group in the hot tub and Julie turns to Richard]
Julie: See, I told you that they had ulterior motives for living together.
Richard: Fine. [Pulls out his wallet and hands her a twenty]