All's Quiet On the Lunatic Fringe

Episode 103: Jail Bait

Created by Emma Berman

Written by Emma Berman and Laurel Black



[Scene: Guy's apartment. JAKE is watching the 'X-Show']

Announcer: And now the clips for 'the best bang since the Big One'-[News bulletin noises come on] We interupt this program for a special news bulettin.

JAKE: Noooooo!!!!!

Announcer: We have just recieved word that the famed terrorist known only as 'Spider' has been spotted in the city. We supsect that she is currently living under the alias of 'RACHEL Harzen', artist. We warn all males that she has recieved her nickname because of her likness to the Balck Widow spider. If you have had sexual intercourse with this woman, be warned that you will probably die within a week of the deed.

[JAKE begins to count on his fingers and starts to begin to freak out]

JAKE: I'm going to die! I only have one day left to live! I need to get laid!

Announcer: Any informaiton leading her arrest and coviction will be met with a ten thousand dollar reward. [JAKE's head pops up as he hears this]

JAKE: Ten thousand dollars? Whoohoo! [Heads to the phone] I'm rich!



Opening song and Credits



[Scene: Interior guys apartment. JAKE hangs up the phone and begins to dance around like an idiot]

JAKE: I'm going to be rich! I'm going to be rich! I'm going to-[Pauses] Oh Crud! I'm going to die! But I'm going to die rich! But I'm going to die! I need to get laid. [Enter AXLE]

AXLE: Wait, that's my line!

JAKE: You slept with RACHEL too? Noooo! Who am I going to leave my 'Home of the Whopper' sign to now?

AXLE: Heather?

JAKE: Riiight.

AXLE: But why are you getting rid of it? Did you decide upgrade to dura-flame log? Or downsize to Whopper Jr?

JAKE: I'm going to die, man!

AXLE: Happens to the best of us, man. Happens to the best of us. The time will come when Mr. Happy will rise again.

JAKE: No, you don't understand! I'm really, actually, honest to God, going to die.

AXLE: Dude, you're too young to be going through a mid-life crisis.

JAKE: No, you don't understand! I slept with RACHEL-

AXLE: Oh, okay, I get it. Your life is complete.

JAKE: Nooo! I mean I slept with her, and now she's going to kill me!

AXLE: You got her pregnant? I'm ashamed! I though you knew better. Dude, check the expiration date next time.

JAKE: Oh my God! What if I did?! Oh well, at least a part of me will live on. [He exits sobbing]

AXLE: So wait, she is pregnant?



[Scene: A little while later. Girls apartment. Focus in on RACHEL, who is dressed in fencing gear with an actual sword, fencing against an unknow opponent. She lunges, then pulls back and takes off her mask]

RACHEL: A good match.

[Pan back to view of the nice expensive leather couch shreded to bits. Enter FBI and SWAT team, by breaking down the door. They draw their weapons]

RACHEL: No, you want AXLE Cobb. He's across the hall. [She points with the sword. Sound effects of twenty guns cocking]

FBI: Freeze! We have you surrounded! Drop the weapon! Hands on your head!

[RACHEL drops the sword and falls to the ground, quivering]

RACHEL: Don't kill me! Please? I have tequilla! And maybe fifty bucks on me. Oh wait, this isn't Mexico.

FBI 1: Reads Miranda rights. [He handcuffs her and he and another FBI agent haul her upright and drag her out of the apartment. Follow them out into hallway, RACHEL hiding her face. Enter MARIA, from the stairs. She takes in the proceedings with awe]

MARIA: Whoa. For once AXLE isn’t the cause of this. [Grabs one of the random rubber neckers lining the walls] What’s going on?

RRN: A terrorist’s been living here for two weeks!

MARIA: Heather? No wait, she’s been here almost a month. [Pause to think, then shakes her head] Nah, couldn’t be. [Reaches apartment and sighs at the kicked in door] Looks like AXLE’s been here today. [She enters apartment and gasps at the sight of the FBI searching the apartment. They look up at her and draw their guns] No, no, AXLE’s across the hall.

FBI: You’re under arrest for harboring a dangerous criminal.

MARIA: But Heather lives downsatirs.

FBI: Who? Is she one of Spider’s accomplices? [MARIA shudders]

MARIA: I don’t know anybody by that name.

FBI: Yeah, yeah, like I haven’t heard that one before. [Handcuffs her and begins to read her the Maranda rights. They lead MARIA away. She has a confused expresion on her face]

MARIA: This is a joke, isn’t it.

FBI: Nope, we at the FBI don’t believe in humor.

MARIA: However much he’s paying you, I’ll double it.

FBI: It’s a felony to bribe a Federal Agent.

MARIA: You mean you really are part of the FBI? Do you know Scully and Mulder?

FBI: No. They are fictional characters. [Aside, to partner] Line up a psych test for this one. Oh, and run a background check on those two she mentioned.

FBI Partner (into walkie talkie): We need a background check on two residents of this apartment compelx, AXLE and Heather, STAT.



[Scene: Guys’ apartment. JAKE is looking out the window. Over the shoulder shot of the streets which are lined with rubber neckers as well as t.v vans and reporters. JAKE takes a step back. Swing about to front view. He has a contemplative look on his face. He rushes into AXLE’s apartment studio. AXLE is busy making an underwear collage (throwing underwear at a canvas covered in glue). Also noticeable is a statue of a hand making the peace sign with a bullet hole in it, a condom scuplture, and a macaroni chandalier]

JAKE: AXLE, I need you to paint my chest. [He rips his shirt off]

AXLE: Whoa, hold on there Tiger. You want me to what?

JAKE: Paint my chest!

AXLE (pause): Why don’t women ever do this to me?

JAKE: I don’t want to know what you’re picturing. But you need to paint my chest right now!

AXLE: How ‘bout no.

JAKE: No, you don’t understand. I’m going to die and there are thousands of women who haven’t ever experienced a little JAKE-lovin’.

AXLE: So where does me painting your chest come in to all this?

JAKE: I need you to write my phone number on my chest.

AXLE: Dude, I’ve tried that, it doesn’t work.

JAKE: But I’m hot. Besides, there’s video cameras out there. Professional ones, I mean.

AXLE: Oh, I get it. Then you’ll stand out there and everyone can see you on the news.

JAKE: Exactly.

AXLE: Hold still. This is tricky.

JAKE: This is sticky? That sounds wrong.

AXLE: Never mind. So, what color do you want? Personally, I think hot pink would go with your coloring quite nicely.

JAKE: Just black will be fine.

AXLE: You’re no fun.

JAKE: Hurry up! I’m going to die! I haven’t got that much time left!

AXLE: You and your mid-life crisisesesesesss.

JAKE: It’s crises.

AXLE: Look, just hold still so I can paint on you. [Puts his paint brush in black paint and proceeds to paint JAKE’s chest]

JAKE: Ahh! Cold!

AXLE: Yeah, paint’s like that.

JAKE (looking down at his chest): Okay, this is weird. I can’t see it, but I can feel it.

AXLE: Apparently you go through this same sensation when someone drips hot wax on your chest.

JAKE (pause): But that’s hot. And painful.

AXLE: Damn it, I’m the blond. I’m supposed to be having more fun!

JAKE: That only works with women. [Pause] AXLE, is there something you’re not telling me?

AXLE: For the umptibillionth time, I’m. Not. Gay!

[He glares at JAKE and continues painting. Pull back to see what’s written on JAKE’s chest. Below the phone number is: Half price for guys. JAKE moves over to a mirror and looks at himself]

JAKE (outraged): Take that off! [AXLE pulls off his shirt] Not that, idiot! The writting!

AXLE: But this way you’ll get more!

JAKE: But it’ll be from guys!

AXLE (joking): Do you want me to help you get started?

JAKE: Eww! I may be desperate, but I’m not that desperate!

AXLE: I was kidding! You know, funny? Hah, hah? The thing you don’t do enough? Never mind. [Pause] There’s a slight problem, though. It’s going to hurt to take off. It’s really too bad you don’t wax your chest like me.

JAKE: Why do you wax your chest?

AXLE: It’s a long story. Basically it sums up to: never downplay the pain of waxing when speaking with a woman. Especially with one who owns your soul.

JAKE: Ahh. So, what do I have to do?

AXLE: Well, you have options. Irritant paint thinner, or we peel it off.

JAKE: How irritant is the paint thinner?

AXLE: Well, it burns like hell, but it doesn’t remove the hair. This means that message won’t be permanent.

JAKE (macho): I can handle the paint thinner.

AXLE: Okay, it’s your skin. And your pain. [Pulls out an industrial strength can of paint thinner] Hold your breath. [JAKE shrugs and takes a big gulp of air. AXLE applies paint thinner. Cut to outside shot]

JAKE (high pitched): Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!



[Birds fly away. View shakes. Start echo sequence. Pull back to shot of city, then of the state, etc until space is reached. View of a UFO. Pull back until the ‘I Believe’ poster comes into view, with ‘Don’t’ penciled in. Pull back further until Seattle FBI headquarters comes into view. Enter RACHEL, surrounded by SWAT team members and heavily armed Feds. They approach the SAC]

FBI: We have apprehended the terrorist, sir.

SAC: Good. Book her.

[FBI moves over to a desk with RACHEL and begins to work on paperwork. RACHEL looks massively pissed. Enter MARIA]

FBI with MARIA: Here’s another one for you to book.

Police Sargent (PS): Name?

MARIA: MARIA Anne Faulkner

PS: Age?

MARIA: A lady never reveals her age.

PS: You’re not a lady, you’re a suspected a felon. Age?

MARIA (meek): Twenty-four.

PS: Have you ever gone by any aliases?

MARIA: Define alias.

PS: Any name you have assumed to hide your identity.

MARIA: Then no.

PS: Previous criminal record?

MARIA: (meek) Yes.

PS: Go ahead.

MARIA: Twelve counts of arson... thirty-eight unpaid speeding tickets dating from before I was born which I have yet to erase from my record... three counts of breaking and entering, but I’ll have you know it was only because my dormmate locked me out.... prank calls, but I didn’t do it [PS rolls his eyes] destruction of property because of that time I thought AXLE’s artwork was just a stain on the rug... disturbing the peace, but that was not my fault... attempted homicide....a library book that's over due by two hundred and fifty years....I was supposedly a spy in the Cold War, although I don't think I was alive back then......and, I guess that’s it.

PS: Right. Okay, just step over there for fingerprinting. [FBI dude leads MARIA away for further processing]

RACHEL (sudden, angry): I am not wearing that! [Swing camera until focus is on her once more. She is standing glaring at the orange jumpsuit that has been issued to her] It's a crime against humanity! Besides, it clashes horribly with my coloring! And these shoes! How can I be tall in shoes that have no heels!

PM: Listen, Black Widow-

RACHEL (angry): The alias is SPIDER!

MARIA (os): Spider? Where? Ahh! Kill it! Kill it!

PM (os): Somebody get her off the light!

[Swing camera around to view of MARIA clutching desperately to a lighting fixture. It is creaking ominously. It falls off the ceiling. The surrounding policemen converge on her]

PM: Somebody find out how she did that, even if it means strip searching her.

MARIA: Mommy?